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"Fine," I groan again, quickly cancelling the car on my phone. "Come on, we have to leave right now then."
I bag up Robin’s hoodie. My heart and mind feel heavy as I take the bag with me.
She takes my hand and holds it firmly, not letting go even a little bit. We take the elevator downstairs, and I nod at the receptionist. Hodge will take care of everything here, and Dove has everything she needs to find Willa. This is my goodbye to the world. And it might be for ever.
I swallow thickly as we walk out of the hotel. I have to tug on Dove's arm to keep her walking. I shouldn't have agreed to let her come with me to the station. This is going to be hell.
She cries throughout the walk there. We talk. About the weather, about Sam. It's nice to revisit my memories of the old man, and Dove seems to be grateful for the opportunity to talk about her old friend.
Every once in a while she starts crying too hard to speak. I stop, knowing I shouldn't or I risk being late, and kiss her, and hold her. I whisper in her ear that it will be okay.
Finally, we arrive in front of the station. I check my watch, it's three minutes past.
"I'm late," I tell Dove softly.
"No," she shakes her head, shutting her eyes and biting her bottom lip. "Don't go in. Not yet. Please, stay with me."
"I can't." I kiss her nose. "Look at me, please."
She opens her eyes. Tears are already glistening on her lashes. They aren't black like I thought. Almost, but not quite there. They're a dark chocolate brown instead. Her natural color, probably – when she doesn't dye it jet black.
"I love you," I tell her.
"Don't." Her voice breaks and she holds in a sob.
"I do."
"No, Nox. Please, I..."
"Call me by my name, Dove."
"I can't," she whispers. "Please, I can't."
"Do it, I want to remember this moment." I hold her closer to me, leaning my forehead against hers. "You don't have to wait for me, Dove. I might not be out for a while."
"Stop," she whispers. "Red."
"No safe words," I remind her. "Not right now. I need you to listen. Find Willa. Help her. Promise?"
"Promise," she nods brokenly.
"And you'll take care of yourself for me."
"And I'll take care of myself for you," she repeats. I can tell she feels numb, lost, so I kiss her. Deep, unforgiving, reminding her of everything she can have with me. I'm not making her wait for me, and I don't think she should or will. But I'll carry this memory with me for a long fucking time. Until I see my little bird again.
"Miss me, little bird," I mutter in her ear, leaving the ghost of a kiss. "Miss me every day."
I pull myself away from her outstretched arms even though it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I walk away without turning back once. I can't risk seeing her, because hearing her sobs is destroying me enough. Keeping my head down, I enter the precinct and prepare myself for the hell I'm about to be thrust into.
***
In the end, I needn't have worried about showing up on time at all.
The chief of police, a Mr. Brentwood, leaves me waiting for hours.
It gives me enough time to utterly destroy myself, thinking of Dove. Is she still waiting on the other side of that door? Is she still hoping I'll come out? Every time, I nearly get up to my feet and walk outside so we can talk. But I'm worried that's the moment Brentwood will pick to call me into his office, so I stay put.
I keep thinking of our last few moments together. How Dove looked at me, how she begged me not to go. It's not like I wanted to leave. But I owe this to her, and to Robin. Sam would be proud of me, too.
I close my eyes, thinking about how much shit I've been through since I realized I only wanted Dove. My mind goes back to all those days in the hospital when I was in a coma. I have the nurses there to thank for getting me back on my feet, but the truth is, there's more to it than that. I felt Dove beside me, holding my hand, nursing me back to health. She helped, too. I survived because of her. Because we're meant to be together.
Unfortunately, I'm not even realizing how much worse Dove's absence is going to hurt weeks, months, years from now.
I remember Robin then. How he was quiet and calm and so very protective of Dove. He always offered a shoulder for her to cry on and expected nothing in return. He was there for Dove even when I couldn't be. He took care of her. He made sure she survived. And I took that away from them.
