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The paramedics rush out, but the moment they see Sam, they stop in their tracks. We all know it's over. There's nothing they can do to help him.
The truth of what's just happened is too heavy, and a sob rips from my lips as I watch them load up Sam's body onto a stretcher. A blonde woman gently closes his eyelids, which makes me irrationally angry. I want to scream at her, fucking attack her. I want to tell her he doesn't trust cars, they'll have to figure out a different way to get him to the hospital. But it doesn't matter. None of it does. Because Sam.... Sam's gone now. Forever.
One of the paramedics starts asking me questions but I don't even hear them. I hear Nox though, arguing with the guy and telling him to fuck off and leave me alone. The guy leaves with his hands raised in defeat. Nox insists we're going to the hospital with them.
I don't even remember the ride there. He takes me there on his bike and tells me to hold on tight, so I do, even though I just want to slip off the fucking bike and to my certain death on the road.
We wait in the hospital for what feels like hours. Nox offers me sandwiches, drinks, but I can't even reply. I just stare blankly ahead, just like Sam did when I found him.
Finally, Nox sits next to me. His reassuring palm comes to rest on my knee, but I don't feel its warmth. I don't know if I'll ever feel warm again.
Nox buries his face in his hands then. I mourn the loss of his palm on my knee, but I don't mention it. But when he stands up and screams, punching the wall, even I'm surprised.
He sits down next to me with his knuckles bleeding while two security guards rush toward us.
"Sir, you can't do that in here," one of them tells Nox, already reaching for his taser. "We're going to have to ask you to leave."
"I can't leave," Nox hisses. "I need to help my... my Dove."
"You just punched a wall," the other man says. "You're scaring people. You need to get out of here, now."
Nox nurses his twisted, bloodied fingers in his hand, standing up and getting up close to the guard. "I said I'm not fucking leaving."
The guy backs off. Nox's intimidating presence scares anyone who comes near us, and the guards reluctantly leave me alone with him.
"Why are you so angry?" I ask softly as he sits back down next to me.
"I..." He shakes his head. "I don't like seeing you upset."
There's more to it than that, and we both know it. But I'm tired. Bone tired. Too exhausted to demand more details. We sit there together, and I lean my head against his shoulder because I need some kind of comfort.
The doctor appears what feels like hours later. He's apologetic, kind, but his tone does nothing to help with the message he's come to deliver.
"There was nothing we could do," he says gently. "It must've happened right after he took that lethal dose of heroin. I'm sorry. Are you his next of kin? There's the matter of the bills..."
"I'll cover it," Nox cuts in, signing his name on a stack of papers the doctor hands him. "We'll call you with further arrangements for the..." He swallows thickly. "Funeral."
That word makes me feel sick. I curl up into a ball on one of the shitty plastic chairs. The doc prattles on about helplines and support they offer grieving family members. I just want him to shut up so I can close my eyes and sleep forever and a day.
"Come on, Dove. Please, come with me." I'm vaguely aware of Nox helping me stand up, but my legs won't hold me. I can't be here anymore. This can't be real. I didn't just lose him, the last bright light in my life. Sam isn't gone. He can't be. Without him, without Robin... what do I have left?
When he realizes I can't stand up, Nox simply raises me into his arms. I don't fight it. I just wrap my arms around his neck and allow him to carry me out of there. The cold, fresh air outside hits me hard, and I gasp for breaths that aren't coming, just like they'll never come again for Sam.
Nox sets me down on the seat of his bike, carefully putting the helmet on me.
He buckles the strap under my chin while my eyes stare emptily ahead. Nox doesn't speak, and I'm grateful he doesn't interrupt my mind that's already going a mile a minute. He simply tells me to hold on tight and drives me back home without saying another word.
He walks me up to the house, lingering on the welcome mat as I unlock the door and let myself in. I stand there with my hand on the doorknob, wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.
