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I know I shouldn't invite Nox in, but I don't want to be alone tonight. In fact, I don't want to be with anyone but him. So, I cock my head to the side, managing a weak, trembling smile, as I say, "Aren't you going to come in?"
He nods, accepting my invitation and walking into the room. He shuts the front door behind him.
"I'm going to take a shower," I mutter. "I'll see you later."
I almost wish he'd argue, but he doesn't. I walk to the bathroom feeling like a shell of myself. There's nothing left of Dove Canterbury but this shell I'm forced to live in. And yet it's more than Sam has right now.
Swallowing back a sob, I strip my clothes off in the bathroom. I set the temperature to scalding hot in the hope that it will warm my tired, exhausted body. As the hot water beats against my body though, I find no comfort in its warmth. I still feel numb. There's nothing anyone can do to make it better. But I can do something.
My eyes go to the razor in the shower I shave my legs with. It took me years to be able to have it in the open like that, and now I know why. It's dangerous, too easy. I could just take it apart and hurt myself, right here and right now. Nox would be none the wiser. Nobody would have to know.
With trembling fingers, I pick up the razor and take it apart. I take out the razorblade and leave the plastic. I feel sick as I touch the blade to my skin, not cutting, but just holding it there, reminding myself I'm the one who holds the power. I'm in pain, but that pain can go away, will go away when I cut into my skin and make it bleed. I can make it all go away. What Nox doesn't know won't hurt him.
I press the edge of the blade into my skin. It parts easily and the blissful pain takes over, so overwhelming I’m able to tune out the pain of losing Sam, of losing Robin. I cut deeper. The razor slides into my skin with such ease it's almost a relief. With a sigh, I watch the bloody drips swirling down the drain.
"What the fuck are you doing, Dove?"
I want to look at him, but I can't. I'm too tired. The razorblade slips from my fingers and the water beats down on my new cut, a new scar to remember Sam by. I forgot I'm naked. Nox will see me like this, vulnerable and exposed. None of it matters anymore, because the razor did its job. I don't feel the pain of the loss anymore. I focus on the physical pain, on the broken skin, the bleeding cut. And I tell myself it's all going to be okay, knowing full well I'm lying to myself.
But what else am I supposed to do?
Chapter 20
Nox
"Stop fidgeting." I grab her hand and inspect it up close. "Christ, Dove. Why did you do this? Where's your first-aid kit?"
She mumbles something in response as I sit her down on the stool and I realize she's retreated to a part of her that won't be able to give me the answers I need. I rifle through her cabinets until I find the kit. She doesn't even wince as I disinfect the cut. I apply some antiseptic cream and wrap it up, and the whole time, Dove just sits there, her eyes so far away.
Dove is still naked, but now's not the moment to admire her body. I ask her if she can walk and she doesn't respond. Finally, I gather her in my arms like I did at the hospital. I carry her upstairs and into her bedroom and she doesn't fight me. Putting her in her bed, I cover her with a blanket, unsure of what to do next. There's an armchair in the room where I could sleep, but when I move to walk away, her fingers tangle in my shirt and she pulls me back.
"Don't go, Nox."
Simple words, but so powerful. The fact she used my new name is enough to make my dick swell and my balls tighten. Oh how I want to fuck her right now. I climb on the bed next to her, fighting every instinct inside my body that's telling me to just do it. Take advantage, take what's mine, and pay no mind to whether she wants this or not. But I can't bring myself to do it. In Dove's weakest moment, my humanity has reared its ugly head. And I just can't hurt her more than she has already been hurt.
I lie down, my head on her pillow, and she cuddles me, lying practically on top of me, which is fucking torture for my already hard dick. But the moment I put my head down, the truth of what's happened hits me like a punch in the gut.
