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I pick out an all-black outfit from my closet and furrow my brows when I think of all the weird stuff that's been happening lately. The stolen handbag on my date with Raphael. The butt plug I found inside me. Is it possible that...
I shake my head to get the thought out. No, I can't get paranoid now. Of course Nox didn't have anything to do with it. How could he?
And yet the seed of doubt has been planted, and as I walk back to the living room where he's waiting for me, I can barely look him in the eyes.
Outside, he puts the helmet on my head again and we silently drive to the hospital. There, we receive a standard urn filled with Sam's ashes. I can't even bring myself to look at it, let alone hold it, but Nox handles everything for me. He tells me he found the perfect location to scatter my friend's ashes, and we get back on the bike. He holds the urn with one hand until we arrive and park on the street.
"You're going to be hot as fuck in those black clothes," he tells me. "It's going to be a warm way."
"Whatever," I mutter, dismissing his words, even though I'm already burning up. I'm wearing black leggings and an oversized black sweatshirt with a huge pair of black sunglasses to cover the scar. I thought if it got really warm, I could strip down to my sports bra, but now I'm mortified by the thought and being so exposed in front of Nox.
What happened in the kitchen last night can never happen again. I'm not risking letting this maniac back into my life. Not after everything he's done to me.
I quickly come to regret my all-black outfit decision as we begin our ascent. It only takes me twenty minutes to give up on the sweatshirt, and I reluctantly pull it over my head and tie it around my waist. Nox merely smirks at me, not commenting on my bra or my exposed skin, covered in scars. We keep walking in charged silence. But I appreciate the quiet this time. It gives me time to think about Sam. This hike is about him, after all.
My thoughts fill with every memory I have of the man who's made living in LA so much better. He made me less lonely. He made me feel like I belonged. He was my best friend, even though our connection was strange and unexpected. There are so many things I wish I'd gotten to say to him, but now it's too late.
I wipe a traitorous tear from my eyes and keep walking. Nox is carrying the urn, but once our hike is halfway done, I ask him to carry it the rest of the way.
It's heartbreaking. All that's left of his life is in a simple black object. Sam was larger than life and now he's been reduced to this.
I worry my bottom lip between my teeth and keep walking. We reach the top of the hill after an hour, and I'm exhausted and out of breath, but the view from here more than makes up for it. It's gorgeous up here. You can see the city in all its glory. And we're alone, just like I'd wanted.
"Think this place will do?" Nox asks me, and I nod. "Whenever you're ready."
I sit cross-legged on the dusty earth overlooking the side of the hill, and Nox joins me. "I'd like to say a few things first."
"Go ahead."
But now that it's come down to it, I have no idea what to say. How am I supposed to put a life as impactful as Sam's into just a few words? I can try, at least.
"Sam, you meant everything to me, even though I never learned your last name," I begin softly. "You were my best friend. My confidant. I trusted you and I believed in you. You motivated me to be a better person even when you believed you couldn't be that for me. And perhaps this is how our story ends. With me carrying on your legacy. With me telling your story."
Nox and I get up and he helps me open the urn. I don't dare look inside, I'm already too emotional. Together, we scatter Sam's ashes into the wind and watch them disperse above the city that he loved so much. The city that gave him life and killed him.
Nox comes to stand behind me, gently wrapping an arm around my waist. "He would be proud of you."
"How can you say that?" I mutter. "You never even knew him."
He doesn't answer. We stand there for a long time, until I finally come to peace with the idea that Sam is gone for good now. Finally, I sniffle and pull back, softly asking Nox if we can leave.
