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"Sorry," I say quickly, mostly to get rid of the thoughts invading my mind.
Raphael rewards me with a smile and we get back to our food. I'm feeling marginally better and he seems pleased by that, though I don't dare tell him it's because of Nox.
Strangely enough, Raphael hasn't asked me about him, despite their somewhat strange meeting. Perhaps he knows it's better not to ask.
After dinner, we leave the restaurant and decide to go for a walk on the beach again. Raphael's hand finds its way into mine. I carry my sandals in the other hand, the pleasantly cool sand slipping through my toes. The atmosphere is peaceful, the breeze gentle against my skin.
"Dove..."
I raise my eyes to Raphael's, swallowing thickly. I know what's coming and I'm scared.
"Will you ever let me kiss you again?"
I feel the lump in my throat growing bigger and bigger. What am I supposed to tell him? LIE! my subconscious screams at me. Lie to him!
And yet I can't. Somehow the words don't leave my lips and I merely stare at Raphael, hoping he understands.
"You don't want that?" he asks.
"I don't know," I whisper. "I want to want it."
He groans. His hands cup my face and I look down, unable to handle the weight of his gaze. But it doesn't stop him. Slowly, passionately, Raphael touches his lips to mine. The kiss is perfect – anything and everything a girl could dream of. He's a gentleman, so much different than Nox, so much less demanding, so much more giving. And yet I feel nothing.
"I'm sorry," I whisper against his lips as he pulls back.
He watches me closely. A tear slips down my cheek. I don't want to be weak in front of him. I don't want him to see how broken I really am, because a part of me still wants to impress him.
"Don't apologize," he mutters. "You never have to apologize to me, Dove."
I nod, even though his words don't strike home. I feel like I owe him for everything he's done for me. He's never implied it, and yet I can't help the feelings of not being good enough for anyone.
"But Dove, I have to ask," Raphael speaks up again. "Do you want me to wait for you? Because I will. I'll wait months, years. Because I already know you're the only one I want."
His words make my heart tighten in my chest, as if someone's squeezing it with an iron grip. What the fuck am I supposed to tell him?
"I don't know," I whisper brokenly. "I can't say. I can't ask you to do that."
"Just know I'm willing to wait as long as it takes." He smiles at me. He's so confident. Handsome. He could have any woman in the world. And he picked me. "You're worth it, Dove."
"Thank you," I manage.
"I know we've been hanging out a lot," Raphael goes on. "But how would you feel if we start dating? Absolutely no pressure, of course."
"I..."
"We don't have to do anything," he rushes to say. "I just figured it was the next step... We're already spending a lot of time together."
I shake my head. "I can't."
"You don't want to?"
"No," I cut him off sharply before he can continue, my eyes blazing with silent fire. "I can't."
Of course I want to. Deep down, I know it's the best choice for me. Raphael is safe. Nox isn't. And yet I can't force myself to accept his proposal. Not when there's a stalker out there that I feel so much more for. A stalker I never want to see again.
Not until he pays for his crimes.
"Okay," Raphael says. We don't speak of it again. We take a nice, long walk without saying much. The silence is pleasant, companionable – something you'd expect from a lifelong partner. Raphael is so many women's dream match. But he's not mine.
Once we reach the far end of the beach, he calls us an Uber. We sit close by, his hand softly touching mine, full of hopes and dreams and promises of a future I can never give him. And yet I'm the selfish bitch that won't let him go. I need Raphael. He's the only person that keeps me sane, the only one I have left after Sam, after my brother.
We pull up in front of my house first. Our eyes meet and he nods at me. "Go ahead."
I'm grateful he doesn't offer to walk me in, because I don't want to say no. I smile and kiss his cheek on an impulse, then get out of the car. I watch the Uber pull away and let myself in, my heart still pounding from the weight of my conversation with Raphael. My conscience is out for vengeance, reminding me how stupid I am. Obsessed with the man who hurt me instead of the one who would do anything for me. I deserve this. I deserve to be alone.
