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The worst part is, even though he was clear about wanting to end things with me, I still blame myself. Every day, I wonder what I could have done differently to keep him at my side. And every day, I come up empty. The bottom line is, he didn't want me next to him. He was infatuated by the idea of me, but when it came down to us being together, Raphael didn't want it, and I'll just have to get over that.
Eventually.
Not today.
Today, I'll let myself fantasize about a world where we're still together, and maybe that will make the day easier to get through.
A faint smile plays on my lips as I get into the elevator of our building. A neighbor sees me exit and throws me a nasty look. Since Scott has come to live with us, we haven't been exactly popular with the neighbors. But I can't exactly kick him out – I'm pretty sure he would refuse to leave. And Mercy would hate me. She's attached to the hip to the guy.
I'm grateful Theo was kind enough to let us stay here, but what he told me about Nox has hit me fucking hard. I can't believe Nox killed Dove's brother. And through it all, she stayed with him. What kind of naive person does that? She should have kicked him to the curb a long time ago.
My image of the perfect family I used to have has been effectively ruined, and I don't think I'll ever see Dove and Nox in the same light.
I got a new phone number when we moved here and never looked back. I don't want anybody being able to contact me, because I know just how badly it will hurt when Raphael doesn't call. But that also meant cutting off all contact with my family, which still fills me with a deep, gut-searing guilt.
I miss the boys. I miss Dove's kind gentleness. I miss Nox's quiet determination. But they lied to me. And I can never be a part of their family again.
I unlock the apartment and walk into chaos. Groaning, I start unloading groceries as I realize Scott must've thrown a party at our place. There must be two dozen people in the two-bedroom apartment. I quickly push past them on my way to my bedroom, not intending on participating at all. I have an early start tomorrow, I have to be up bright and early for school.
But Mercy blocks my path, grinning widely as she throws her arms around my shoulders.
"Mercy," I groan. "What's happening here? You know I start tomorrow, I need to get some rest."
"No," she drawls out, caging my face between her palms. "Come party with us, Willa."
"I can't." I try to shake her off when I see just how dilated her pupils are. "Fuck, Mercy. Did you take something?"
"Only the best thing in the world."
She pulls out a plastic baggy with several pills in it. I feel shivers running down my spine as she places two pills on her tongue and winks at me.
"Want some?"
"No, I –"
I don't get to finish my sentence. Mercy leans over and kisses me deeply to the sound of cheers from our guests in the background.
We haven't kissed in a long time. It's been months since we did it last, months since the last party I've been too. I reluctantly let Mercy slip the pill into my mouth and as she pulls back, it dissolves on my tongue, leaving me dizzy.
"Fuck," I mutter while she laughs.
"Come on, Wills." She tugs on my arm. "Try to have some fun with us. I feel like I'm losing you."
Guilt sets in and I realize she's right. I've been pulling away, not just from Mercy but from everyone. I've become a loner. After Raphael hurt me, I've been so determined not to let anybody else do the same thing, I've totally closed myself off.
Suppressing a sigh, I nod and she claps her hands together with excitement. I follow her into the living room where there are even more people milling about. Scott pulls Mercy onto his lap and I groan, instantly regretting taking that stupid pill. I'm on my own now, my so-called best friend has already forgotten all about me, she's focused on her boyfriend once again.
I sink into an armchair and absentmindedly toy with the loose threads on the hem of my skirt. But in mere minutes, the effect from that awful pill kicks in.
The room spins before me and I see stars. I feel like I have motion sickness but all I can do about it is laugh and laugh some more. I don't know if somebody is telling a joke, but I can't stop giggling. I'm getting hot, too, and I slip my cardigan off, wishing I could get naked.
