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"But she's not normal, remember?" Jacob said.
"You want him to tell me, too," Bella said.
"You're right, I'm so over this part where he thinks how horrified you should be," Jacob said.
"I don't know if I have a choice anymore," I murmured. I remembered that I'd once teased her by calling her 'exceptionally unobservant.' Offended her, if I'd been judging her expressions correctly. Well, I could right that one injustice, at least. "I was wrong??you're much more observant than I gave you credit for." And, though she might not realize it, I'd given her plenty of credit already. She missed nothing.
Bella smiled at that.
"I thought you were always right," she said, smiling as she teased me.
Both Bella and Jacob laughed at that.
"He'll have to change that now," Jacob laughed even harder. "He's always right except when it comes to you."
"I used to be." I used to know what I was doing. I used to be always sure of my course. And now everything was chaos and tumult.
Yet I wouldn't trade it. I didn't want the life that made sense. Not if the chaos meant that I could be with Bella.
"I was wrong about you on one other thing as well," I went on, setting the record straight on another point. "You're not a magnet for accidents??that's not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten mile radius, it will invariably find you."
"You didn't really need to set the record straight on that one," Bella groaned and Jacob chuckled at her reaction.
Why her? What had she done to deserve any of this?
Bella's face turned serious again. "And you put yourself into that category?"
Honesty was more important in regards to this question than any other.
"Unequivocally."
"What's the matter with saying yes?" Jacob rolled his eyes.
"It wouldn't be Edward," Bella shrugged with a smile.
Her eyes narrowed slightly??not suspicious now, but oddly concerned. She reached her hand across the table again, slowly and deliberately. I pulled my hands an inch away from her, but she ignored that, determined to touch me. I held my breath??not because of her scent now, but because of the sudden, overwhelming tension. Fear. My skin would disgust her. She would run away.
Bella really hoped that this would be the last time she had to hear that.
She brushed her fingertips lightly across the back of my hand. The heat of her gentle, willing touch was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was almost pure pleasure.
"Wow... look what a simple touch does to you," Jacob laughed as Bella blushed a little.
Would have been, except for my fear. I watched her face as she felt the cold stone of my skin, still unable to breathe.
A half-smile turned up the corners of her lips.
"Thank you," she said, meeting my stare with an intense gaze of her own. "That's twice now."
Her soft fingers lingered on my hand as if they found it pleasant to be there.
I answered her as casually as I was able. "Let's not try for three, agreed?"
Jacob and Bella groaned at that; that just seemed to suggest something else was going to happen.
She grimaced at that, but nodded.
I pulled my hands out from under hers. As exquisite as her touch felt, I wasn't going to wait for the magic of her tolerance to pass, to turn to revulsion. I hid my hands under the table.
I read her eyes; though her mind was silent, I could perceive both trust and wonder there. I realized in that moment that I wanted to answer her questions. Not because I owed it to her. Not because I wanted her to trust me.
I wanted her to know me.
Bella really smiled when she read this. In some ways this had more of an effect on her than when he had said that he loved her, for now she could see that he really was trusting her... opening up to her. She really liked that.
"I followed you to Port Angeles," I told her, the words spilling out too quickly for me to edit them. I knew the danger of the truth, the risk I was taking. At any moment, her unnatural calm could shatter into hysterics. Contrarily, knowing this only had me talking faster. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes."
I watched her, waiting.
She smiled. Her lips curved up at the edges, and her chocolate eyes warmed.
I'd just admitted to stalking her, and she was smiling.
"Weirdo," Jacob shook his head. "He's stalking you!"
"I know," Bella said.
"That doesn't creep you out at all?" Jacob questioned.
"Not when he's telling me the truth for the first time," Bella said.
"Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time, with the van, and that you've been interfering with fate?" she asked.
"Don't say that," Jacob shivered.
"Sorry," Bella sighed.
"That wasn't the first time," I said, staring down at the dark maroon table cloth, my shoulders bowed in shame. My barriers were down, the truth still spilling free recklessly. "Your number was up the first time I met you."
"He's going to tell you that?" Jacob said shook.
It was true, and it angered me. I had been positioned over her life like the blade of a guillotine. It was as if she had been marked for death by some cruel, unjust fate, and??since I'd proved an unwilling tool??that same fate continued to try to execute her.
"Please move away from that thought," Jacob said.
"I'm sure the unwilling tool will save me from anything fate will try to throw at me," Bella shrugged.
I imagined the fate personified??a grisly, jealous hag, a vengeful harpy.
I wanted something, someone, to be responsible for this??so that I would have something concrete to fight against. Something, anything to destroy, so that Bella could be safe.
Bella was very quiet; her breathing had accelerated.
I looked up at her, knowing I would finally see the fear I was waiting for. Had I not just admitted how close I'd been to killing her? Closer than the van that had come within slim inches of crushing her. And yet, her face was still calm, her eyes still tightened only with concern.
"You remember?" She had to remember that.
"Yes," she said, her voice level and grave. Her deep eyes were full of awareness.
She knew. She knew that I had wanted to murder her.
"Did you really know that he was going to murder you?" Jacob asked. "I know you can't answer that... but I would really like to know the answer to this."
"I doubt my book self knows it like I know it," Bella said. "But I must have realized what the look meant."
Where were the screams?
"And yet here you sit," I said, pointing out the inherent contradiction.
"Yes, here I sit??because of you." Her expression altered, turned curious, as she unsubtly changed the subject. "Because somehow you knew how to find me today???"
Hopelessly, I pushed one more time at the barrier that protected her thoughts, desperate to understand. It made no logical sense to me. How could she even care about the rest with that glaring truth on the table?
"Exactly," Jacob agreed.
"You know why..." Bella started to say.
"Your book self has no idea what he's thinking," Jacob putted out. "And yet you're sitting there, not caring at all that he just said that he thought about killing you."
"Yep," Bella shrugged and then laughed at the expression that Jacob was making now.
She waited, only curious. Her skin was pale, which was natural for her, but it still concerned me. Her dinner sat nearly untouched in front of her. If I continued to tell her too much, she was going to need a buffer when the shock wore off.
I named my terms. "You eat, I'll talk."
She processed that for half a second, and then threw a bite in her mouth with a speed that belied her calm. She was more anxious for my answer than her eyes let on.
"Good," Bella said, that meant that her eyes had become better at hiding her emotions than they were now.
"It's harder than it should be??keeping track of you," I told her. "Usually I can find someone very easily, once I've heard their mind before."
I watched her face carefully as I said this. Guessing right was one thing, having it confirmed was another.
She was motionless, her eyes wide. I felt my teeth clench together as I waited for her panic.
But she just blinked once, swallowed loudly, and then quickly scooped another bite into her mouth. She wanted me to continue.
Jacob chuckled at the image.
"I was keeping tabs on Jessica," I went on, watching each word as it sank in.
"Not carefully??like I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles??" I couldn't resist adding that. Did she realize that other human lives were not so plagued with near death experiences, or did she think she was normal?
Bella gritted her teeth at that thought. Of course she knew this wasn't normal... she'd never been attacked before she got to Forks.
She was the furthest thing from normal I'd ever encountered. "And at first I didn't notice when you took off on your own. Then, when I realized that you weren't with her anymore, I went looking for you at the bookstore I saw in her head. I could tell that you hadn't gone in, and that you'd gone south??and I knew you would have to turn around soon. So I was just waiting for you, randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street??to see if anyone had noticed you so I would know where you were. I had no reason to be worried??but I was strangely anxious??" My breath came faster as I remembered that feeling of panic. Her scent blazed in my throat and I was glad. It was a pain that meant she was alive. As long as I burned, she was safe.
"That's an interesting way of thinking of it," Jacob said. "And I guess I'm going to say that I hope that your throat always burns."
"I started to drive in circles, still??listening." I hoped the word made sense to her.
This had to be confusing. "The sun was finally setting, and I was about to get out, and follow you on foot. And then??"
"Hm... if you didn't already know that he was a vampire, I bet that sentence would have confused you," Jacob said.
"Yeah... I might have wondered why he had to wait for the sun to go down before he got out," Bella agreed, "but I'm not sure if I'm really paying attention to that part."
As the memory took me??perfectly clear and as vivid as if I was in the moment again??I felt the same murderous fury wash through my body, locking it into ice.
I wanted him dead. I needed him dead. My jaw clenched tight as I concentrated on holding myself here at the table. Bella still needed me. That was what mattered.
"Then what?" she whispered, her dark eyes wide.
"I heard what they were thinking," I said through my teeth, unable to keep the words from coming out in a growl. "I saw your face in his mind."
I could hardly resist the urge to kill. I still knew precisely where to find him. His black thoughts sucked at the night sky, pulling me toward them??
I covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a monster, a hunter, a killer. I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself, focusing only on her face. The delicate framework of her bones, the thin sheath of her pale skin??like silk stretched over glass, incredibly soft and easy to shatter. She was too vulnerable for this world. She needed a protector. And, through some twisted mismanagement of destiny, I was the closest thing available.
"Honestly, I'm not any more fragile than all the other humans around me," Bella mumbled.
"I don't know about that," Jacob chuckled. "And add in the fact that everything comes after you... I can really see Edward's point."
I tried to explain my violent reaction so that she would understand.
"It was very??hard??you can't imagine how hard??for me to simply take you away, and leave them??alive," I whispered. "I could have let you go with Jessica and Angela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them."
"Okay... so now he's admitting to be a murderer... or at least having murderous thoughts," Jacob said. "You're going to take this just as calmly as the stalking thing, aren't you?"
"Probably," Bella shrugged. "Though the more he talks like this, the more I feel like I really do know what he is already."
"Yeah," Jacob groaned. "I know what you mean."
For the second time tonight, I confessed to an intended murder. At least this one was defensible.
"Agreed," Jacob said.
She was quiet as I struggled to control myself. I listened to her heartbeat. The rhythm was irregular, but it slowed as the time passed until it was steady again. Her breathing, too, was low and even.
I was too close to the edge. I needed to get her home before??
Would I kill him, then? Would I become a murderer again when she trusted me?
Was there any way to stop myself?
She'd promised to tell me her latest theory when we were alone. Did I want to hear it? I was anxious for it, but would the reward for my curiosity be worse than not knowing?
"No," Bella said.
"Though I'm not so sure I can say the same thing," Jacob said, feeling more and more like he didn't want to know what her theory was.
At any rate, she must have had enough truth for one night.
"Yeah right," Bella rolled her eyes; there were so many other things that she knew that her book self wanted to know about.
I looked at her again, and her face was paler than before, but composed.
"Are you ready to go home?" I asked.
"I'm ready to leave," she said, choosing her words carefully, as if a simple 'yes' did not fully express what she wanted to say.
Frustrating.
Jacob groaned and chuckled at that. "That's rich coming from him."
Bella chuckled at that too.
The waitress returned. She'd heard Bella's last statement as she'd dithered on the other side of the partition, wondering what more she could offer me. I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the offerings she'd had in mind.
"How are we doing?" she asked me.
"We're ready for the check, thank you," I told her, my eyes on Bella.
The waitress's breathing spiked and she was momentarily??to use Bella's phrasing??dazzled by my voice.
Jacob chuckled at that and Bella rolled her eyes.
In a sudden moment of perception, hearing the way my voice sounded in this inconsequential human's head, I realized why I seemed to be attracting so much admiration tonight??unmarred by the usual fear.
It was because of Bella. Trying so hard to be safe for her, to be less frightening, to be human, I truly had lost my edge. The other humans saw only beauty now, with my innate horror so carefully under control.
Bella was annoyed by this, why did he have to be more appealing to the others...
"Don't like that very much, do you?" Jacob chuckled at her reaction.
I looked up at the waitress, waiting for her to recover herself. It was sort of humorous, now that I understood the reason.
"Sure," she stuttered. "Here you go."
She handed me the folder with the bill, thinking of the card she'd slid in behind the receipt. A card with her name and telephone number on it.
Bella was now glaring at the book.
"That's ridiculous," Jacob said shaking his head. "He's obviously there with you... how cheesy is it to try and give the guy a number then?
Yes, it was rather funny.
"I wouldn't call it funny," Bella muttered darkly.
"I would... now," Jacob laughed.
I had money ready again. I gave the folder back at once, so she wouldn't waste any time waiting for a call that would never come.
"No change," I told her, hoping the size of the tip would assuage her disappointment.
I stood, and Bella quickly followed suit. I wanted to offer her my hand, but I thought that might be pushing my luck a little too far for one night. I thanked the waitress, my eyes never leaving Bella's face. Bella seemed to be finding something amusing, too.
"What?" Jacob said.
"I think you're wondering about that more than Edward is in this chapter," Bella smirked.
"Whatever," Jacob frowned.
We walked out; I walked as close beside her as I dared. Close enough that the warmth coming off her body was like a physical touch against the left side of my body.
As I held the door for her, she sighed quietly, and I wondered what regret made her sad. I stared into her eyes, about to ask, when she suddenly looked at the ground, seeming embarrassed. It made me more curious, even as it made me reluctant to ask. The silence between us continued while I opened her door for her and then got into the car.
"Seriously, why are you upset?" Jacob groaned.
"I don't know," Bella said, curious this time too, but still laughing at Jacob's reaction.
I turned the heater on??the warmer weather had come to an abrupt end; the cold car must be uncomfortable for her. She huddled in my jacket, a small smile on her lips.
I waited, postponing conversation until the lights of the boardwalk faded. It made me feel more alone with her.
Was that the right thing? Now that I was focused only on her, the car seemed very small. Her scent swirled through it with the current of the heater, building and strengthening. It grew into its own force, like another entity in the car. A presence that demanded recognition.
It had that; I burned. The burning was acceptable, though. It seemed strangely appropriate to me. I had been given so much tonight??more than I'd expected. And here she was, still willingly at my side. I owed something in return for that. A sacrifice. A burnt offering.
Bella rolled her eyes at that.
Now if I could just keep it to that; just burn, and nothing more. But the venom filled my mouth, and my muscles tensed in anticipation, as if I were hunting??
I had to keep such thoughts from my mind. And I knew what would distract me.
"Now," I said to her, fear of her response taking the edge off the burn. "It's your turn."
"That's the end of the chapter," Bella said.
"Well, that was another relaxing chapter," Jacob groaned. "And I'm sure I'm going to like the next one."
"Well, get on to reading it then," Bella said.
