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Bella grimaced at this; as if Edward needed any more reasons to think that she couldn't survive without him near by... then again, having him nearby was a plus... so she wasn't too annoyed by this.
Then I remembered the scrapes on her palms. "Well, not totally unscathed," I amended.
"What?"
"Your hands," I reminded her.
She sighed and grimaced. "I fell."
I'd guessed right. "That's what I thought," I said, unable to contain my smile. "I suppose, being you, it could have been much worse??and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away. It was a very long three days. I really got on Emmett's nerves." Honestly, that didn't belong in the past tense. I was probably still irritating Emmett, and all the rest of my family, too. Except Alice??
"Three days?" she asked, her voice suddenly sharp. "Didn't you just get back today?"
I didn't understand the edge in her voice.
"She missed you too, you idiot," Jacob chuckled.
"No, we got back Sunday."
"Then why weren't any of you in school?" she demanded. Her irritation confused me. She didn't seem to realize that this question was one that related to mythology again.
"Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn't," I said. "But I can't go out in the sunlight, at least, not where anyone can see."
That distracted her from her mysterious annoyance.
"Is it really that mysterious?" Bella questioned Jacob.
"I don't think so," Jacob said. "But of course I have you right here telling me what your book self is thinking... um... at least you do when you can."
"Why?" she asked, leaning her head to one side.
I doubted I could come up with the appropriate analogy to explain this one. So I just told her, "I'll show you sometime." And then I wondered if this was a promise I would end up breaking. Would I see her again, after tonight? Did I love her enough yet to be able to bear leaving her?
Bella growled, really annoyed by that. If he didn't stop thinking about leaving her... Saying that his leaving proved that he loved her, she was going to scream.
"You might have called me," she said.
What an odd conclusion. "But I knew you were safe."
"What a jerk," Jacob laughed. "Of course only he matters."
Bella rolled her eyes.
"But I didn't know where you were. I??" She came to an abrupt stop, and looked at her hands.
"What?"
"I didn't like it," she said shyly, the skin over her cheekbones warming. "Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too."
"Aww... poor Bella," Jacob teased.
"Shut up," Bella groaned.
Are you happy now? I demanded of myself. Well, here was my reward for hoping.
"He says that like it's a bad thing he got what he hoped for," Jacob rolled his eyes.
I was bewildered, elated, horrified??mostly horrified??to realize that all my wildest imaginings were not so far off the mark. This was why it didn't matter to her that I was a monster. It was exactly the same reason that the rules no longer mattered to me.
"And it's a horrifying reason," Jacob said.
Why right and wrong were no longer compelling influences. Why all my priorities had shifted one rung down to make room for this girl at the very top.
Bella cared for me, too.
Bella smiled.
"I don't think he's going to stop his negative thinking," Jacob pointed out to her.
"But it's still nice to know that I like him... and he knows it now," Bella said.
I knew it could be nothing in comparison to how I loved her.
"And apparently he's still going to underestimate you," Jacob chuckled.
"Um... well, he might have a point," Bella said. "I mean, you heard how he described how vampires love..."
"Yeah," Jacob agreed, knowing that it was close to what was described in his legends. "But if that is true, it's probably easy for you to feel the same way," he added a little reluctantly. "I mean if someone loves you like that... don't you think it would be easy... even for us lowly humans... to love the same way."
"I suppose," Bella said. "Still, I'll have to meet him before I really understand my feelings."
But it was enough for her to risk her life to sit here with me. To do so gladly.
Enough to cause her pain if I did the right thing and left her.
Bella groaned at that.
Was there anything I could do now that would not hurt her? Anything at all?
I should have stayed away. I should never have come back to Forks. I would cause her nothing but pain.
Would that stop me from staying now? From making it worse?
Bella grimaced, but now she was determined... she was going to have to make it clear to him that leaving wasn't an option. Of course how she was going to do that was the more difficult problem.
The way I felt right now, feeling her warmth against my skin??
No. Nothing would stop me.
"Ah," I groaned to myself. "This is wrong."
"What did I say?" she asked, quick to take the blame on herself.
"Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved. I don't want to hear that you feel that way."
It was the truth, it was a lie. The most selfish part of me was flying with the knowledge that she wanted me as I wanted her. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella?? please, grasp that."
"No." Her lips pouted out petulantly.
Jacob laughed at that, "Sorry man...but you're not going to get through that thick skull of hers."
Bella rolled her eyes, though Jacob was right about that statement.
"I'm serious." I was battling with myself so strongly??half desperate for her to accept, half desperate to keep the warnings from escaping??that the words came through my teeth as a growl.
"So am I," she insisted. "I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."
"You probably should have picked better words than too late," Jacob said.
"Whatever," Bella said.
Too late? The world was bleakly black and white for one endless second as I watched the shadows crawl across the sunny lawn toward Bella's sleeping form in my memory. Inevitable, unstoppable. They stole the color from her skin, and plunged her into darkness.
Too late? Alice's vision swirled in my head, Bella's blood red eyes staring back at me impassively. Expressionless??but there was no way that she could not hate me for that future. Hate me for stealing everything from her. Stealing her life and her soul.
Jacob grimaced; he did not like these semi constant reminders of Bella becoming a vampire. It helped that Edward was so dead set against it, but still... it seemed like this was an eventuality that he really didn't want to happen.
Bella, on the other hand, was disagreeing with what Edward thought, believing that if she was a vampire in the future... it would be her choice. She knew better than to voice this thought though, Jacob looked tense enough as it was.
It could not be too late.
"Never say that," I hissed.
She stared out her window, and her teeth bit into her lip again. Her hands were balled into tight fists in her lap. Her breathing hitched and broke.
"What are you thinking?" I had to know.
She shook her head without looking at me. I saw something glisten, like a crystal, on her cheek.
"Y..." Jacob was about to make a comment about this, but stopped himself.
Agony. "Are you crying?" I'd made her cry. I'd hurt her that much.
She scrubbed the tears away with the back of her hand.
"No," she lied, her voice breaking.
Some long buried instinct had me reaching out toward her??in that one second I felt more human than I ever had. And then I remembered that I was??not. And I lowered my hand.
"You're human to me," Bella said, it would be nice if he comforted her there, though she wasn't sure if she was sad or angry... she cried when she's both.
"I'm sorry," I said, my jaw locked. How could I ever tell her how sorry I was?
Sorry for all the stupid mistakes I'd made. Sorry for my never-ending selfishness. Sorry that she was so unfortunate as to have inspired this first, tragic love of mine. Sorry also for the things beyond my control??that I'd been the monster chosen by fate to end her life in the first place.
I took a deep breath??ignoring my wretched reaction to the flavor in the car??and tried to collect myself.
I wanted to change the subject, to think of something else. Lucky for me, my curiosity about the girl was insatiable. I always had a question.
"Tell me something," I said.
"Yes?" she asked huskily, tears still in her voice.
"What were you thinking tonight, just before I came around the corner? I couldn't understand your expression??you didn't look that scared, you looked like you were concentrating very hard on something." I remembered her face??forcing myself to forget whose eyes I was looking through??the look of determination there.
"I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker," she said, her voice more composed. "You know, self defense. I was going to smash his nose into his brain."
Jacob laughed at the comment, though it was a dark laugh, knowing the danger she had been in. "Don't you think running would have been better?"
"I trip when I run," Bella sighed.
"Oh," Jacob grimaced this time. "That does suck... at least you know defense techniques."
Her composure did not last to the end of her explanation. Her tone twisted until it seethed with hate. This was no hyperbole, and her kittenish fury was not humorous now.
I could see her frail figure??just silk over glass??overshadowed by the meaty, heavy fisted human monsters who would have hurt her. The fury boiled in the back of my head.
Jacob was quite upset himself. Knowing that she would have fought... but it wouldn't have helped her... yeah, he was pretty damn mad again.
"You were going to fight them?" I wanted to groan. Her instincts were deadly?? to herself. "Didn't you think about running?"
"I fall down a lot when I run," she said sheepishly.
"What about screaming for help?"
"I was getting to that part."
I shook my head in disbelief. How had she managed to stay alive before she'd come to Forks?
"My life was never threatened before I came here," Bella answered.
"You were right," I told her, a sour edge to my voice. "I'm definitely fighting fate trying to keep you alive."
"Or maybe fate is putting me in danger so that you won't leave me," Bella said.
"What?" Jacob asked.
"Well, it seems like Edward might have left if my life didn't need saving," Bella shrugged. "Plus, I doubt I would ever have found out about him if it weren't for the van accident... and knowing his secret will only improve our relationship.
She sighed, and glanced out the window. Then she looked back at me.
"Will I see you tomorrow?" she demanded abruptly.
As long as I was on my way to hell??I might as well enjoy the journey.
"Yes??I have a paper due, too." I smiled at her, and it felt good to do this. "I'll save you a seat at lunch."
Her heart fluttered; my dead heart suddenly felt warmer.
I stopped the car in front of her father's house. She made no move to leave me.
"Do you promise to be there tomorrow?" she insisted.
"Well, it seems you know about his tendency to want to leave," Jacob chuckled.
"Hm," Bella said, not sure if that was a good thing or not.
"I promise."
How could doing the wrong thing give me so much happiness? Surely there was something amiss in that.
She nodded to herself, satisfied, and started to remove my jacket.
"You can keep it," I assured her quickly. I rather wanted to leave her with something of myself. A token, like the bottle cap that was in my pocket now??
"Ah... he has the cap in his pocket," Jacob laughed.
"You don't have a jacket for tomorrow."
She handed it back to me, smiling ruefully. "I don't want to have to explain to Charlie," she told me.
"I can see your point," Jacob laughed as Bella looked as if she completely agreed with herself on that point.
I would imagine not. I smiled at her. "Oh, right."
She put her hand on the door handle, and then stopped. Unwilling to leave, just as I was unwilling for her to go.
To have her unprotected, even for a few moments??
Peter and Charlotte were well on their way by now, long past Seattle, no doubt.
But there were always others. This world was not a safe place for any human, and for her it seemed to be more dangerous than it was for the rest.
"Bella?" I asked, surprised at the pleasure there was in simply speaking her name.
"Yes?"
"Will you promise me something?"
"Yes," she agreed easily, and then her eyes tightened as if she'd thought of a reason to object.
"You can ask for anything," Bella muttered, hoping that he wouldn't ask for anything unreasonable.
"Don't go into the woods alone," I warned her, wondering if this request would trigger the objection in her eyes.
She blinked, startled. "Why?"
I glowered into the untrustworthy darkness. The lack of light was no problem for my eyes, but neither would it trouble another hunter. It only blinded humans.
"I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there," I told her. "Let's leave it at that."
She shivered, but recovered quickly and was even smiling when she told me, "Whatever you say."
"Don't dismiss that comment," Jacob said, he had shivered, too.
Her breath touched my face, so sweet and fragrant.
