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I could stay here all night like this, but she needed her sleep. The two desires seemed equally strong as they continually warred inside me: wanting her versus wanting her to be safe.
I sighed at the impossibilities. "I'll see you tomorrow," I said, knowing that I would see her much sooner than that. She wouldn't see me until tomorrow, though.
"Tomorrow, then," she agreed as she opened her door.
Agony again, watching her leave.
I leaned after her, wanting to hold her here. "Bella?"
She turned, and then froze, surprised to find our faces so close together.
I, too, was overwhelmed by the proximity. The heat rolled off her in waves, caressing my face. I could all but feel the silk of her skin??
Her heartbeat stuttered, and her lips fell open.
"Sleep well," I whispered, and leaned away before the urgency in my body?? either the familiar thirst or the very new and strange hunger I suddenly felt??could make me do something that might hurt her.
Bella shivered a little in fear... and anticipation.
She sat there motionless for a moment, her eyes wide and stunned. Dazzled, I guessed.
As was I.
And she smiled at that; it was nice to know that she could dazzle him, too.
She recovered??though her face was still a bit bemused??and half fell out of the car, tripping over her feet and having to catch the frame of the car to right herself.
I chuckled??hopefully it was too quiet for her to hear.
"I wouldn't be so sure with Bella," Jacob mumbled.
I watched her stumble her way up to the pool of light that surrounded the front door. Safe for the moment. And I would be back soon to make sure.
I could feel her eyes follow me as I drove down the dark street. Such a different sensation than I was accustomed to. Usually, I could simply watch myself through someone's following eyes, were I of a mind to. This was strangely exciting??this intangible sensation of watching eyes. I knew it was just because they were her eyes.
A million thoughts chased each other through my head as I drove aimlessly into the night.
For a long time I circled through the streets, going nowhere, thinking of Bella and the incredible release of having the truth known. No longer did I have to dread that she would find out what I was. She knew. It didn't matter to her. Even though this was obviously a bad thing for her, it was amazingly liberating for me.
"Well, that's nice to hear," Bella said; all his thoughts had been so negative before.
More than that, I thought of Bella and requited love. She couldn't love me the way I loved her??such an overpowering, all-consuming, crushing love would probably break her fragile body.
"Hmph," Bella huffed, she was stronger than he thought she was.
But she felt strongly enough. Enough to subdue the instinctive fear. Enough to want to be with me. And being with her was the greatest happiness I had ever known.
For a while??as I was all alone and hurting no one else for a change??I allowed myself to feel that happiness without dwelling on the tragedy. Just to be happy that she cared for me. Just to exult in the triumph of winning her affection. Just to imagine day after day of sitting close to her, hearing her voice and earning her smiles.
I replayed that smile in my head, seeing her full lips pull up at the corners, the hint of a dimple that touched her pointed chin, the way her eyes warmed and melted??
Bella was blushing from this description.
Her fingers had felt so warm and soft on my hand tonight. I imagined how it would feel to touch the delicate skin that stretched over her cheekbones??silky, warm??so fragile.
Silk over glass??frighteningly breakable.
I didn't see where my thoughts were leading until it was too late. As I dwelt on that devastating vulnerability, new images of her face intruded on my fantasies.
Lost in the shadows, pale with fear??yet her jaw tight and determined, her eyes fierce, full of concentration, her slim body braced to strike at the hulking forms that gathered around her, nightmares in the gloom??
Jacob hissed at this description and Bella shuddered.
"Ah," I groaned as the simmering hate that I'd all but forgotten in the joy of loving her burst again into an inferno of rage.
I was alone. Bella was, I trusted, safe inside her home; for a moment I was fiercely glad that Charlie Swan??head of the local law enforcement, trained and armed?? was her father. That ought to mean something, provide some shelter for her.
Jacob chuckled. "Ah, so that point eases his mind a little."
She was safe. It would not take me so very long to avenge the insult??
No. She deserved better. I could not allow her to care for a murderer.
But??what about the others?
Bella was safe, yes. Angela and Jessica were also, surely, safe in their beds.
"He has a point," Jacob hissed. "That man can't be allowed to just walk free... you're not the only one in danger."
"True," Bella said, but she was hoping for imprisonment.
Yet a monster was loose in the streets of Port Angeles. A human monster??did that make him the humans' problem? To commit the murder I ached to commit was wrong. I knew that. But leaving him free to attack again could not be the right thing either.
The blond hostess from the restaurant. The waitress I'd never really looked at.
"You can't like the idea of him hurting them or someone like them," Bella said, though the girls were annoying, they didn't deserve that.
Both had irritated me in a trivial way, but that did not mean they deserved to be in danger.
Either one of them might be somebody's Bella.
That realization decided me.
I turned the car north, accelerating now that I had a purpose. Whenever I had a problem that was beyond me??something tangible like this??I knew where I could go for help.
Alice was sitting on the porch, waiting for me. I pulled to a stop in front of the house rather than going around to the garage.
"Carlisle's in his study," Alice told me before I could ask.
"Ah, he goes to his dad," Bella smiled.
"Thank you," I said, tousling her hair as I passed.
Thank you for returning my call, she thought sarcastically.
"Oh." I paused by the door, pulling out my phone and flipping it open. "Sorry. I didn't even check to see who it was. I was??busy."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, too. By the time I saw what was going to happen, you were on your way."
Bella shivered as she wondered just how much Alice had seen.
"It was close," I murmured.
Sorry, she repeated, ashamed of herself.
It was easy to be generous, knowing that Bella was fine. "Don't be. I know you can't catch everything. No one expects you to be omniscient, Alice."
"Thanks."
"I almost asked you out to dinner tonight??did you catch that before I changed my mind?"
She grinned. "No, I missed that one, too. Wish I'd known. I would have come."
Though Bella did want to meet Alice, she was quite happy that she'd had that dinner with Edward alone.
"What were you concentrating on, that you missed so much?"
Jasper's thinking about our anniversary. She laughed. He's trying not to make a decision on my gift, but I think I have a pretty good idea??
Jacob laughed at that. "She would use her gift on something like that."
"You're shameless."
"Yep."
She pursed her lips, and stared up at me, a hint of accusation in her expression. I paid better attention later. Are you going to tell them that she knows?
"Oh," Bella said a little tensely. Now wondering what the rest of the family would think about her knowing their secret. She couldn't help but be a little reminded about their conversation after the van accident and it made her shiver. But surely they wouldn't be so hostile about her this time, right?
I sighed. "Yes. Later."
I won't say anything. Do me a favor and tell Rosalie when I'm not around, okay?
Jacob chuckled at that. "I'd like to see that one."
Bella just flinched.
I flinched. "Sure."
Bella took it pretty well.
"Too well."
Alice grinned at me. Don't underestimate Bella.
"I knew I liked her," Bella smiled.
I tried to block the image I didn't want to see?? Bella and Alice, best of friends.
"There is nothing wrong with that," Bella said firmly.
"Of course there is," Jacob said just as firmly. "I'm your best friend."
"Sure you are," Bella rolled her eyes, and laughed when Jacob pouted.
Impatient now, I sighed heavily. I wanted to be through with the next part of the evening; I wanted it over with. But I was a little worried to leave Forks??
"Alice??" I began. She saw what I was planning to ask.
She'll be fine tonight. I'm keeping a better watch now. She sort of needs twenty-four hour supervision, doesn't she?
"Argh," Bella groaned, now Alice was going to be watching her, too.
"At least."
"Anyway, you'll be with her soon enough."
I took a deep breath. The words were beautiful to me.
"Go on??get this done so you can be where you want to be," she told me.
I nodded, and hurried up to Carlisle's room.
He was waiting for me, his eyes on the door rather than the thick book on his desk.
"I heard Alice tell you where to find me," he said, and smiled.
It was a relief to be with him, to see the empathy and deep intelligence in his eyes.
Carlisle would know what to do.
"I can relate to that," Jacob said, thinking of the many times he had gone to his dad for help with things. This right here, really made Edward seem human to him.
"I need help."
"Anything, Edward," he promised.
"Did Alice tell you what happened to Bella tonight?"
Almost happened, he amended.
"Yes, almost. I've got a dilemma, Carlisle. You see, I want??very much??to kill him." The words started to flow fast and passionate. "So much. But I know that would be wrong, because it would be vengeance, not justice. All anger, no impartiality. Still, it can't be right to leave a serial rapist and killer wandering Port Angeles! I don't know the humans there, but I can't let someone else take Bella's place as his victim. Those other women??someone might feel about them the way I feel about Bella. Might suffer what I would have suffered if she'd been harmed. It's not right??"
His wide, unexpected smile stopped the rush of my words cold.
She's very good for you, isn't she? So much compassion, so much control. I'm impressed.
Bella blushed at this, taking this as conformation that Carlisle approved of her.
"I'm not looking for compliments, Carlisle."
"Of course not. But I can't help my thoughts, can I?" He smiled again. "I'll take care of it. You can rest easy. No one else will be harmed in Bella's place."
"Good," Bella said looking relieved. "But then again... that doesn't really mean anything does it... He's still out there... only in this book is he being taken care of."
"We'll just have to make sure to tell someone about this guy," Jacob said.
I saw the plan in his head. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, it did not satisfy my craving for brutality, but I could see that it was the right thing.
"Aw," Jacob said, he wouldn't have minded a little brutality.
"I'll show you where to find him," I said.
"Let's go."
He grabbed his black bag on the way. I would have preferred a more aggressive form of sedation??like a cracked skull??but I would let Carlisle do this his way.
We took my car. Alice was still on the steps. She grinned and waved as we drove away. I saw that she had looked ahead for me; we would have no difficulties.
The trip was very short on the dark, empty road. I left off my headlights to keep from attracting attention. It made me smile to think how Bella would have reacted to this pace. I'd already been driving slower than usual??to prolong my time with her??when she'd objected.
Bella shuddered and Jacob laughed.
Carlisle was thinking of Bella, too.
I didn't foresee that she would be so good for him. That's unexpected. Perhaps this was somehow meant to be. Perhaps it serves a higher purpose. Only??
Bella smiled at that... yes she really liked Carlisle, too.
He pictured Bella with snow cold skin and blood red eyes, and then flinched away from the image.
Yes. Only. Indeed. Because how could there be any good in destroying something so pure and lovely?
I glowered into the night, all the joy of the evening destroyed by his thoughts.
Edward deserves happiness. He's owed it. The fierceness of Carlisle's thoughts surprised me. There must be a way.
"Oh, there will be a way... I'll make sure of that," Bella said firmly.
I wished I could believe that??either one. But there was no higher purpose to what was happening to Bella. Just a vicious harpy, an ugly, bitter fate who could not bear for Bella to have the life she deserved.
I did not linger in Port Angeles. I took Carlisle to the dive where the creature named Lonnie was drowning his disappointment with his friends??two of whom had already passed out. Carlisle could see how hard it was for me to be so close??for me to hear the monster's thoughts and see his memories, memories of Bella mixed in with less fortunate girls who no one could save now.
Bella's lip trembled as she thought of those poor girls.
My breathing sped. I clenched the steering wheel.
Go, Edward, he told me gently. I'll make the rest of them safe. You go back to Bella.
It was exactly the right thing to say. Her name was the only distraction that could mean anything to me now.
"And I'm sure he knew it," Bella said. Carlisle seemed to have a very good understanding of his son.
I left him in the car, and ran back to Forks in a straight line through the sleeping forest. It took less time than the first journey in the speeding car. It was just minutes later that I scaled the side of her house and slid her window out of my way.
I sighed silently with relief. Everything was just as it should be. Bella was safe in her bed, dreaming, her wet hair tangled like seaweed across the pillow.
But, unlike most nights, she was curled into a small ball with the covers stretched taut around her shoulders. Cold, I guessed. Before I could settle into my usual seat, she shivered in her sleep, and her lips trembled.
I thought for a brief moment, and then I eased out into the hallway, exploring another part of her house for the first time.
Charlie's snores were loud and even.
Jacob shivered; he had gotten used to the stalker vampire, but it seemed more unnerving now hearing Edward mention Charlie sleeping.
I could almost catch the edge of his dream. Something with the rush of water and patient expectation??fishing, maybe?
Bella and Jacob both chuckled at that. That really seemed like a dream Charlie would have.
There, at the top of the stairs, was a promising looking cupboard. I opened it hopefully, and found what I was looking for. I selected the thickest blanket from the tiny linen closet, and took it back into her room. I would return it before she woke, and no one would be the wiser.
Holding my breath, I cautiously spread the blanket over her; she didn't react to the added weight. I returned to the rocking chair.
While I waited anxiously for her to warm up, I thought of Carlisle, wondering where he was now. I knew his plan would go smoothly??Alice had seen that.
Thinking of my father made me sigh??Carlisle gave me too much credit. I wished I was the person he thought me to be. That person, the one who deserved happiness, might hope to be worthy of this sleeping girl. How different things would be if I could be that Edward.
"And what makes you so sure you're not that Edward?" Bella questioned, knowing there would be no answer (she was talking to a book after all).
As I pondered this, a strange, uncalled image filled my head.
For one moment, the hag-faced fate I'd imagined, the one who sought Bella's destruction, was replaced by the most foolish and reckless of angels. A guardian angel?? something Carlisle's version of me might have had. With a heedless smile on her lips, her sky-colored eyes full of mischief, the angel formed Bella in such a fashion that there was no way that I could possibly overlook her. A ridiculously potent scent to demand my attention, a silent mind to enflame my curiosity, a quiet beauty to hold my eyes, a selfless soul to earn my awe. Leave out the natural sense of self-preservation??so that Bella could bear to be near me??and, finally, add a wide streak of appallingly bad luck.
"Obviously she would have to have bad luck if her guardian angel was as reckless as all that," Jacob said.
"I don't think it sounds all that bad," Bella said. "Besides, he was talking about his angel."
"If the angel created you... it would be yours, too," Jacob shrugged.
With a careless laugh, the irresponsible angel propelled her fragile creation directly into my path, trusting blithely in my flawed morality to keep Bella alive.
In this vision, I was not Bella's sentence; she was my reward.
Bella nodded her head... that was a much better thought.
I shook my head at the fantasy of the unthinking angel. She was not much better than the harpy. I could not think well of a higher power that would behave in such a dangerous and stupid manner. At least the ugly fate I could fight against.
And I had no angel. They were reserved for the good??for people like Bella. So where was her angel through all this? Who was watching over her?
"It looks like they've given you that job, so keep up the good work," Bella said.
I laughed silently, startled, as I realized that, just now, I was filling that role.
A vampire angel??there was a stretch.
"No, it's not... he has his own TV show," Jacob laughed and Bella rolled her eyes.
"I don't think he was talking about a vampire named Angel," Bella said.
After about a half hour, Bella relaxed out of the tight ball. Her breathing got deeper and she started to murmur. I smiled, satisfied. It was a small thing, but at least she was sleeping more comfortably tonight because I was here.
"Edward," she sighed, and she smiled, too.
I shoved tragedy aside for the moment, and let myself be happy again.
"Good," Bella smiled.
"That's the end of the chapter," Jacob said, "let's get something to eat."
