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"Complications," Jacob read. "I don't like the sound of that."
"I'm sure it's not as bad as it sounds," Bella shrugged.
Bella and I walked silently to biology. I was trying to focus myself on the moment, on the girl beside me, on what was real and solid, on anything that would keep Alice's deceitful, meaningless visions out of my head.
"It's not meaningless," Jacob muttered, "don't underestimate it."
We passed Angela Weber, lingering on the sidewalk, discussing an assignment with a boy from her Trigonometry class. I scanned her thoughts perfunctorily, expecting more disappointment, only to be surprised by their wistful tenor.
Ah, so there was something Angela wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn't something that could be easily gift-wrapped.
"She must like the guy," Bella said.
"This should be interesting," Jacob chuckled.
"It will only work if the guy likes her back though," Bella said.
"But Angela is cool... who wouldn't like her," Jacob said.
I felt strangely comforted for a moment, hearing Angela's hopeless yearning. A sense of kinship that Angela would never know about passed through me, and I was, in that second, at one with the kind human girl.
"What does he mean by that... your yearning isn't hopeless, Edward!" Bella huffed.
It was oddly consoling to know that I wasn't the only one living out a tragic love story. Heartbreak was everywhere.
"Argh," Bella groaned. "Only if you keep thinking that way."
In the next second, I was abruptly and thoroughly irritated. Because Angela's story didn't have to be tragic. She was human and he was human and the difference that seemed so insurmountable in her head was ridiculous, truly ridiculous compared to my own situation. There was no point in her broken heart. What a wasteful sadness, when there was no valid reason for her not to be with the one she wanted.
"Yeah, wasteful," Bella muttered, thinking that Edward's was wasteful too, though he did have more of a reason to be so cautious.
Why shouldn't she have what she wanted? Why shouldn't this one story have a happy ending?
I wanted to give her a gift?? Well, I would give her what she wanted. Knowing what I did of human nature, it probably wouldn't even be very difficult. I sifted through the consciousness of the boy beside her, the object of her affections, and he did not seem unwilling, he was just stymied by the same difficulty she was. Hopeless and resigned, the way she was.
"Come on, people, have faith in yourselves," Jacob said.
Bella, however, was thoughtful. She wondered if this was a mirror of how she and Edward felt... both of them not fully realizing what they other felt. She was sure that her book self couldn't have known how much he loved her... there was no possible way for her to know that. And she could see clearly that Edward didn't understand how much she lo... er... however she felt about him.
She stopped that train of thought as something else seemed to go through her. She was wondering how strongly did she feel about this guy that she had yet to meet... and she longed for that meeting to happen already. Jacob started reading then, drawing her concentration back to the book.
All I would have to do was plant the suggestion??
The plan formed easily, the script wrote itself without effort on my part. I would need Emmett's help??getting him to go along with this was the only real difficulty.
Human nature was so much easier to manipulate than vampire nature.
"You've got to watch out for this guy, Bells, he's definitely a speciesist," Jacob said.
"Whatever," Bella rolled her eyes.
I was pleased with my solution, with my gift for Angela. It was a nice diversion from my own problems. Would that mine were as easily fixed.
My mood was slightly improved as Bella and I took our seats. Maybe I should be more positive. Maybe there was some solution out there for us that was escaping me, the way Angela's obvious solution was so invisible to her. Not likely?? But why waste time with hopelessness? I didn't have time to waste when it came to Bella. Each second mattered.
Mr. Banner entered pulling an ancient TV and VCR. He was skipping through a section he wasn't particularly interested in??genetic disorders??by showing a movie for the next three days. Lorenzo's Oil was not a very cheerful piece, but that didn't stop the excitement in the room. No notes, no test-able material. Three free days. The humans exulted.
"It sounds kind of boring to me," Bella mumbled and Jacob looked at her oddly.
It didn't matter to me, either way. I hadn't been planning on paying any attention to anything but Bella.
I did not pull my chair away from hers today, to give myself space to breathe.
Instead, I sat close beside her like any normal human would. Closer than we sat inside my car, close enough that the left side of my body felt submerged in the heat from her skin.
"I get it! She's hot!" Jacob said and laughed when Bella blushed and glared at him.
It was a strange experience, both enjoyable and nerve-racking, but I preferred this to sitting across the table from her. It was more than I was used to, and yet I quickly realized that it was not enough. I was not satisfied. Being this close to her only made me want to be closer still. The pull was stronger the closer I got.
I had accused her of being a magnet for danger. Right now, it felt like that was the literal truth.
Bella rolled her eyes but chuckled at this.
I was danger, and, with every inch I allowed myself nearer to her, her attraction grew in force.
And then Mr. Banner turned the lights out.
It was odd how much of a difference this made, considering that the lack of light meant little to my eyes. I could still see just as perfectly as before. Every detail of the room was clear.
"That's cool," Jacob said. "I wish I could see in the dark like that."
So why the sudden shock of electricity in the air, in this dark that was not dark to me?
"Shock of electricity?" Bella raised an eyebrow. What was he talking about and why did that make her think of the first time he touched her in the second chapter (the first time he talked to her in the books)?
Was it because I knew that I was the only one who could see clearly? That both Bella and I were invisible to the others? Like we were alone, just the two of us, hidden in the dark room, sitting so close beside one another??
My hand moved toward her without my permission. Just to touch her hand, to hold it in the darkness. Would that be such a horrific mistake? If my skin bothered her, she only had to pull away??
I yanked my hand back, folded my arms tightly across my chest and clenched my hands closed. No mistakes. I'd promised myself that I would make no mistakes, no matter how minimal they seemed. If I held her hand, I would only want more??another insignificant touch, another move closer to her. I could feel that. A new kind of desire was growing in me, working to override my self-control.
Jacob and Bella were thinking the complete opposite thing here.
No mistakes.
Bella folded her arms securely across her own chest, and her hands balled up into fists, just like mine.
"You feeling this too, aren't you?" Jacob questioned, "and I know it didn't happen..."
"Yeah, I think I am feeling this," Bella answer before he could say any more. "I wonder what it means."
"It seems like you're calling to each other somehow," Jacob said, and then he bit his lip. It seemed like some kind of instinctual reaction that went way beyond human... whatever that means.
What are you thinking? I was dying to whisper the words to her, but the room was too quiet to get away with even a whispered conversation.
The movie began, lightening the darkness just a bit. Bella glanced up at me. She noted the rigid way I held my body??just like hers??and smiled. Her lips parted slightly, and her eyes seemed full of warm invitations.
Or perhaps I was seeing what I wanted to see.
I smiled back; her breathing caught with a low gasp and she looked quickly away.
That made it worse. I didn't know her thoughts, but I was suddenly positive that I had been right before, and that she wanted me to touch her. She felt this dangerous desire just as I did.
Between her body and mine, the electricity hummed.
Bella blushed, still not sure what this all meant, but had a good idea. She was also wondering what would happen if he did touch her.
She didn't move all through the hour, holding her stiff, controlled pose as I held mine. Occasionally she would peek at me again, and the humming current would jolt through me with a sudden shock.
"Um... stop looking at him," Jacob said.
"I doubt I can help it," Bella said. "Besides, he's looking at me nonstop... I should be allowed to look too."
The hour passed??slowly, and yet not slowly enough. This was so new, I could have sat like this with her for days, just to experience the feeling fully.
"So the electricity was pleasant," Jacob said.
"Apparently," Bella said evenly, but she was still blushing.
I had a dozen different arguments with myself while the minutes passed, rationality struggling with desire as I tried to justify touching her.
Finally, Mr. Banner turned the lights on again.
In the bright fluorescent light, the atmosphere of the room returned to normal.
Bella sighed and stretched, flexing her fingers in front of her. It must have been uncomfortable for her to hold that position for so long. It was easier for me??stillness came naturally.
"So now you're trying to mimic the vampires," Jacob said shaking his head, trying to laugh.
"Well, they are the coolest thing around," Bella smiled when he made a face at that.
I chuckled at the relieved expression on her face. "Well, that was interesting."
"Umm," she murmured, clearly understanding what I referred to, but making no comment. What I wouldn't give to hear what she was thinking right now.
"I would like to know that too," Bella said.
"I wouldn't have guessed that by your smug expression," Jacob chuckled.
I sighed. No amount of wishing was going to help with that.
Both Bella and Jacob were chuckling at that.
"Shall we?" I asked, standing.
She made a face and got unsteadily to her feet, her hands splayed out as if she were afraid she was going to fall.
I could offer her my hand. Or I could place that hand underneath her elbow??just lightly??and steady her. Surely that wouldn't be such a horrible infraction??
No mistakes.
"How would that be a mistake?" Bella questioned.
"Even with hearing his thoughts, I can't really understand most of his thinking," Jacob shrugged. "Though it's clear that he's afraid of touching you."
She was very quiet as we walked toward the gym. The crease was in evidence between her eyes, a sign that she was deep in thought. I, too, was thinking deeply.
One touch of her skin wouldn't hurt her, my selfish side contended.
I could easily moderate the pressure of my hand. It wasn't exactly difficult, as long as I was firmly in control of myself. My tactile sense was better developed than a human's; I could juggle a dozen crystal goblets without breaking any of them; I could stroke a soap bubble without popping it. As long as I was firmly in control??
"And you're always in control, so it will be fine," Bella said.
"He's not always in control... we've seen him out of control," Jacob said anxiously.
Bella just frowned at that and Jacob read on.
Bella was like a soap bubble??fragile and ephemeral. Temporary.
How long would I be able to justify my presence in her life? How much time did I have? Would I have another chance like this chance, like this moment, like this second?
She would not always be within my arm's reach??
Bella turned to face me at the gym's door, and her eyes widened at the expression on my face. She didn't speak. I looked at myself in the reflection of her eyes and saw the conflict raging in my own. I watched my face change as my better side lost the argument.
"Who's to say what the better said is, Edward?" Bella mumbled to herself but Jacob heard.
My hand lifted without a conscious command for it to do so. As gently as if she were made of the thinnest glass, as if she were fragile as a bubble, my fingers stroked the warm skin that covered her cheekbone. It heated under my touch, and I could feel the pulse of blood speed beneath her transparent skin.
Enough, I ordered, though my hand was aching to shape itself to the side of her face. Enough.
"He doesn't sound too controlled now," Jacob muttered.
"He's touch is gentle... it's not hurting me," Bella said.
"But his mind doesn't seem to have control over his actions," Jacob countered. "His instincts do."
"And what instinct is he following now?" Bella raised her eyebrows. "It's not to hurt me."
"Right," Jacob mumbled, "but there still is an instinct in him that wants to hurt you... don't forget that."
"I won't," Bella sighed. "But that isn't the only instinct he has towards me now."
It was difficult to pull my hand back, to stop myself from moving closer to her than I already was. A thousand different possibilities ran through my mind in an instant??a thousand different ways to touch her. The tip of my finger tracing the shape of her lips. My palm cupping under her chin. Pulling the clip from her hair and letting it spill out across my hand. My arms winding around her waist, holding her against the length of my body.
Enough.
I forced myself to turn, to move away from her. My body moved stiffly?? unwilling.
I let my mind linger behind to watch her as I walked swiftly away, almost running from the temptation. I caught Mike Newton's thoughts??they were the loudest??while he watched Bella walk past him in oblivion, her eyes unfocused and her cheeks red. He glowered and suddenly my name was mingled with curses in his head; I couldn't help grinning slightly in response.
"Too bad Mikey," Jacob said, trying to chuckle again.
My hand was tingling. I flexed it and then curled it into a fist, but it continued to sting painlessly.
No, I hadn't hurt her??but touching her had still been a mistake.
It felt like fire??like the thirsting burn of my throat had spread throughout my entire body.
The next time I was close to her, would I be able to stop myself from touching her again? And if I touched her once, would I be able to stop at that?
"Yes," Bella answered, there was no doubt in her, though Jacob wasn't totally convinced.
