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I turned to look at her then; I hadn't expected her to ask this question. I smiled, realizing I never truly explained what her blood does to me.
"How do I explain?" I deliberated, "And without frightening you again... hmmmm."
My hand was suddenly warm again, and I realized that it had found its way back into her hands. I reached out and placed it there without even giving it my permission. I was distracted immediately, "That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." I sighed.
I began thinking of how I could explain what her blood does to me. What could I say that would make it not sound like I was fighting to not drink her blood every second I was around her? It's true, the monster has been clawing less, but that is because my desires to possess her in other ways had become forefront in my mind. Maybe a food analogy?
"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" I asked, "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"
She nodded, and I decided that maybe food wasn't the best way to explain this, "Sorry about the food analogy ?C I couldn't think of another way to explain."
She smiled and I returned it. I mulled over how to explain this craving I have, "You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now, let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac ?C and filled the room with its warm aroma ?C how do you think he would fare then?" I tried to explain.
I stared fixedly at her then, waiting for her to understand. Alcohol was such a weak comparison. How her blood could ever compare to something so flagrant. At that moment, a light breeze enhanced what I was thinking. Her scent continued to leave a dry dull ache in my throat. She still hadn't answered.
"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead." I decided.
I had never drank alcohol or did any type of drug, those things do nothing for me, but I do know what these things could do to a human. My degrees in medicine helped me understand these types of addictions, but my addiction to Bella was still no comparison.
"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" she asked playfully.
She always knew what to say to lift my spirits. I smiled at her, "Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."
"Does that happen often?" she asked me.
It doesn't happen often, I have only seen it too clearly in Emmett's mind what happened when he crossed paths with someone who smelled as delicious as Bella does to me. I didn't know how to answer her question without making her fear me more, but maybe she needed another dose of fear, "I spoke to my brothers about it." I told her.
I looked away from her as I spoke, not wanting to see her reaction to what I was about to tell her, "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I inclined my head in her direction, hoping she would understand I was sorry that I would have to tell her the rest, "Sorry." I murmured.
"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can," she commanded me.
Silly Bella, I'm always worried about your well being, even your mental health, I thought. I gulped in some of the air around us. Her scent went rushing down my throat and filled my lungs with a burning hunger, emphasizing my explanation, "So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as," I hesitated, making sure I'd pick a word that wouldn't scare her, "appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."
"And for you?"
"Never," I responded.
We were both silent then. What was she thinking now?
"What did Emmett do?" she asked.
I wished she hadn't asked this question. I clenched my teeth as I remembered what happened just as clearly as Emmett had when he was telling me about his experiences. Of course, the humans didn't survive. Bella will live, I promised myself, because I knew I couldn't live without her now.
"I guess I know," she said, taking the burden off my shoulders.
I looked at her then, wishing she would understand that I didn't want her fate to be like those other humans, that I loved her and would do everything in my power to protect her. I sighed internally; "Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?" the thought was wistful.
"What are you asking? My permission?" she hissed acidly, "I mean, is there no hope then?" she said softly.
She spoke openly about her death, like she would have welcomed it if it came from me. How could she possibly think there was no hope? Hadn't I proven that I was stronger than I was when I first engulfed her fragrance? I was instantly repentant, "No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't..." take your life, I added mentally.
I was gazing into her wide eyes. I wanted to explain to her that I was different then my brother. I just wanted her to understand that there was hope.
"It's different for us. Emmet... these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as... practiced, as careful, as he is now."
I watched her expressions. She was in deep thought. She bit at her lower lip and instantly I wondered what her lower lip would taste like. She broke through my fantasy before it got out of control, "So if we'd met... oh, in a dark alley or something..." she left the sentence hanging.
I answered without thinking, "It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and - " I realized I was about to tell her that I thought about snapping all of their necks and saving her for last so I could enjoy her warm blood alone. I decided to leave some details out, "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."
I paused, looking into the trees. A scowl ever present on my face by the choice of our topic. I glanced at her and I could see that she was remembering that first meeting, too.
"You must have thought I was possessed," I said grimly.
"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly..." she trailed off.
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin... I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow..." the memory bit at my cold heart.
Bella's lips had parted then, a little gasp of horror etched into her skin.
"You would have come," I told her.
And she would have. The way Bella flocks towards danger, it would have been very easy. I remembered how I had planned to take her as soon as I got her by myself and grimaced internally.
"Without a doubt," she replied
I removed my eyes from her face then, and frowned down at our hands. I was remembering that first day, "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there ?C in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there ?C so easily dealt with."
I felt her tremble and was immediately concerned that I had said too much. Her eyes were blank, like she was remembering something awful, and she trembled again. I was instantly angry with myself for ever making her feel that way. My behavior that first day was something I have tried to forget, but my mind is not like a human's, I retain every last detail of every moment. She didn't speak.
"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home ?C I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong ?C and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving." I explained to her.
Of all the things I did that day after I had inhaled the most delicious blood ever, fleeing was the only one I was satisfied with. If I hadn't, surely she would be dead ?C my eyes crimson. I continued my story,
"I traded cars with him ?C he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary... By the next morning I was in Alaska," chagrin was etched in my face. I know it was weak to run away, but what else could I have done?
Bella sat there, frozen, enveloped in my story. I continued, "I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances... but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl" ?C I smiled at the fact that I ever thought her insignificant because she was the most significant thing in my world, "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back..." I peered into the forest then, remembering how my family surrounded me my first day back at school, afraid I'd still kill her.
Bella was speechless. Her fingers were still slowly moving up and down my arm. Telling her this story now, I suddenly felt free. I wanted to explain this to her since the first time I came back to school, to explain the reasons for loathing her so much that first day. I wanted Bella to be acquainted with everything about me. I continued, "I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human, I was arrogant about it."
