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“I agree, Olly, and I’m really proud of you. Really fucking proud.”
“Thanks, but I’m only this courageous because I look up to you so much.” He cleared his throat, still smiling. “So what else do you want to know about the gaydom?”
“Well, I don’t really have questions prepped.”
“Wanna know about PrEP?”
“Huh? Like… preparing for sex?”
Oliver waved a hand in the air. “Oh, sis, no, no. That’s for the second lesson.”
We laughed. My little brother’s head cocked to the side, his dark brown hair catching the light. His blue eyes, as bright as mine, seemed to be searching for something as he looked at me. I could tell he was putting the rainbow-colored pieces together.
My heart beat started to race.
“Yeah,” I said, “I’ll stick to the basics for right now and consult Professor Google with the more advanced stuff.” I forked at the food. My steak, as good as it was, had stayed mostly untouched. I was too preoccupied with my thoughts to eat. “Was there ever a moment you doubted yourself?”
Oliver didn’t take long to think about his answer. “Absolutely. All the time when I was younger, when I was driven more by fear than hope. You’re constantly fed this straight fantasy bullshit, that when you start developing conflicting thoughts and emotions, your first instinct is to fight them. No, I can’t possibly be gay, look at me check out the opposite sex! Wow, I’m soooo straight. Look, I’m even holding this girl’s hand down the school hallway. All the while, I couldn’t stop thinking about Timmy in second period. So yeah, I fought it at first. But that goes away. Acceptance is a fickle mistress, Jojo, but once she decides to stay, that bitch makes herself at home.”
There was another question I was dying to ask but felt dumb even thinking it. Oliver had created such a safe space, though, that even my dumb question made it to the surface. I already knew the answer; I just had to ask. “Can I… do you think someone can be gay, like, just for one person?”
Oliver almost did a full spit-take of his blended margarita but seemed to be able to control himself at the last second. “No, not at all. Gay just for one person? Nuh-uh. I can see how one person maybe ignites repressed feelings in someone, and I can see how that person goes on to be bi, or pan, or just flat-out gay, even if they never sleep with any person after that but the one that ignited them in the first place. But I think that once you open up that rainbow-filled can, the one with feelings and emotions and dating, then that’s it, you’re playing on a different team. You can’t be gay for one guy who comes out of the blue and then say ‘nope, not gay’ if it doesn’t work out with that one specific person.” Oliver had his head tilted, his sass levels at full throttle. “We don’t live in an outdated Katy Perry song, okay? Sexuality isn’t something drunk girls can flip like a switch just because they’re in Vegas and not in Itchywitchytaw, Nebraska.” He pursed his lips. “I don’t know if that’s a real place, but you get my point.”
A loud laugh rose up from my chest. “I do get it, Olly. I get it.”
“All right, good.” Oliver’s brows furrowed. “You’re asking an awful lot of questions, Jojo. Not that I mind—I can talk about this until the wheels fall off of my gay little clown car… but, is there something else you want to say?”
This was it. I had to say it. Oliver gave me the opening; I had to take it. I just had to… well, I had to do it. Like a Band-Aid, I needed to rip it off and not look back. Once the words were said, that was it, there was no takesy-backsies. It was the real deal, and I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d want to say those words to first than my little brother.
I survived getting shot in the damn head, I would survive coming out to my brother.
I wrung my hands. Cracked my neck, the pops filling the room. My hands started to tremble. I kept them under the table.
My heart was pounding; my leg was thumping up and down, the table shaking slightly.
Oliver stayed silent.
There was so much silence. I had to fill it.
“So… I think I’m…” This was it. Was I going to say it? Could I say those words and claim the person I felt I really was?
Could I do it?
No… maybe I shouldn’t. It would change so much. Facing this reality.
And there was no turning back either. The moment those words left my mouth, that was it.
“Holy shit, Olly… I think I’m gay.” I let out a breath I’d been holding.
