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“I learned a long time ago that life’s too short not to say what you mean. While you’re fiddling around trying to find the right words or the courage to say what’s in your heart, you might just lose your chance altogether.”
“Thank you, Professor Nietzsche,” I said.
Jake chuckled and a small smile drifted across his lips. But for once, it was a real smile. It almost reached his eyes.
Almost.
But not quite.
“What if he doesn’t need you to fit into his world? What if he just needs you?”
“So what? I’m supposed to ask him to give up everything to be with me?” I asked. Even as I spoke, Jake’s words had planted a little sliver of hope deep inside of me that began to unfurl and curl throughout my body. Maybe there was a way I could make it work. Maybe I didn’t need to ask Bennett to give anything up. As much as I hated the idea of living in New York, maybe I could stomach it if it meant I got to be with him. I could pretend that his friends and family didn’t think I was trash. I’d still have to travel for work, but it would be a hell of a lot better than not being a part of his life. I could make it through just about anything if it meant I could go home to Bennett each day.
I knew I was getting ahead of myself, but I couldn’t help it. This past week had shown me that as much as I loved my life, there was a gaping hole in it that only one man could fill.
I finally realized Jake hadn’t answered me, and I glanced at him to see his eyes were on the ground in front of us. “You okay?” I asked. He’d always been the quiet, solemn type, but there was just something off about him today.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just tired.” His eyes met mine, but it seemed like he had to force the connection. “Thanks for coming to get us.”
“That’s what friends do, right?”
But he didn’t answer me, and in a strange way, I felt like I’d just lost a part of him. Which made no sense since he was right there next to me. Before I could question him, though, he said, “Look.”
I looked up to see Gary striding towards us, a look of utter relief on his face. We were less than a mile from the trailhead. Which meant that even at Jake’s slow pace, it was less than an hour before we reached the lodge and all of its offerings.
Warm beds.
Hot showers.
Amazing food.
And I got to share them all with Bennett. Before talking to Jake, I’d figured I’d get a day or two at most to make love to Bennett on a soft mattress or talk to him over a hot meal, but now I was wondering if it couldn’t be more than that. If those things could become my new normal.
Once Gary reached us, I let him take over helping Jake so I could run ahead and make sure Bennett was okay.
“Hey,” I said. “It’s not much farther. You doing okay?” I asked. I closed my hand around his elbow, both to support him if he needed it and also just to feel his warm skin, but I was shocked when he moved away from me.
“Yeah, we’re good,” he said as he put his arm around Jimmy’s shoulders.
His defection hurt, but I knew it was likely the exhaustion talking. Not to mention he might not be comfortable showing affection around Jimmy.
Except he’d been fine with the boys in our group assuming we were together.
Uncertainty shimmied through me as we walked in silence.
“I thought I’d stay at the lodge for a couple days,” I said, more to get him talking than anything else. I let my words drop off because Bennett didn’t even look at me as I spoke. “You okay?” I asked again.
“Fine,” he said. “Just tired. Ready to go home.”
Home.
Did he mean the lodge or did he mean New York? Doubt began to creep in. What if I’d read last night wrong? What if everything he’d said and done hadn’t really meant anything? I’d been so certain after we’d made love the second time that he was feeling the same things I was, but what if I was wrong? What if he was content with how things had ended up, after all? He could certainly regret what had happened fifteen years ago, but that didn’t mean he wanted things to change now.
“So I thought I’d stay at the lodge,” I said again, hoping, praying for some kind of reaction from him.
“Probably a good idea,” he said. “I’m sure you’re tired and could use some rest before you head home.”
“Yeah, right,” I said. A familiar churning in my belly had me slowing my step. The sensation continued all the way back to the lodge. I barely managed to interact with Lucky who, along with Bear, Aiden and one of the chaperones I recognized from Jake’s group, was waiting for us by the entrance to the lodge. Gary helped Jake into the lodge while the other chaperone took charge of Jimmy, leaving just me, Bennett, Aiden and Lucky standing there. Thunder rumbled in the distance, a reminder that although we’d beaten the storm back to the lodge, we were still in for a good soaker.
