AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Jake happened,” I cut in. “You should have seen them together, Aid. The way they talked about all the trips they’d been on. Even if they aren’t together, they should be. He’s everything I’m not.”
“What does that even mean?”
I wiped at the tears that wouldn’t stop randomly leaking from my eyes. “He likes the same things as Xander. The outdoorsy shit. And he’s beautiful.” I shook my head. “He isn’t a smart-ass, he isn’t klutzy, he doesn’t get pissy…”
“You met the guy for like five minutes, Bennett. You sure you’re just not projecting stuff on him?”
“Are you seriously going all shrinky on me?” I asked. “I saw the way Jake was looking at him. I didn’t need more than thirty seconds to know there was something there. And the whole way back they were talking like I wasn’t even there.”
“Did you try talking to Xander about it?”
“Talk about what? What was I supposed to say? Hey Xander, I’m head over heels in love with you and have been my whole life, so dump the hot wilderness guy who also happens to live within spitting distance of you and pick me, a guy whose family put you through hell and who lives 2000 miles away in a world that you yourself said you could never live in again.”
“Sounds perfect to me.” Aiden grinned at me and I couldn’t stop the smile that stole across my mouth. But it didn’t last.
“He couldn’t get away from me fast enough, Aid. Last night… last night happened because he was feeling guilty about what happened at the river.”
“Jesus, B, for someone who graduated with honors, you’re so damn stupid sometimes.”
“Thanks?” I said.
Aiden sighed and said, “Bennett, tell me something, okay. And think about it before you answer.”
I nodded.
“What’s your first reaction when you start doubting yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
Another sigh. “Okay, let’s look at it this way. When we broke up, what did you say?”
“Really?” I asked in disbelief. “I just got my heart stomped on and you’re bringing that up?”
“Shut up,” he said impatiently. “You and I both know that what you were feeling then isn’t anything even in the same universe as what you’re feeling now.”
He was right, but that didn’t make me feel any better. Aiden had been my first real boyfriend, not to mention the one who’d introduced me to sex. I hadn’t loved him, but I thought I had at the time. When he’d ended things, I’d been heartbroken, but not for the right reasons.
“I made a joke about having to cancel our wedding registry,” I said.
“Right. You made a couple more equally stupid cracks, and then what happened?”
I narrowed my eyes at him because they’d been perfectly good jokes. “You said we should be friends.”
“Right, and how did that go over at first?”
It finally dawned on me what he was getting at. “I told you that sounded like a good idea.”
“And then?”
“And then I avoided you like the plague.”
“You pulled away from me. And it started the second I told you it wasn’t going to work out between us.”
“We’d broken up, Aiden. You gave me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line. What was I supposed to do?”
“What about your parents, then?”
“What about them?”
“All the times they told you how things were going to be… when you admitted you were gay and your dad told you he never wanted to hear those words come out of your mouth again, what did you do?”
“Why are you doing this?” I whispered as I closed my eyes.
I felt his hand cup my cheek. “Because I’m tired of you not standing up for what you want, Bennett… for what you deserve. And because I know what happened out there on that trail when you decided Jake was a better man for Xander. The same thing that happened tonight when you guys got back here. You withdrew… you tried to convince yourself that you were okay, that you weren’t hurting. You use words to mask what you’re feeling, B. Whether it be jokes or just out and out lies, you pretend you’re okay when you aren’t.”
I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t. I’d never been allowed to say what I was really feeling as a kid, because that wasn’t the Crawford way. My life had been mapped out from birth, and wanting something different hadn’t been an option. It was like I’d been given a part to play and I’d spent my entire life perfecting that part.
Bennett Crawford, son of a prominent businessman, heir to a vast fortune, successful Harvard graduate, member of Greenwich’s elite upper crust. Even my work with my father’s company’s foundation had been an acceptable prop, since what I did was considered philanthropy. If I’d done the same kind of work under the title of teacher or social worker, it would have been nixed from the get-go.
