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“He got off on controlling me, in and out of bed. The things he said were meant to feed into all of my worst insecurities. Sex was always about him… he didn’t just push my boundaries, he went right past them. I always had the right to say no, but if I did, I wasn’t saying no to whatever sex act he wanted, I was saying no to the entire relationship.”
“You would have lost him,” I murmured. I felt sick to my stomach and found myself leaning back against the wall.
“He’d become the only thing in my life that mattered. I’d lost touch with my family and friends, especially after Jake disappeared, and I’d put applying to become a Ranger on hold like he’d asked. But then when I found out he was married, I tried to break it off. He threatened to ruin my career. And truth be told, part of me hadn’t wanted to end it. I’d come to believe that he was the only reason I was no longer boring little mediocre Zach Warner who had no hopes of following in his big brother’s footsteps.”
“I don’t believe that,” I said with a firm shake of my head. “You could never be any of those things. Your brother is a great man, but you, Zach, you’re…”
Zach chose that moment to look at me, and all the words that had been on the tip of my tongue got stuck there. He looked so damn sad that I was sure I could feel his pain in my own chest. Zach held my gaze for a few more beats before dropping his eyes again.
“My entire life felt like a lie but I didn’t know how to escape it. I was certain that the success I’d found in my career was only because Mitch had pulled strings or put in a good word for me. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting me the way Mitch did, so I convinced myself it had to be love. I convinced myself that Mitch’s wife was a terrible woman and he’d only stayed with her because of societal pressure and their kids. When he talked down to me it was because I wasn’t smart enough to understand something. When I’d walk in on him flirting with some young cadet, it was because I couldn’t keep him satisfied.” Zach blew out a breath and fell silent for a long time.
A really long time.
His fingers had stopped moving but there was no missing the tic in his jaw. That had me keeping my mouth shut and my feet planted where they were. My gut was telling me that he was struggling with old emotions he’d thought long ago buried. I could see the exact moment he got control of himself because he pulled in a deep breath and stood up a little straighter.
“It took a long time for me to wake up. But wanting out and getting out were two very different things. The more I pulled away from Mitch, the more he held on. He convinced me he could ruin my entire career with just one phone call, and I knew he’d do it. He didn’t like to lose.”
“What did you do?” I asked. My fists were clenched as I imagined what I’d do to the faceless Mitch if I could just get my hands on him.
“I stayed. I lived by his rules for way too long. I knew by then I’d never really loved him… I’d loved the idea of him. I’d loved finding someone who’d known what I’d needed—”
“He didn’t,” I cut in before I could think better of it.
Zach paused to look at me. As big and imposing as he was, he looked so damn broken. I would have given anything in that moment to push into his arms and just hold on to him for dear life.
“He didn’t know what you needed,” I said more softly.
Zach held my gaze for a moment, then nodded in agreement. “When I finally found the guts to end it for real, he tried exactly what he’d threatened… to end my career. By then, I’d discovered I hadn’t been the only young recruit he’d done this to. And with that knowledge, I made sure he wasn’t in any position to screw me over.”
“How?” I asked.
“Mitch was in the process of getting a divorce from his wife of forty-some years… since he’d come from money, they’d signed a prenup, I guess. So she stood to walk away with next to nothing. I told Mitch that if he didn’t retire, I’d be his wife’s star witness in their divorce trial. He couldn’t forget my name fast enough. A little birdie may or may not have anonymously called his wife to tell her all about her future ex’s predilection for pursuing recruits under his command. Given how many guys he took advantage of over the years, she had plenty of ammunition against him and ended up walking away with a pretty nice settlement.”
