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“Figured what out?” I inserted carefully.
“He’d seen me flirting with one of my fellow recruits in the bar the night before and knew I at least swung both ways. I found out later he’d also seen me get shoved away from the guy in disgust, so he figured he could take advantage of the situation.”
“How?” I asked.
Zach sighed. “By offering me a safe haven, making me feel like he was the one person there who’d always be in my corner. He seemed to recognize my lack of confidence, my eagerness to please. So he played on all those things. Within a week of arriving at boot camp, he was calling me into his office to commend me for all my hard work. Then he started talking about how fit I was becoming and how that would benefit me…” Zach began drumming his fingers on his thigh. I suspected he didn’t even realize he was doing it. “I was so stupid,” he said with an ugly laugh. “I actually thought he really was impressed with me and for once I felt…”
Zach’s voice fell off as he dropped his eyes to his feet. “He was my first.”
I found it suddenly hard to swallow as I stepped away from the door. Even if I could have spoken, I wouldn’t have known what to say.
“I didn’t really even have time to consider what was happening. He was older than me, handsome, smart, and I respected the hell out of him, so I let him do whatever he wanted. It was over fast. I can’t say I really enjoyed it or anything, but afterwards when he started talking to me about stuff like I was his equal…” Zach shook his head. “Like I said, he knew what strings to pull.”
“What happened? Did you tell anyone what he did?” I asked. While I knew nothing about the military, I figured it wasn’t exactly okay for commanding officers to seduce their subordinates.
Zach shook his head again. “I foolishly thought one thing didn’t have to do with the other. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone we were dating”—Zach let out a harsh laugh—“I actually thought that’s what we were doing…” He paused and added, “I compartmentalized things. I was a regular guy training to become an Army Ranger, and I was also a guy who happened to be sleeping with a man who had the kind of military career I could only dream of. I think part of me hoped his success would rub off on me, or maybe his connections would ultimately benefit me too. But more than that, I really thought he was the one for me, that it was the real deal.”
“So what happened?” I asked. I was beyond stunned that he was sharing as much as he was and was terrified of doing or saying something to mess it up.
“The relationship went on for five years.”
I gasped at that but if Zach noticed, he didn’t remark on it.
“Five fucking years before I learned the truth.”
“What truth?”
“He was simply using me for sex.” Zach’s fingers began tapping more quickly on his thigh. “Mitch was married. He even had kids my age.”
If the information shocked me, I could only imagine how it’d felt to Zach at the time. “How did he keep it a secret from you for that long?”
“When he was assigned to Fort Benning, his family stayed behind in Fort Bragg since he was so close to retirement. He’d simply drive home from time to time to visit them. He told me he was visiting his parents who lived in North Carolina, and they didn’t know he was gay. That’s why I could never come with him. And I accepted that, because on base… well, he was possessive of me and my time. So much so that he’d actively discouraged me from applying to Ranger School since the deployments would take me away from him too much.”
“But didn’t you always want to be a Ranger?” I carefully asked. “That’s what Jake told me.”
He ran his hand through his short hair. “Yes, but he made me feel wanted. Important. I trusted his advice. I truly believed he loved me and we were going to build a life together. I listened to every word he said as if it were a decree from God himself. He told me over and over again how lucky we were to have each other so we could stay closeted and still have a fulfilling sex life in the military. He’d served before and during Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, so he was adamant about keeping closeted for the sake of both our careers. So I overlooked some of his questionable behavior and the things he wanted from me. I just thought it was a normal part of relationships.”
“I don’t understand,” I admitted. He glanced at me, and I flinched at the pain I saw in his eyes.
