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I choked on the sip I'd just taken. "Huh?"
"On being right. She did what you expected, right?"
I grunted. "I thought I could trust her. She kept something from me she should have told me. Sh
e chose her career over me."
"Maybe. She's not perfect. Newsflash, no one is. If I know you, and I think I do, you're looking for any excuse to end this before she hurts you."
I quickly stood. "Newsflash," I repeated, anger darkening my tone. "It's too late for that. In case you missed what I said, she ended it first when she hurt me. She lied to me."
"Not really."
"A lie of omission is still a lie."
"Fair enough. But if the situation was reversed? Oh, wait. It is. You haven't been honest with her about everything either, have you? Not to mention you've already pushed her away, but for some reason, she forgave you and gave you another chance. Relationships aren't about how perfect each other is. It's about how you work through the hurt and forgive someone, because I don't care who it is in a relationship, someone always hurts the other at some point. Besides, did she really hurt you? Or is this just your way of ending it so you can blame her instead of you being the bad guy when you want out?"
"Wow. That's quite the lecture, coming from someone who doesn’t even have a girlfriend.” He looked away from me. He didn’t deserve me shoving his problems in his face when he was trying to be a good friend. I drew a deep breath and tried for a different tone. “You don't know what you're saying. I tried for more with her. I never thought she'd betray me."
He lifted an eyebrow. "Didn't you?"
I rested my elbows on my knees. The word 'no' died on my lips as I gave some thought to what he said.
"Don't get me wrong. Maybe she should have said something to you. But at the same time, she didn't betray you."
"Didn't she?" I said, twisting his words back at him. "I wanted her to put me first, to choose me. Is it too much to ask for her loyalty?"
"Did she take her knowledge of what you want and turn it over to them to use against you?"
"I don't know. I don't think so."
"Yet you want her to betray something her work has revolved around for weeks, a cause she's dedicated to and believes in and allow you to destroy it? Basically, you're asking her to do the very thing you're accusing her of doing, only it's okay if it works in reverse. Instead, she decided to step back and let those involved work it out. She butted out, rather than using one side against the other or using you to get what she wants."
"I..." I had no words. I hadn't considered it that way. But it didn't erase my anger.
"You've been waiting for her to mess up. In the meantime, you've put her up on such a pedestal, that when she fell, she had farther to fall so you'd feel justified in detaching yourself from her."
His words stung. And when did this become about me? Grace is the one who created this situation by not being honest in the first place. Wasn't she? Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was a dawning of how bad I'd screwed up. I felt petty and hostile. "I don't need the hassle of a permanent relationship anyway."
Noah snorted. "Yeah, okay. I believed that shit in the past because you weren't with anyone who I could see you settling down with. But Grace? She was different. You were different with her. Better."
I slammed my feet down. "Well, maybe that's the problem. I don't like who I am with her." I strode to the railing and leaned on it, gazing out over the green pastures and paddocks. Now I was lying to myself. And of course, Noah knew it.
"And what's that? Someone who can love someone other than himself?"
I rounded on Noah. "What the fuck does that mean?" I was breathing hard, almost looking for an excuse to hit him, even if he was my best friend. Those were fighting words. It was too close to what Gene had said, and I didn’t want either of them to be right.
"It means, you're in love with her, yet you're up here running scared."
"I'm not in love with her."
"Oh, don't give me that shit, Jax. Your brain might be telling you you're not in love, but your heart knows better, and there's not a damn thing your head can do about it except maybe do something stupid. Like pushing her away. Like sitting here and denying your real feelings."
"Fine. Let's say I do love her. I'm too fucked up to have a future with someone. She deserves better than that. I've told her that countless times."
"You're right. She does."
What the actual fuck? I turned my back on him. It was hypocritical, but that wasn't what I expected him to say.
