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I fell back into the chair. My stomach churned. I’d lived with nightmares and guilt for so many years; I’d always hoped they did, too. Now that I knew they had, I found it didn’t make me feel any better. Not worse, but not better either.
“So that’s why you’re trying to establish the teen center, complete with counseling. Because she was an addict.”
Gene nodded. “That, and because she’d been through so much as a child as well. I learned a lot during our time out west. If I can help even just one kid, keep one teen and their parent from experiencing what she did, what you did, it’s a start. I know it sounds cliché. It doesn’t make it any less true. You and Mallory—you’re my motivation.”
I snorted. “Still using me, huh?”
“Not you, but our shared memory.” He blew out a long breath. “Jaxson, you can believe me or not, but I never meant to hurt you—then or now. I can’t change what happened. But I’m hoping I can influence your future when I tell you—"
I stood and took a step toward him. “Oh, you’ve already influenced my future more than enough, thank you. Do you know how many times as a young boy I thought about hurting myself? How many nightmares I have so I can’t sleep? How much guilt my mother has had to live with and how much she sacrificed because of what happened? How I can’t even tell Grace that I love her because that word was used as a weapon over and over?”
He hung his head, looking like the broken man I wanted him to be. Feeling hardened, I crossed my arms. Why should I be the only one who suffered over the years?
“I guess I don’t blame you for still being angry. I’d just hoped we could talk, man to man. I can stand here and tell you I’m sorry until I’m blue in the face, and I know it will never be enough. I’m not here to make excuses. I’m sorry our paths crossed again. It was never my intention. I don’t want to take more from you than has already been taken.”
I snorted. “And yet, I seem to be on the losing end once again. I got the building, but I lost the girl.”
“Losing the girl is on you, not me.”
He had balls. “How do you figure? If you had just stayed out west, our paths would have never crossed. We’d have never been in competition, and Grace would have never chosen you over me. So here we are. We’re even. My mother chose me. Grace chose you.”
Gene shook his head. “Is that how you really see it?”
“It’s the way it is.”
"Don’t be such a fool.” I was caught off guard by the anger in his voice. “Grace loves you. She's devastated at having hurt you. I won't stand here and pretend to understand all you've been through, how you overcame it, the battles you must still fight, but if you'll allow any fatherly advice, hear this. If you say the past shaped your life, warped it in some way, I beg you to consider how knowing Grace has shaped it. Has she tried to mold you like a piece of clay into what she wants, or has she been the iron to your steel, giving you strength to be the fine man you are? A woman, the right woman, will be that for you. I don't know if that's Grace or not, but I suspect she is. And trust me, that's not easy to find."
His words hit me hard, but fuck if I wanted him to know it. "I know you and Grace are close, but that doesn't change that she chose her cause over me."
Disappointment flicked across his face. I shouldn't care, but I found myself responding to it.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Jax. Most of all, I'm sorry the past made it so you can't think of anyone but yourself. If you choose to let the past keep influencing you, so be it. But this time, you can only blame yourself.”
Stunned into silence, I could only watch as he turned on his heel and left the building.
37
Jax
"So why are you here instead of with your beautiful girlfriend?" Noah asked, handing me a glass with a generous amount of Scotch.
I swallowed the amber liquid, relishing its burn and the numbing effect it would have if I drank enough. I sat with my arms on my knees. "Can't a guy just want to get away from the rat race for a while and spend some time with his friend?"
Noah lifted his bottle to his lips but paused before he spoke. "Are you saying your girl is a rat?" He took a long sip while he surveyed me over his glass.
I stared at the ground and shrugged. "More like I'm not sure she's my girl anymore," I mumbled.
Noah's legs fell from their perch. "What did you do?"
"Why do you assume it's me?"
"Because she's prettier and smarter than you. Plus, you're the one who usually ends things."
"Well, this time you're wrong." I finished my glass in two more swallows and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "She lied to me and made me look like a fool. And of all people she was working with, it had to be Gene." His eyebrows raised. "Yeah, you didn't see that coming, did you? I sure as fuck didn't."
"What happened?" He replenished my glass while he listened without interrupting.
"Wow. That does fucking suck." He walked to the edge of the porch and leaned against a pillar. He crossed his arms and faced me. "Well, congratulations, I guess."
