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I clasped her hands. "I don't want to hurt her, either. I'm afraid I will. I don't know how to do this."
To my surprise, tears whelmed up in her eyes. "Yes," she whispered, clutching my face harder. "Yes, you do. We both know you don't let many people in, but when you do, you are incredibly loyal and generous. You love hard, Jaxson, and you love deeply, even putting your own needs aside."
"If it doesn't work out, it could get awkward. We have mutual friends. And family."
"Is it Grace Hart?"
See? Smart.
"Yeah."
Mom smiled. "I thought it might be. Aunt Julie and I noticed you each giving the other some sideways glances at Maggie and Derek's wedding. Julie told me later that Anne had noticed it, too. I can't think of a better family than them, Jax. Those girls have been raised to be strong and independent, but they're kind and sweet. We were hoping you two might spend some time together."
"You know, you weren't as subtle at Anne's house as you thought you were."
She laughed. "Seems you didn't need us after all."
I pulled my mom in for a hug, amazed at how much wisdom she had. "I love you, Mom."
She pulled back. Eyes that were an older version of mine grew soft with emotion. "I love you, too, sweetheart. For what it's worth, yes, I would have married your dad even knowing our time would be limited, knowing how much pain there would be when he was taken from me, from us. Because that pain meant the love in our relationship was true. And I'd rather live with that pain than the emptiness of never having had his love at all. He was a great man, and any time I had with him was a blessing. I want the same for you."
She must have seen the doubt in my expression. "You can have it, Jaxson." Her hands rubbed my upper arms. "Think about this. You like to work out. Why?"
"To keep in shape. To stay strong and fit."
"Exactly. When you work out, you're tearing down the muscle and rebuilding it to get stronger. The heart is a muscle, too. Letting your heart love will keep it growing and gaining strength in ways you can't imagine. Even broken hearts heal and gain strength. But unexercised hearts never have the chance to grow and be made stronger."
Her analogy made sense and struck a chord with me that I think I'd been searching for without knowing it. But...
"What about when you met Gene?" I struggled to keep my face neutral.
She sighed and sat back down at the table. I did the same, watching her carefully on the delicate subject. "That's a more complex answer. Over the years, I've thought a lot about that, struggled with my own guilt for bringing him into our lives."
I gripped her hand across the table. "No, Mom, it wasn't you."
She held tight to my hand. "The truth is, while I regret what happened"—she squeezed my hand when I started to interrupt—"the falling in love again, the taking a chance, yes, it was part of that growth I spoke about. It was freeing to know I was capable of those feelings again. But the pain that it brought you, well, I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself of that."
I shook my head. "You shouldn't feel guilty, Mom. There's only one, maybe two, people who should feel guilty about what happened. It wasn't your fault, any more than it was mine." My eyes burned at the emotions that bubbled to the surface. It had been a long time since my mom and I had talked about her second marriage—and the reason for its failure. "But there's someone who I think would like you to take a chance yet again."
Her forehead wrinkled in bemusement. "Who?"
"John. He told me he asked you out to dinner. I'm pretty sure he did it for reasons other than just to catch up."
Her cheeks flushed. "Oh."
"You have to promise me you'll be open to your feelings without worrying about me. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a little boy anymore. I like John. He's a good man, and I respect that he informed me he was taking you to dinner since my mother didn't." I added my last point with a firm stare.
"I wasn't sure if it might be more than dinner between friends, but I do like him. We’ve been out a couple of times," she said shyly. "And you're wrong. You might be a grown man, but you'll always be my boy, and I'll always worry about you." She grinned. "Although I might worry less if you had a good woman who treated you the way you deserve, not like those slut puppies I know you hang out with. I hear from Ellie what kind of women slink their way into your office."
"Mom! Really?"
"What? What are they calling them these days? Skanks? I think that's what Ellie called them."
I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I really need to fire Ellie," I mumbled.
My mom laughed.
Later as I left her house, the conversation replayed itself over and over in my mind. For much of my life, I'd fought to control my feelings, fought for control in all things. I thought it was my only way to find happiness. And for a while, it had been. All this time I structured my life like my business, minimizing liabilities and potential losses. Now I wondered if I had more to gain by yielding. It had taken the gentle strength of Grace to make me want to take the risk.
