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"Why do you think something's wrong?"
She frowned and raised an eyebrow. "Mother's intuition, fueled by you showing up unannounced, on a Saturday, no less." She reached out and wiggled my cheek. Besides," she crooned teasingly, "this handsome mug looks more serious than usual, and that's saying something."
I jerked my head away and swatted at her hand, but she had managed to draw a smile from me with her playful gesture.
I made a pile of crumbs out of the cookie in front of me while I thought about what to say. Between Grace and Noah, I felt like I'd been through the ringer of advice and psychoanalysis. And while I wanted to call 'foul' on what they had to s
ay, deep down I knew there were kernels of truth to their thoughts. Big, fat kernels that were popping all around me in the heat of reality.
"Do you ever regret marrying Dad?"
Her glass paused halfway to her mouth. "Wow," she said, putting the glass down without drinking. "That came out of nowhere." Her eyes honed in on me. "Or did it?"
I pushed harder. "I mean, if you knew you'd only have a short time together would you have done it anyway?"
Mom drew a circle through the drops of condensation on the table the pitcher had left. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head as she pondered my question. Finally, she looked up at me. "What is this really about, Jax?"
I should have known she wouldn't give me a direct answer. Throughout my life, she'd ask questions, helping me see through all possible sides, but rarely did she tell me what to do or give me a straight answer if she thought I needed to resolve something on my own.
Blowing out a breath, I mumbled, "I met someone. A woman I like. A lot."
Shit. Could I sound any more like a teenager?
I could see the interest and a hundred questions light up her face, but she was smart enough to reign them in. "That's wonderful, Jax. What does this have to do with your dad?"
It was a legitimate question, and hearing it out loud made me question it, too. "I don't know," I mumbled. "It was something stupid Noah said to me recently."
She nodded, but didn't comment, waiting patiently for me to continue.
"Noah thinks I don't have normal relationships with women because I'm afraid it will end badly, and I don't want to get hurt. He thinks I deliberately date women who I know I won't get attached to."
God, even to my ears it sounded pathetic. Why had I started this conversation? I stood up and took my plate and glass to the sink.
"You know, never mind. I shouldn't have brought it up. It's stupid."
Mom wasn't disturbed by my peevish tone. "No, I don't think it is. Do you think he might be right?"
I leaned against the sink and crossed my arms. "Maybe," I admitted. "And it's no secret I don't trust easily after everything that happened." Even years later, bringing up this topic made me want to come out of my skin.
She nodded. "And now you've found someone who makes you want more than short-term?"
Did I mention my mom was smart? I shrugged. "Maybe? She's warm and generous and makes me laugh. She's not afraid to call me on my bullshit." My mom smiled at that; she knew I wasn't the easiest to get along with. "She's the real thing, not just some fling. But I'm not sure I can honestly try anything serious, and that's what she wants. What she deserves."
"I see." She leaned back in her chair. "Jax, let me ask you a question. Is it her you don't trust? Or is it yourself?"
Her question momentarily stumped me. "I..."
"You're used to making decisions on a daily basis. What's different about this? Why do you hesitate?"
"It's not the same. I have all of the control in my business decisions, and I never go into a venture if I don't think I can win and come out ahead."
Mom raised an eyebrow at me.
Well damn. Once again, my mom guided me to an 'aha' moment. The win-loss ratio in a relationship couldn't be determined ahead of time. Relationships were about yielding control, at least some of it. To let Grace, or anyone, into my life meant letting them have an investment in it. In business terms, it was like a profit or loss; she could either be good for me or hurt me. And that was a risk I'd have to take if I wanted to keep Grace on more than just the periphery of my life.
So will she, dumbass. And she's the one who would be taking a bigger chance on you. If she'd even give you another chance after you were such an ass to her!
As if she could read my mind, my mom stood and walked to me. She clasped my face in her hands. "You have to ask yourself which is the greater loss—having her or not having her? You've closed yourself off to so many people, Jaxson. I understand why, but for what it's worth, I think you're giving your past way too much control over your future. You deserve to be happy, Son. If you've found someone who helps you get there, don't you owe it to yourself to give it a try?"
