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I bowed my head. "We were going to tell everyone after we came home from the honeymoon. But afterward, I was such a mess. I couldn't live with the truth that I lost two people that day. And then Carol announced she was pregnant. It was the first time people began to smile, and I couldn't take that away from all of you, so I didn't say anything. Children should be celebrated, and I couldn't celebrate mine. Maybe that was selfish, I don't know. I wasn't in a good place back then, and later it just seemed too late." I tried to wipe away the tear that started to drip from my eye before my dad could see.
"It's okay, Son. Let it out. You've kept too much bottled up inside for too long." The catch in his voice was all it took to release the dam that had been building all day. My dad knelt in front of me and pulled me into a hug and held me as my guilt, grief, and secret flowed out.
When I finally felt I could compose myself, I stood. My father rose with me, his own eyes damp. "Talk to me, Holten."
Restless, I paced the floor before finally moving to stand in front of the window where my father had stood moments earlier. A sudden exhaustion gripped me, and I leaned against the wall, resting the side of my head on the window frame. I stared out the panes without really seeing.
"Claire didn't like taking birth control pills. She tried. I guess it's rare, but she always complained it made her feel bad, especially around, well, you know..." Even as a grown man, it wasn't easy to talk about sex and women's cycles, even with my dad.
"So," I continued, "she was going to try another form, but you know how busy she was. So I always kept it covered, you know? Until she had time to go to the doctor. But you know how they say it only takes one time? It's true. I didn't protect her one night, and she got pregnant."
I turned around to face my dad who still hadn't said a word, just listened. I half expected to see some form of anger or judgment on his face for my carelessness, but there was nothing but sympathy and understanding.
"I remember the night I went to her apartment. It was a holiday weekend, Labor Day I think, so we all had a seventy-two-hour liberty. We were going to finish up some plans for the wedding. She was so pale when I opened the door, I knew something was wrong. That's when she told me she was pregnant. She was scared it was too soon, scared I'd be mad at her, and terrified she'd have to do it alone because my unit was going to be mobilized.
"I was shocked, but I wasn't angry. And as we sat there and talked about becoming parents, we grew more and more excited. We knew we wanted a family, it was just going to happen earlier than we planned. The wedding was only a month and a half away, so we decided not to tell anyone until afterward. A couple of weeks later I took some leave and we went to the doctor for her first ultrasound. And there on the screen was my child, his or her heart beating away. I didn't know how fast a baby's heart could beat, Dad, but there it was, with tiny little arms and legs. We came home and held each other and the picture of our child. We were so happy, but she was still so scared. I promised her everything'd be fine, and I'd always take care of them. And I knew if I did deploy, you guys would be there for her as well as her family."
I slid to the floor and held my head. "I promised her, Dad. I promised everything would be okay, but it wasn't."
My dad squatted on the floor in front of me. "No, it wasn't, Holt, but that wasn't your fault."
"Yes, it was, Dad." I raised my tear-filled eyes and saw my pain reflected in his face. "It turns out she had a heart condition. That's what killed her. The pregnancy was too much for her body. And she was only pregnant because I didn't protect her from it. I killed her, and I killed my unborn child."
"No, Holt. I won't let you go there. She died from an undiagnosed heart condition."
"Right, but the pregnancy added to the complication, and the pregnancy happened because of my carelessness," I repeated.
"It was a tragedy, Holt, but it's no more your fault than Claire's. There is no blame in this. Neither of you had any idea about her health issue."
"But maybe if..."
"Holt, I'm not going to let you do this. It was no one's fault. If you had known, I've no doubt you would have done everything you could to protect them both. But that leads me back to my first point. You can't change anything. Claire doesn't need protecting anymore. Your child doesn't need protecting anymore. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Real flesh and blood, that's what needs you. And Holt, I sense that girl out there needs you. You're trying so hard to protect a memory that you're going to end up hurting her, and that's not fair to her or you. You were blessed with the love of a wonderful woman once. Be grateful, but don't be regretful and think you need to punish yourself. You dishonor Claire when you do." He tipped his head toward the window. “And that little gal out there? She’s gotten to you. She wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t, and you and I both know that.”
I sat still, listening to his wisdom and amazed by his insight. I’d already hurt her, but I didn’t confess that.
"You think I don't know what you do, Son?” he continued quietly. “You use women to relieve a physical need but don't allow any of them close enough to relieve your real pain, your fear of loving and maybe losing again. Maybe that's because the right woman has never come along to create the kind of turmoil I see in your eyes. I think we both know that Maddy means more to you than you want to admit, all because of some unnecessary guilt you carry.”
He nodded toward the window. “I can’t put my finger on it, but she’s got some pain of her own, so I suspect she'll understand yours. You just have to give her a chance. And if you can't do that, don't string her along. She deserves someone who will protect her heart while it’s still beating. And you deserve a woman who looks at you the way she does."
He clapped me on the back. "I love you, Holt. I think you should share the whole story with your family, and then with her; I think sharing it will help you."
"Maybe," I answered.
"Let us mourn with you, Son. I won't lie. It hurts knowing I would have had another grandchild. But worse, it's killing me that you thought you had to keep that secret to spare us. That wasn't a grief you should have ever tried to carry by yourself. Let us in. We don't need you to protect us, but maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there who needs you as much as you need her."
I nodded. My dad's words made me think of everything in a different light.
"Can I have a few minutes?" I asked him.
He squeezed my shoulder one more time before closing the door on his way out, allowing me the time to compose myself. I looked out the window again. Maddy was lying on the ground with the kids all tugging on her arms trying to pull her up. I could tell by the way she'd allow them to lift her part way up that she was pretending to be too tired. Although as hard as I knew those kids could play, maybe she wasn't pretending. I chuckled as she suddenly pulled little Andrew under her. I saw him laughing and squirming as she tickled him until the twins piled on top of her trying to tickle her.
She seemed like such a natural fit in my family. Everyone enjoyed her company. I found myself looking forward to going home at the end of the day instead of finding reasons to stay at work. She'd already changed my life. Could I let her change it further? For the first time, I started to think not only could I, but I longed for her to try. I just needed to convince her.
But first things first.
I had to hurt my family one more time.
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