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“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked as I let my hand settle on his throat.
“That I was gay or that I had feelings for you?”
“Both,” I whispered. “I…I thought you were straight. You had a girlfriend.”
“Who? Ally?” Tristan asked. His hand came up to close over my wrist, but he didn’t try to move my hand. “She was just a friend. My best friend.”
“I saw you kissing.”
Tristan frowned. “When?”
“That weekend we celebrated your sixteenth birthday. You guys were out on the dock at your dads’ house.”
“That was a dare,” Tristan said, his voice carrying all the disbelief I was feeling.
“What?” I asked stupidly.
“A dare. Ally thought I should kiss her to make sure I wasn’t bi.”
“What?” I repeated with a hoarse laugh.
Tristan chuckled. “I knew I wasn’t, but she’d been stuck on the idea for a while so I did it just to prove to her I wasn’t.”
“Did she believe you after that?”
Tristan nodded.
“But every time I came home, you guys were together.”
Tristan sobered. “Just friends, Brennan.”
I wanted to laugh and cry. I hadn’t pursued anything with Tristan because of that one damn kiss. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Tristan lowered his eyes. “I was an awkward, nerdy sixteen-year-old kid when I figured out the feelings I had for you weren’t platonic, Brennan. You were this sophisticated college student with a boyfriend and a great future. What did I have to offer someone like you?” He paused for a moment and then said, “I’m HIV-positive. That’s never going to change. I’ll pose a risk to any man I’m ever with. And that doesn’t even begin to cover what might happen when I start to get sick.”
“If,” I cut in. “If you get sick.”
“It’s going to happen,” Tristan said as he lifted his eyes which were wet with moisture. “My viral load’s changed. It’s not undetectable anymore.”
I stiffened at that which caused Tristan to try and pull away from me. “Don’t,” I said as I tightened my hold on him. I dragged him forward and wrapped my arms around him. “Whatever happens, it happens to both of us, Tristan. I’m not letting you go ever again. We’re going to figure all this out together.”
I was glad when Tristan wrapped his arms around me and as I shifted to my back, he stayed with me and pressed his head against my chest. I wondered if he could hear my heart beating like crazy beneath his ear. I stroked my fingers through his hair as he trailed his hand up and down my side.
“What about Memphis?” Tristan finally asked.
I didn’t have a good answer for him even though I’d been asking myself the same question over and over. Memphis had told us to get some rest when we’d gotten back to his hotel room, but he hadn’t joined us in bed. I suspected he was doing what he often did when he couldn’t bring himself to stay in bed with me. If he wasn’t on his laptop, he was likely watching whatever video was on his phone that seemed to cause him pain more than anything else. He’d eventually fall asleep on the living room couch, but I doubted he ever slept for more than a couple of hours at a time.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I meant what I said to you about him.”
“You love him,” Tristan murmured.
“I do,” I admitted. “But God Tristan, I love you too. I’ve loved you for what feels like a lifetime.”
I would have expected the admission to incite some kind of reaction in Tristan, but all he did was still his hand on my side for a few seconds before resuming the delicious caress.
“I love you too, Brennan.”
There was little joy in his voice and I suspected it was for the same reasons I wasn’t going crazy with excitement at knowing he was finally mine.
Because it just wasn’t enough anymore. At least not for me. Maybe for Tristan it was less about any growing feelings he had for Memphis and more about knowing his admission meant I would have to choose between him and the other man who held an equal part of my heart.
“Brennan,” Tristan said softly after several minutes.
“Yeah?”
“I think he needs you more.”
I stiffened at the comment and tried to ignore the sharp stabbing pain in my chest. I didn’t want this, damn it. I didn’t want to choose and I sure as hell didn’t want Tristan to do it for me.
“When things settle down, I’ll move back in with my dads,” Tristan murmured.
“No,” I said and I shifted us so that we were once again on our sides because I needed to see his face. “Please, Tristan, I’ll figure this out – just give me some time.”
“Brennan-”
“Fuck, please,” I begged unashamedly and then I kissed him hard.
This couldn’t be happening! I hadn’t finally gotten everything I’d wanted only to lose it just as quickly.
