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With Cain, I knew in my gut that every time he spoke to me, every time he touched me, it was him. Really him. Time wouldn’t change that. The man I was already starting to fall for was the man I’d be completely in love with next week, next month, next year. I’d never been more certain of anything in my life.
But as badly as I wanted to give myself permission to feel that for him, I knew I couldn’t. Because if I felt it, I’d tell him. And I knew he was in no position to hear it. The psychological damage his father’s brutal attack had done to him stood between us like a brick wall. I could reach Cain through the tiny cracks, but it would take much, much longer to knock the whole thing down.
Was I up to the task?
Absolutely.
If he would let me.
“I’ll stop in here and grab us some snacks,” I heard Cain say and I jerked myself from my thoughts enough to see him pointing at a small grocery store.
“Okay,” I said as he parked the car.
“I’ll be able to see the car from the windows,” he said as he nodded at the building. “Lock the doors. If you see anything suspicious, you take the keys and go,” he ordered softly. “Drive back to Vincent’s and I’ll meet you there.”
I nodded. I knew he’d rather have me with him, but it was too dangerous. Someone could recognize my face. “I’ll be fine,” I said when he hesitated.
He nodded crisply and then he leaned over and kissed me, not caring who saw us. “Lock this,” he reminded me and as soon as he closed the door, I locked the car.
The man was a complete and total enigma.
He’d been betrayed in the cruelest of ways and by the two people he should have been able to trust above all others, yet he’d still managed to come out on the side where he was giving to others what had been denied to him.
I shook my head and laughed, though there was nothing funny about the situation. I was kidding myself to think I wasn’t already in love with the man. My heart didn’t give a shit that my brain was saying there was no way it was possible, that I hadn’t known him long enough…that I didn’t know enough about him to harbor such intense feelings. But I was tired of trying to pretend to feel something I didn’t. I’d spent too many months, years even, doing that very same thing with Eric. Trying to convince myself I’d loved the man, even though in my heart I’d known I hadn’t.
But with Cain it was the real deal. It was what my mother had said being in love was like when I’d asked her about it when I was fourteen and had developed my first crush on a boy in my class.
It’s like someone handing you the final piece of a puzzle you’ve been trying to finish for years. The picture still makes sense without that last piece, but you still know something’s missing. And then you get that final, perfect piece and you realize ‘making sense’ never would have been enough.
Cain was my last puzzle piece. I’d thought I’d be able to just jam some guy in there who might fit “close enough,” but no, all that had done was damage the entire puzzle.
I forced myself to focus on my surroundings, but more so because thinking about all this was just making me more tense. Cain would need to be the one to set the pace. He’d already hinted that he wasn’t ready for more physical contact between us and I would respect that. Since I now knew his reservations probably had nothing to do with exploring his sexuality and everything to do with the trust that would be required to be with me in that way, I was more than willing to wait for as long as it took for him to be comfortable exploring that side of our relationship.
If that was even what we had.
Hell, if he decided he’d never be ready to give me that much of himself, I’d find a way to live with that. He was worth it.
Problem was, I wasn’t sure I was. Not with my entire future up in the air.
At Cain’s approach, I disengaged the locks on the car. He had just one plastic bag with him and he handed it to me when he got in the car. I glanced inside to see a few pieces of fruit, some bottles of water and soda and several snack-sized bags of potato chips.
I smiled at that and cast him a glance. He winked at me.
Actually winked.
And it was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.
“Trying to fatten me up, are you?” I asked as I pushed the chips aside to see what was at the bottom of the bag.
