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He didn’t respond and I realized a moment later why he hadn’t.
Because he’d been waiting for me to reach the bottom of the bag.
Where there was a box of condoms and a bottle of lube.
Heat flooded my cheeks as I turned to look at him. He brushed his mouth over mine and said, “I was hoping we could try some stuff out over the next few days and if it goes well, when you’re healed, maybe we can…if you’re ready, I mean…”
His voice dropped off as his mouth fitted over mine. I was breathing heavy by the time he pulled back.
“Is that okay?” he asked, his voice carrying a hint of worry.
I nodded because I was still too surprised to do much else. “It’s more than okay,” I said. The idea of making love to Cain didn’t frighten me in the least because to be frightened, I’d have had to compare him to Eric and that wasn’t even remotely possible. I’d been lucky enough to test negative for everything after Ronan had run my blood and urine samples under his own name at his hospital, so that was one less thing to worry about. And I knew the damage Eric had caused during the rape had healed as well. I knew there was a possibility I could panic at some point during the actual act, but I knew Cain would work through it with me, just like I would work through any residual trauma he might face with me.
“Good,” he said softly and then he kissed me again before he got the car moving.
“And, Cain,” I said just before he pulled onto the main road.
“Yeah?”
“I’m all healed…and I’m very, very ready.”
* * *
For someone as big and strong as Cain, it was hard to watch him struggle like he was.
We’d arrived at the hotel several hours earlier. It was a really nice place and just as Vincent had suspected, it was pretty much deserted. Cain still hadn’t been willing to risk having someone recognize me, but that hadn’t meant we couldn’t have room service delivered in place of eating at the hotel restaurant. We’d ended up ordering an early dinner and watching a movie on one of the premium channels, though I’d fallen asleep about halfway through it. Not because the movie had been boring, but because I just couldn’t have gotten any more relaxed than I’d been…with my head resting on Cain’s chest as his fingers had trailed up and down my spine, causing little shivers of delight to spread throughout my entire body. He’d woken me up with little kisses and asked if I wanted to order any more food from room service before going to bed, but I’d declined.
I’d suggested a shower together before going to sleep in the single, very large, king-sized bed covered in thick pillows and luxurious bedding. Cain had agreed, but as I’d watched him pause as he’d started to remove his shirt, I’d fallen silent to see what he would do.
He’d been sitting on the edge of the bed for several minutes now, his back to me. I’d leaned back against the headboard when I’d realized he was struggling, but now I moved forward so I was sitting off to his side. I made sure not to touch him as I said, “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to mess this up,” he admitted.
“How do you think you’re going to mess this up?” I asked.
He just shook his head.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” I offered.
“I want to,” he said quickly. “I just don’t want to do to you what I did to the others.”
“You mean the girl when you were sixteen?” I asked, thinking he was referring to the girl who’d tried to kiss him.
“That…but the escorts too,” he said softly, the shame in his voice clear as day. “I know they weren’t expecting me to act like I was their boyfriend or something, but the way I treated them…like they were just bodies.”
My heart hurt for him, but as badly as I wanted to touch him, I didn’t. I moved so I was sitting next to him rather than off to his side.
“I know you didn’t see them that way.”
When he didn’t respond, I finally took a chance and touched him, just enough so I could turn his face to look at me. “And I know you don’t see me that way either…you’re just not wired that way. I really just want to be with you, Cain. Even if that means I can’t touch you with my hands…I’ll find other ways to touch you…to show you how much you mean to me.”
I risked taking his hand in mine. “Come take that shower with me,” I urged.
His fingers gripped mine hard as he nodded and then he was following me into the bathroom. I got the water in the shower going and then turned to face him. I slowly removed my shirt and then waited for him to do the same. My socks were next. He mirrored my every move, never taking his eyes off mine. I didn’t even scan his body like I wanted to because I didn’t want to risk losing the tremulous connection I had with him. I took his hand in mine and led him into the shower stall so that I was facing the spray of the shower and he was at my back. Since I couldn’t see him anymore with him behind me, I watched our reflection in the mirror which I could see through the glass shower door.
