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“Cain?” Ronan said quietly. I could hear rustling and suspected he was getting out of bed so he wouldn’t wake his husband up. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, though it wasn’t the whole truth. Yes, things were fine in that Ethan was still safe which was what Ronan had been asking. But no, things were not even close to fine otherwise.
Why had I done this? Why had I made this call? Why hadn’t I just stayed in bed with Ethan wrapped in my arms and told myself I was overthinking things as usual? Sleep would have claimed me eventually. But instead I was sitting on the closed toilet in the bathroom on the phone with a man who needed to be able to count on me to be a ruthless killer, not a simpering, agitated mess of a man who’d just had one of the most incredible…and confusing encounters of his entire life.
“What’s going on, Cain?” Ronan asked, his voice gentle…and knowing.
“You knew,” I said. “You said he’d touch me in other ways.” I hated that my voice almost sounded accusatory.
Ronan let out a soft sigh and then I heard what sounded like a chair scraping along the floor.
“I’d tell you not to fight it, but my guess is you will anyway.”
“I have nothing to offer him, Ronan. I’m so fucked up in the head…”
“That’s not true and you know it,” he countered. “You’ve been protecting yourself for a lot of years, Cain. It’s normal not to be able to let someone else in…to be able to trust them to keep you safe.”
“It’s not that,” I admitted. “I trust him. I…I know I can get past this shit with him. But what happens after that?”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s got a big family…one he wants to be close to again when this is all over. He should have someone who fits into something like that. He’s going to be an uncle soon, for Christ’s sake. Can you really see me in a room full of people with a kid on my lap?”
“Did you ever think you’d see me with a husband and three kids, Cain?” he responded. “Things change…people change.”
“What if I can’t?” I whispered, giving voice to the crux of my fear.
“You need to ask him that. I already know the answer, but it won’t mean jack shit coming from me and we both know that.”
I nodded even though the man couldn’t see me. “Ronan, if he has to go into hiding, I’m going with him.”
“I suspected as much,” the man said. “I spoke to Vincent. He’s not sure about the phone. He’s got a few things he needs to try, but he needed to order some parts. Let’s not make any decisions until he knows for sure it’s DOA.”
“Yeah,” I said. “How’s Lucy?” I asked.
“She’s doing as well as can be expected. She helps Seth with Jamie during the day and hangs out with Willow the rest of the time doing whatever it is girls their age do,” he said with a chuckle.
“Good,” I said. “I should let you go back to sleep,” I murmured.
“Talk to Ethan, Cain. Make decisions together instead of making them for him. Don’t learn the hard way that not letting him have his say will just hurt him more.”
“Okay,” I said, though I wasn’t sure it was something I could do. “Night, Ronan.”
“Night.”
I hung up and flicked off the bathroom light. Ethan was still in the same position I’d left him in, but as soon as I crawled into bed with him, he rolled over and plastered himself against my front. I was glad that I no longer felt the need to check his hands or pull away from him in any way. I had no doubt I could get to a point where physical contact with him wasn’t even a question mark anymore – tonight in the shower had proven that. Even with him in the same position I’d often been in with the escorts I’d hired in the past, the experience had been nothing like those encounters. The mirror had been nice, but I hadn’t needed it to know that Ethan had taken as much pleasure from the act as I had. And I’d loved how he’d clung to me at the end as he’d come in my hand, his body’s release coating my skin for the briefest of moments before being washed away by the water. My own orgasm had been more powerful than I’d ever had with anyone else and I hadn’t even been buried inside Ethan’s amazing body. I’d thought I’d need to take things slow so I wouldn’t inadvertently hurt Ethan by pushing him away, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. Tonight had been proof that he just wanted to be with me, no matter how passive a participant he might have to be. But he hadn’t been passive.
