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A few kisses didn’t give me that right.
Nothing I ever did would give me that right, actually. Friends told each other things like that. Lovers too. Guys whose lives were based on lies didn’t get to expect something like that.
Phoenix and I had talked about unimportant things as we’d played with Henry. And we’d both played with the baby. Phoenix had hunkered down in the sand right next to me and we’d spent nearly two hours building up shapes in the sand for Henry to knock down. Afterwards, Phoenix had taken his shoes off and braved the cold waters of Puget Sound so he could carry Henry out into the gentle surf so he could see the small fish that were swimming around in the shallows.
It had been a perfect day.
One where I’d let myself forget who I was.
If my interaction with Dina hadn’t soured it, walking into my apartment surely would have. My father wasn’t home, but it didn’t matter because I was instantly transported back to this morning when I’d nearly died at the sight of Henry sitting out on that fire escape. I’d never run so hard or so fast in my life. Finding the little boy safe in Phoenix’s strong arms had been my undoing. And then things had gone from bad to worse with my father and his racist taunts.
After closing the window to the fire escape that my father hadn’t bothered to shut even after all the morning’s drama, I quickly went to my room to grab a change of clothes. My mind drifted back to Dina and pain filtered through my chest as I realized I was running out of options. I’d always told myself that Henry would be better off with Dina than in foster care, but I wasn’t so sure that was true anymore. The drugs were a game changer. As was Dina’s dismissal about what had happened this morning.
Henry really was just a paycheck to her.
I briefly wondered if I’d have any legal claim to Henry, but I dismissed the thought. Whoever made those kinds of decisions would take one look at my stint in prison and then ask me what the hell I’d been thinking to even ask the question. And what kind of home could I give Henry? I’d never amount to much. Yeah, I could give him as much love as he’d ever need, but even I knew that wasn’t enough. No, Henry deserved that perfect nuclear family with the white picket fence and the dog in the backyard.
By the time I reached the SUV, I barely acknowledged Phoenix as he opened the door for me.
“What’s wrong, Levi?”
I forced myself to focus on Phoenix and shook my head as I gave him a weak smile. “Just tired,” I said. I could tell he wasn’t sure I was telling the truth, so I changed the subject and said, “Thank you for today.”
He smiled his beautiful smile and then reached out and clasped my fingers with his. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. My belly flip-flopped wildly when he held my hand in his as he pulled the car out into traffic.
I needed to stop pretending that this thing with Phoenix was more than it was, but I was so raw from the prospect of losing Henry that I didn’t care. Maybe I’d pretend for as long as Phoenix would let me. And then when he was gone and Henry was gone, I’d do what I should have done seven years earlier.
Embrace judgment day.
“Stop!” I admonished when Phoenix whipped the end of the twisted hand towel at my ass for the third time in less than five minutes. I was elbow deep in soapy dishwasher and Phoenix was taking full advantage every time he passed behind me to get something from the dishrack or one of the cabinets next to me.
Phoenix chuckled and put his hands up in mock surrender. I smiled and returned to my work. The man had been trying to draw me out of my funk from the moment we’d arrived at the soup kitchen.
And I had to admit, it was working pretty damn well.
I saw Phoenix approaching in my periphery, but this time when he snapped the towel at me, I was ready and grabbed the sprayer and aimed at him. I hit him square in the chest with a spray of water. The look of shock on his face was priceless.
“Oh, it’s on!” he said in a menacing voice. I nailed him again with another spray before he reached me and wrestled for control of the nozzle. Chaos ensued as water sprayed over me, him, the floor and everything else in our immediate vicinity. We were both laughing and breathing hard by the time he called for a truce.
But like the many times I’d found myself in close proximity to the man, things changed quickly and soon his mouth was on mine. I forgot all about the sprayer and dropped it so I could reach my wet, soapy arms around Phoenix’s back. It wasn’t until he turned me so my side was against the countertop that things changed again because my hip hit the lever of the sprayer and water shot up between our bodies like a geyser, soaking us both.
