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"Tiny was just drunk. He forgets his own strength when he’s had too much to drink."
"Tiny?"
I shrugged. “I don't know what his real name is. Real names aren't exactly popular in a place like that," I admitted.
"What name do you use?"
His question was unexpected. Really unexpected. So was the gruffness in his voice. I opened my mouth to lie to him, but the truth came out instead. "Jude," I said.
His fingers were still on my throat, but I wasn't sure if he was aware of it. I most certainly was. His thumb was resting right on my pulse point. If he couldn’t feel my heartbeat yet, he would soon because it felt like it was going to thump right out of my chest.
"Why?" he asked.
I wasn't sure what he was asking me, but I chose to believe it was the name thing. "People pick names that they think reflect who they are. Or who they want to be, I guess," I mused. "Tiny wants to be the bad-ass biker. Angel wants to be every guy’s dream man." I dropped my eyes as I said, "I guess I just…"
Nikolai tipped my head back up.
"You just what?" he asked.
"I guess I just want to be me," I said softly.
Even as the words left my mouth, I wanted to call them back. They would make no sense to him and the last thing I wanted to do was explain. But thankfully, he didn't question me further. In fact, he seemed to finally realize that he was still touching me and that, at some point, he'd moved close enough that there were mere inches separating our bodies.
I felt bereft when Nikolai dropped his hand and stepped back. He tossed the washcloth he'd been using aside and then unwrapped his injured hand and began cleaning the wounds on his knuckles. It felt strange to just stand there and watch him deal with the consequences of my behavior, so I reached for a clean washcloth, got it wet and then closed my fingers around Nikolai's wrist and pulled his hand to me. I dabbed at his injuries with as much care as I could.
"Who was that guy?” Nikolai asked after a moment.
"Tiny?" I asked.
Nikolai nodded.
"Just some guy."
"An ex?" Nikolai prodded.
I found myself chuckling. "Not even close." I didn't add the fact that I didn't have any exes because I’d never been in a relationship before. I sighed and said, "He's just a guy who has trouble understanding the word no."
"If he doesn't hear the word, you need to send your message another way," Nikolai responded. His voice was firm and unwavering.
I nodded because I knew he was right. The fact was that I’d thought I could talk Tiny down. I’d thought that I could make him see that his particular brand of roughness when it came to sex wasn't something for me. I'd made the mistake of fooling around with the man one time. A simple blowjob had turned degrading and ugly and I hadn't allowed things to escalate from there. I had no problem with guys who liked being humiliated or treated like they were nothing but a body to play with, but it wasn't for me and I’d told Tiny I wasn’t interested on more than one occasion.
"Any chance he won’t get the message no matter what you say?" Nikolai asked. I knew what he was thinking because I was starting to wonder about it myself.
"No," I said with a shake of my head. "I don't think he wrote those letters to Cliff. He doesn't know my last name or where I work and even if he did, he wouldn't refer to me with the words from those notes. He wouldn't call me beautiful."
"What would he call you?" Nikolai asked.
I dropped my eyes. How had we gotten to this point in the conversation? Nikolai's fingers skimmed my temple for the briefest of moments. If the man wasn't gay, he sure as hell should be because his touch was magic.
"Slut, cocksucker, stuff like that," I murmured as I went to wash out the washcloth. I turned my attention back to cleaning up Nikolai's hand. Thankfully, Nikolai stopped asking questions. I could feel the heat of humiliation in my cheeks as I considered what he must think of me. It was at that same moment that I turned over his hand and saw a phone number written on his palm. It was slightly smudged but still legible.
Angel.
God, what if Nikolai used it tonight or some other night? What if, at that very moment, he was waiting for me to be in my apartment for the night so he could go hook up with Angel?
Nausea permeated my belly enough to have me stepping back from Nikolai. I looked up and saw that he was watching me with heavy eyes. I could practically hear the pity in his thoughts.
