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Nikolai studied me for so long that it began to make me nervous, but I kept quiet. As much as part of me wanted to see where this whole thing was going, I wouldn't let it cost me the only relationship I had in my life. If he had some notion about me severing my friendship with Cliff or expected me to waste time trying to quell the rumor, he wasn’t the guy I thought he was.
As I lay beneath Nikolai, unsure what his next move would be, I prepared myself for the ultimatum. Or even just his swift departure. I’d definitely given him enough ammunition to use against me.
But despite my insistence that I would respect his decision, I found myself unable to entirely release his arm. The best I could do was loosen my grip on him so he wouldn't feel like I was holding on to him. But there was no departure, no escape. There were no words either. When Nikolai's response came, it stole my breath because he leaned down and sealed his mouth over mine. There was no teasing or softness in the kiss. It was Nikolai taking what he wanted and for whatever reason, what he wanted was me. All the shit I'd thrown at him in the past twenty-four hours and he was still here with me.
He still wanted me.
The real me.
The real Jude who shouldn't have been enough for him but somehow was.
Chapter 23
flipped
How had I gotten so much wrong about the man beneath me?
It was a question that had been on a silent loop in my head for the past several minutes as the complete picture of Jude had emerged. I’d pegged him as a spoiled, entitled, rich asshole whose only concern had been the next deal and all the money to be made from it. But I'd been wrong on every single level.
None of what he had done had been about money. Nothing he did now seemed to be about it, either. In my heart, I knew the deals he worked on weren’t really about turning a profit. They were Jude's way of proving his value. It was his way of saying “Fuck you” to the people who’d thought he would never be anything because of the severe behavioral and learning challenges he’d faced as a child.
I’d been one of the assholes who'd judged him, just in a different way.
I thought back to the day I'd accused him of valuing what was on his computer screen more than his own life. I'd been so angry that the man refused to focus on anything but his work, but it had never occurred to me that he couldn't focus on anything else. From everything he'd told me, the combination of Jude's dyslexia along with whatever level of ADHD he hadn't outgrown meant he likely had to use all of his mental capacity to focus on the things others took for granted, like reading something on a computer screen. The mental preparation alone every time he settled in front of his computer had to be daunting and exhausting. He’d said it himself—he had to work longer and harder than his colleagues to get the same result. Add in the fact that he was so loyal to Cliff and wouldn't have wanted to let the man down, and it made complete and perfect sense why Jude had put all his focus and energy in the deal he'd been working on.
And I hadn’t seen any of it.
My only saving grace was that I'd at least sensed something different about Jude after meeting him in person. I'd been on point enough to notice all the little nuances that didn't quite match the high-powered, take-no-names executive I'd agreed to protect.
I had no clue what I’d done right in my life to deserve what I saw as a second chance with Jude, but I wasn't going to waste it. I knew I had some tough decisions to make, professionally speaking, but being here with Jude now was the easiest decision I’d ever made.
I wanted him.
I wanted him beyond sex.
I wanted him beyond this moment.
I wanted to fall asleep every night with him in my arms and wake up to his soft smile every morning. I wanted to be the lucky recipient of his laughter, and I wanted to make sure he did more of it. I wanted him when he laughed and when he cried. I wanted to share in his successes, joys, frustrations, and sorrows. I wanted every part of him just like I wanted him to have every part of me.
But I knew there were hurdles between us.
Seemingly impossible ones to overcome.
As responsive and willing as Jude was when it came to the physical aspect of our relationship, I knew he still had a lot of walls up between us. He’d been let down by so many people in his past that he wouldn't be able to just take it on faith that my feelings for him were real and that they were forever. I'd sensed that in the past hour as we’d talked. When he’d become emotional as he'd thought about the woman he’d clearly come to love as a mother, he hadn't turned to me for comfort. No, he’d turned inward and he’d used his cars to do it. Instead of letting out all that pain, he’d forced it back down and I’d been completely helpless to do anything for him.
