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He’d never actually said anything against members of the LGBTQ community, but we lived in small-town Wyoming and were in a business where you had to be a man's man. I'd seen too many stories in the news about what happened to men and women like me who dared to go against the grain and stand up for themselves. While I admired their courage and silently rallied for them, I knew it wasn't something I'd ever be able to do.
"Cool," Travis said, his voice sounding strange. "I'll come with you. It's been a while since I've been to the zoo. Hell, I don't think I've ever even been to the zoo."
My mind raced with possibilities. For a brief moment, I found myself actually preferring the idea of going with Travis to the zoo with my kid instead of hooking up with some guy I'd only met for a few minutes in a hardware store. The reality was that the ad probably wouldn't even work. But at least I’d have the weekend to deal with the fallout and somehow get back on track with accepting that this was my life. Even if I wanted to go somewhere else where guys like me were allowed to be who we were, I had a son who I would never leave behind. That made Eden home for the foreseeable future.
"I, uh, think Jolene and Zander wanted to go. Make it like a family thing," I murmured. I realized as soon as I said the words that I’d fucked up because Travis went silent and in my periphery, I saw his entire body tense up. "Travis, that's not what I—" I began to say but he cut me off.
"It's fine," he bit out. "I understand. I'm sure Brandy will want to hang out anyway."
I tried to ignore the jealousy that ripped through me, because it was clear what he meant by hanging out, but the green-eyed monster would not be denied.
It took just a few more minutes to get to the bar, but it may as well have been hours. The second Travis pulled the truck to a stop in the crowded parking lot, he was out of the vehicle and yelling, "Catch you later," over his shoulder.
I watched him saunter into the bar, greeting men and women alike as if he hadn't seen them in years. It was another thing Travis did… he turned the charm to ultra-high to mask everything else he was feeling. He wanted everyone to know he was just a good old country boy looking for a good time.
Only I knew differently.
I'd been attracted to Travis from the day I’d met him and if there’d been any lingering doubt that I was gay, he’d pretty much obliterated it. On the one hand, it had been painful to have to work so hard to hide my feelings from him day in and day out, but on the other, I'd also been able at least partly be myself around him.
I wasn't exactly a social butterfly and would rather spend time with the cattle I took care of than try to navigate a room full of people, but none of that had ever appeared to bother Travis. He’d seemed just as content as me to go fishing or take our horses out for a run rather than hang with the other ranch hands each night. The only exception was our weekly foray to the bar so that Travis could get his physical needs met.
Now as I watched him enter the bar with his arm around a girl who wasn't Brandy, I wondered what it would feel like to have him put his arm around me like that. Or better yet, what sensations I would feel if he were to join his fingers with mine.
It took me a few minutes to work up the courage to walk into the bar myself. People greeted me as I passed, but it wasn't with the enthusiasm that Travis seemed to naturally command. I couldn't help but wonder how many of these very people would turn on me if they knew the truth about who I really was.
I had reason to be afraid because while much of the country was slowly beginning to embrace the LGBTQ community, Eden was still years, maybe even decades behind when it came to accepting people like me.
I myself hadn't even really understood what I was until I’d been well into my late teens. But by then, I'd been convinced that the feelings I had were as unnatural and sinful as my father had always preached from his pulpit. I'd tried praying the gay away many times and maybe I'd even convinced myself that it’d worked for a while, but deep in my heart I'd believed what my father had taught his congregation—that although I was one of God's children, I’d turned my back on Him and His love and had chosen the path of the devil instead. I'd been so afraid of what would happen if the truth were to come out that I'd practically begged Jolene to marry me before we'd even graduated from high school. I’d done my best to be a proper husband to Jolene and a good father to our son, but with the truth chipping away at my very soul, it'd been Jolene who'd suffered.
