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Fuck! “We’ll see about that.” He was pushing her away. If not now, when was the right time to tell her how much she meant to him?
“I’m a free woman, cowboy. I can come and go as I please. Trust me on that one.” She patted the side of her jacket where he knew her gun was hidden underneath.
“You mean to shoot me then, Chicago?” That would be better than to live a single day knowing he’d never confessed his true feelings to her. Feelings? They always got a person in trouble and he was no exception.
Before she could answer, Sawyer walked in through the front door carrying the takeout from Phong’s. The aromas of their various dishes wafted through the air, causing Reed’s stomach to growl.
“Breakfast is served,” Sawyer said, placing the sacks on the table.
Nicole’s dark mood seemed to fade the moment he’d walked in the door. “Thank God. I am starving.”
Reed was, too, but his mind was on other things than his gut. Sawyer, too, was downright sunny around her. The way he looked at her, the way he acted around her, it was quite clear he was completely falling for her, head over heels, in way deep and going deeper.
“Here’s the lady’s sesame chicken.” Sawyer handed Nicole her entrée that was in a familiar Phong’s little white box. Hiro Phong had switched the restaurant’s old plain container to the current one seven years ago. On the top was printed Phong’s address and phone number. On the bottom, it was blank. The sides held the big change that had occurred back during Dragon week that year. Each side had an image of one of the four dragons of Central Park. Patrick O’Leary had been thrilled with the change. “Here’s your kung pao beef, Reed.”
“Thanks.”
“And for me, chicken chow mein. But I got two dishes for us to share. I think you’ll love them, Nicole.”
“What are they?”
With a little fanfare, much like a magician about to pull a rabbit out of his hat, Sawyer opened the last two boxes of food. “Spinach and pork wontons.”
She leaned over, peering in the container. “They look and smell delicious.”
“Wait until you taste them.” Sawyer reached over and touched her on the shoulder. He’d never seen his brother this way around any other woman. “And last but definitely not least, crab rangoon.”
“I’ve never had that before.”
“You’ll love them. They’re bite-size, fried dumplings stuffed with crab. It’s like heaven for your taste buds, sweetheart.”
“Sounds divine.”
Sawyer turned to him with one eyebrow raised. “What’s up with you?”
Sometimes it would’ve been nice to have a brother who couldn’t read him like an open book. “Not a damn thing, if you must know.”
Sawyer frowned. “Liar. You’re usually halfway done with your meal by now.” His brother turned to Nicole. “Is everything okay here?”
Her dark mood clearly snapped back into place. “We’re fine. Let’s eat.”
Sawyer didn’t push it, thank God.
As they all three ate their meal in silence, Reed felt the battle inside him rage. He wasn’t ready to talk about his feelings with his brother or anyone. His emotions were more intense than he’d ever known them to be. His steady, calm control had apparently vacated the premises.
Nicole was a dream, the perfect woman for them except for a couple of things. Sawyer might be able to live a life without BDSM being a part of it, but he couldn’t. Sure, a vanilla tumble now and again was fun but it didn’t speak to him the way having a sub surrender fully to him did. God, he would love seeing that kind of trust in Nicole’s eyes, hearing it on her lips, touching it on her skin. But he’d been in the life since he became an adult. He knew the risks and the rewards. She didn’t. He couldn’t even imagine her agreeing to the type of relationship he needed. Reed could almost see his way clear of ditching the life for a future with Nicole but for the biggest thing that held him back. He was falling for her hard. It would be okay for Sawyer to be in love with her. In an odd way, Reed had always expected his brother to end up that way once they settled on a wife. But he couldn’t be with a woman in a permanent relationship that he cared for beyond fondness.
No way. No how. Never.
But with every bite he swallowed and every glance he stole of Nicole during the meal, Reed felt his ancient vow, the one he’d made shortly after the plane crash, weaken. Still, he could recite the oath he’d written in his journal all those years ago by memory.
Love is destined to fail. It failed me. My parents are gone despite the love they felt for each other. I loved them and it didn’t save them one bit. I will not be a fool and fall victim to it again. I love my brother and sister. That is enough. I will do whatever I can to ensure they stay safe. I will marry a woman with Sawyer, but I will not love her. This I vow until the day I die.
A grieving teen’s way of coping with horrific loss at the time, but now a mantra he’d come to live by. But how could he continue holding fast to that pledge after meeting Nicole? God knew he needed to. Love wasn’t ideal. Sure, it could change a person’s thoughts, feelings, even actions—but it could also crush them into a pile of despair. When Love was good and firing on all cylinders, it felt ecstatic. When the object of someone’s affection was taken away tragically or otherwise, the heartbreak that followed was devastating.
“You’re deep in thought, Reed. That’s not like you,” Sawyer said, pulling him back to the here and now.
“Just enjoying Phong’s best,” he lied.
