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“You’re not in my hair, Caleb.”
I stared out at the ocean and considered his words. I could do the interview and finally tell my story without my mother filling everyone’s head with the perception she wanted them to have of me. Maybe then people would stop referring to me as the runaway Ashford girl because, Jesus Christ, that was an awful title.
But I still couldn’t stop the dark thoughts from creeping into my head. What if, somehow, someway, the psycho from New York found me? There was a chance that could happen. He could be keeping an eye out for any sign of me, waiting for me to pop up online or in a newspaper. Something. I hated to think about it, but he could find me and come back and finish the job he started back in the city.
He won’t, I thought to myself. It’s your paranoia rearing its ugly head. Do you want to live with this fear for the rest of your life? Do you want him to have this much control over you?
The obvious answer was no. I was so tired of suffering through my days filled with anxiety and letting paranoia creep over me and hold me hostage. I was a twenty five year old career driven woman. I worked my ass off to get where I was and I was never the kind of woman who backed off from a challenge. Was I scared? Yes, terrified. But I couldn’t let him- whoever he was- have this much control over my life for the rest of my life. I couldn’t spend all my time hiding in the shadows and praying that it would all work itself out.
I needed to be the change.
I decided what happened next.
This is my life. I’m taking it back.
Which was why, two days later, I was sitting in a booth at the Sundown Seafront Cafe feeling like I was going to puke because I was so nervous. As I sat there while he got his laptop, notebook and recorder out I ran through the questions I knew he was going to ask me. He’d ask about my life in New York and how different things were since I came home. Caleb would, inevitably, ask about the attack, I’d been back in Port James for over a month and it didn’t take long for word to get out about what happened.
“Listen,” Caleb said before we got started. He took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose before blinking a few times and putting them back on. “I didn’t want to do this article but my boss was adamant about getting the scoop on why Abbigail Ashford came home. They were gonna give it to this new guy, Briggs, but he’s a weasel. You’d hate him, everyone does. So, I volunteered. I don’t know, I figured maybe it would be easier for you if there was a familiar face.”
Reaching across the table I squeezed his arm. “Thank you,” I said softly, meaning it. I really appreciated the fact that Caleb wanted me to be comfortable and having him do the interview helped, but this was going to be weird either way. I needed to do it, though. I needed to prove that I could talk about it and hold my ground. Not have a meltdown.
He got set up and we began the interview with the questions light and breezy at first.
“Okay, so for starters, welcome back to Port James. I imagine it’s been an adjustment coming back to a small town after living in a big city for so long.”
Caleb the journalist was very much a professional and I admired that. Smiling, I nodded my head. “Yes, definitely an adjustment. It was quick, though. Honestly, now it feels like I never even left.”
He laughed, typed something on his laptop and then looked up at me again. “Have you gotten back in touch with old friends? Or have you been more family oriented since returning home?”
I took a sip of my latte and pushed Knox’s face out of my mind. “I’d say both. I’m spending plenty of time with my amazing family, who have all been so supportive since I’ve come home.”
It was the diplomatic answer, but more than that it was true. My parents didn’t give me any grief for suddenly coming home and leaving my job in the city. Robbie was kind enough to move me into his home. Sure, we were all currently giving one another the cold shoulder and not exactly on speaking terms. But the Ashford family is a force to be reckoned with and we all knew that.
“And friends?”
“I’ve connected with old friends. It’s been nice. There’s no place like home, you know? Coming back to town after so long felt right. It was the best decision I could have made for myself.”
“Absolutely. But Port James is a small town. Give me the rundown on what it was like to go from small town Mass to the city that never sleeps.”
I gave Caleb a play by play on what it was like to live in New York, how hectic my days were and how my internship really shaped and molded me into the person I was today. Keeping my answers diplomatic was easy as I always steered the conversation towards my family and how I never would have ended up successful without them,
“Your family has been here for generations, correct? Do you see yourself settling down here, or is city life too tempting?”
Well, that was a loaded question. I paused, really trying to think about my answer. If someone asked me that question last year I would have said I was staying in the city. My whole life was in New York, wasn’t it? My career, my apartment, my whole life was back there. But when I thought about it, really thought about it, I realized maybe that wasn’t true. A pretty apartment and a high paying job wasn’t a life. It was just… surviving.
Being in Port James was living. Being surrounded by family and friends and going to sleep at night knowing I was loved, that was living. Being in love with Knox was-
What?
No, that was just- no. No, I wasn’t in love with Knox. Was I? I mean, yeah, I felt a sense of peace when I was with him and he made my heart beat a little faster whenever he touched me. I pictured a life with him and settling down with him and having babies with him but that wasn’t new or anything, I’d been picturing that since I was fifteen. That was our normal, wasn’t it?
But then I thought about it. Really thought about it. Spending the rest of my life in Port James where I would always be just another Ashford and everyone knew my name. There would never be any anonymity like there was in the city. Maybe I’d settle down with Knox and we’d have our dinner on the back deck that overlooked the harbor. Maybe I wouldn’t.
“Abby?” Caleb cocked his head at the side. “Are you okay? You haven’t answered me.”
I shook my head and laughed. “Sorry! Um, I… I don’t have any plans as of right now. I spent so long having every single day planned out. I’m just… living. You know? Taking it day by day and seeing what happens tomorrow. I could settle down here or in Bora Bora. Right now I’m just enjoying the ride.”
Caleb gave me a genuine smile and then nodded his head. “Wise words from Abbigail Ashford. I think we could all stand to take a little advice from the runaway Ashford girl. Thank you for meeting me today and thank you for letting Port James into a little sliver of your life.”
