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“I wasnt going to tell you,” Caro said to both them in a breathy, broken voice.
Ruby stepped toward her, hand outstretched.
“Dont touch me!” Caro said. At the shrill desperation in her voice, she laughed. “Ill fall apart if you touch me, and Im so goddamn sick of falling apart I could scream. ”
Caroline sank slowly to her knees on the floor. Ruby sat down beside her, and Nora followed awkwardly, landing on her fallen crutch.
Caroline took a big gulp of her margarita, then looked up. Her eyes were dry now, but somehow that only made her look more wounded. A little girl looking out through a womans disillusioned eyes, wondering how shed stumbled into such heartache.
“Are you sleeping?” Nora asked.
Caroline looked shocked. “No. ”
“Eating?”
“Medications?”
"No.
Nora nodded. “Well, thats a good thing. ” She heldCarolines hand. “Have you and Jere talked about this?”
Caroline shook her head. “I cant tell him. Were always going in different directions. I feel like a single parent most of the time. And Im lonely. God, Im so damned lonely sometimes I cant stand it. ”
“You havent even talked to him about it?” Ruby said, leaning toward her sister.
Caroline turned to her. “You dont know what its like, Ruby. You can say anything to anyone. Its harder for me. ”
“Yeah, but-”
Nora touched Rubys thigh. “She doesnt need that now, Ruby. Theres a time for the real world and consequences, Caroline knows that. This is a time for letting her know that whatever happens, well always be there for her. ” Nora gazed lovingly at Caroline. “I know what youre going through, believe me. Youre at that place where your own life overwhelms you and you cant see a way to break free. And youre suffocating. ”
Caroline drew in a gulping, hiccuping breath. Her eyes rounded. “How did you know that?”
Nora touched her cheek. “I know” was all she said for now. There would be more to come, she knew, but now they had to lay all the cards on the table.
“Is Jere seeing another woman?”
Caroline made a desperate, moaning sound. Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Everyone always said Jere was just like Daddy. I guess I should have been afraid. ” She sniffled and wiped her eyes. “Im going to leave him, though. ”
“Do you love him?” Nora asked gently.
Caroline went pale. Her lower lip trembled; hands in her lap tightened into a bloodless knot. “So much . . . ”
Noras heart felt as if it were breaking. Here was another legacy of her motherhood: shed taught her children that marriages were disposable.
“Let me tell you what its like, this decision you think youve made,” she said to Caroline. “When you leave a man you love, you feel like your heart is splitting in half. You lie in your lonely bed and you miss him, you drink your coffee in the morning and you miss him, you get a haircut and all you can think is that no one will notice but you. And you go on with a broken heart, you go on. ” She took a deep, unsteady breath. “But thats not the worst of it. The worst Is what you do to your children. You tell yourself its okay; divorces happen all the time and your children will get over it. Maybe thats true if the love is really gone from your marriage. But if you still love him, and you leave him without trying to save your family, you will . . . break. You dont just cry in the middle of the night, you cry forever, all the time, until your insides are so dry there are no tears left, and then you learn what real pain is. ”
Nora knew that what she was saying wasnt true for all marriages, all divorces. But she was certain that Caroline hadnt tried hard enough, not yet, not if she loved Jere. She closed her eyes, trying to think of Caroline . . . but then she was thinking about her own life, her own mistakes, and before she knew it, she was talking again. “You walk around and get dressed and maybe you even find a career that makes you rich and famous. You think that was what you wanted all along, but you find out it doesnt matter. You dont know how to feel anymore. Youre dead. Somewhere, your daughters are growing up without you . . . . You know that somewhere theyre out there, holding someone elses hand, crying on someone” elses shoulder. And every single day, you live with what you did to them. Dont make my mistake,“ Nora said fiercely. ”Fight. Fight for your love and your family. In the end, its all there is, Caroline. All there is. "
Caroline didnt look up as she whispered, “What if I lose him anyway?”
“Ah, Caro,” Nora said, stroking her daughters hair; “what if you find him again?”
Chapter Twenty-two
Ruby felt as if someone were pounding a drum insideher head. Though she was exhausted, she couldnt sleep. Shed tried turning the light on, hoping Caroline would wake up, but no such luck. Her sister had obviously lapsed into a tequila coma.
After their evening of margaritas and tears, she and Caro had finally stumbled up to bed. Theyd lain in the darkness for hours, talking, laughing; sometimes theyd even cried. Theyd said all the things theyd gathered up in the years between then and now, but finally, Caroline had fallen asleep.
