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Maudeen rushed in behind Ruby. “I’m sorry, Mr. Lightner . . . ”
He raised a slim hand. “Don’t worry about it, Maudeen. ” He leaned back in his chair. “So, Ruby, what’s going on?”
She waited for Maudeen to leave, then moved toward the desk. She was humiliatingly aware that she was still wearing her uniform, and that her underarms were outlined in perspiration. “Is that cruise ship job still available?” She’d laughed at it three months before—cruise ships were floating morgues for talent—but now it didn’t seem beneath her. Hell, it seemed above her.
“I’ve tried for you, Ruby. You write funny stuff, but the truth is, your delivery sucks. And that’s no ordinary chip on your shoulder, it’s a section of the Hoover Dam. You’ve burned too many bridges in this business. No one wants to hire you. ”
“Someone—”
“No one. Remember the job I got you on that sitcom? You slowed down the first week’s production and made everyone insane with rewrites. ”
“My character was an idiot. She didn’t have one funny line. ”
Val looked at her, his ice-blue eyes narrowed slowly. “Shall I remind you that the show’s still on the air and another—less talented—comedian is making thirty thousand dollars an episode saying what she’s told to say?”
“It’s a shitty show. ” Ruby collapsed into the plush leather chair in front of his desk. It took her a moment to squeeze her ego into a tiny box. “I’m broke. Irma fired me from the diner. ”
“Why don’t you call your mother?”
She closed her eyes for a second, drawing in a deep breath. “Don’t go there, Val,” she said quietly.
“I know, I know, she’s the bitch from hell. But come on, Ruby, I saw that article in People. She’s rich and famous. Maybe she could help you. ”
“You’re rich and famous and you can’t help me. Besides, she’s helped me enough. Any more motherly attention and I could end up strapped to a table in Ward B singing ‘I Gotta Be Me. ’ ” Ruby got to her feet. It took a supreme effort, considering that she wanted to curl into a ball and sleep. “Well, thanks for nothing, Val. ”
“It’s that sparkling personality that makes helping you so damned easy. ” He sighed. “I’ll try Asia. They love U. S. comedians overseas. Maybe you can do the nightclub circuit. ”
It made her feel sick, just thinking about it. “Telling jokes to a translator. ” She winced, imagining herself in one of those men’s bars, with naked women writhing up and down polished silver poles behind her. She’d already put in her time in joints like that. Her whole youth had been spent in the shadows behind another performer’s light. “Maybe it’s time for me to give up. Cash in. Throw in the towel. ”
Val looked at her. “What would you do?”
Not, don’t do that, Ruby; you’re too talented to give up. That’s what he’d said six years earlier.
“I’ve got half an English lit degree from UCLA. Maybe it would get me a supervisor spot at Burger King. ”
“You certainly have the right personality for serving the public. ”
She couldn’t help laughing. She’d been with Val a long time, since her first days at the Comedy Store. Val had always been her champion, her biggest fan, but in the past few years, she’d disappointed him, and somehow that was worse than disappointing herself. She’d become hard to work with, temperamental, difficult to place, and, worst of all, unfunny. Val could overcome anything except that. She didn’t know what was wrong with her, either. Except that she seemed to be angry all the time. She should be standing on a ledge somewhere. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Val. Really, I know it’s hard to get work for a prima donna with no talent. ”
The moment the words were out, Ruby heard what lay beneath them. Hesitant, afraid, but there nonetheless. A good-bye. And the worst part was that she knew Val heard the same thing, and he didn’t say no, don’t do that, we’re a long way from over.
Instead, he said, “You have as much raw talent as anyone I’ve ever seen. You light up a goddamn room with your smile, and your wit is as sharp as a blade. ” He leaned toward her. “Let me ask you a question. When did you stop smiling, Ruby?”
She knew the answer, of course. It had happened in her junior year of high school, but she wouldn’t think about that time—not even to give Val an answer.
Objects in a mirror are closer than they appear. That was true of memories as well; it was best not to look.
“I don’t know. ” She spoke softly, refusing to meet his gaze. She wished she could let Val see how frightened she was, how alone she felt. She thought that if she could do that, if she could for once show a friend her vulnerability, she would perhaps be saved.
But she couldn’t do it. No matter how hard she tried, Ruby couldn’t let down her guard. Her emotions were packed tightly inside her, hermetically sealed so that every wound and memory stayed fresh.
“Well,” she said at last, straightening her shoulders, puffing out her unimpressive chest. She had the fleeting sense that she looked absurd, a wounded sparrow trying to impress a peregrine falcon. “I guess I’d better go. I’ll need to pick up some fishnet hose and a can of Mace if I’m going to start hooking. ”
Val smiled wanly. “I’ll make the calls about Asia. We’ll talk in a few days. ”
“I’m grateful. ” She would have added more, maybe even groveled a little, but her throat seemed swol- len shut.
Val came around the desk and closed the distance between them. She saw the sadness in his eyes, and the regret. “You lost yourself,” he said quietly.
