Page 90 of Summer Island

“Jesus,” Ruby said softly. Her mother was right. Ruby had spent a lifetime being so afraid of heart break that she hadnt let herself be loved. Thats why shed stayed with Max all those years. She knew shed never fall in love with him, and her heart would be safe. All that loneliness . . . because she couldnt believe in being loved.

Ruby walked toward the railing and stared out at the Sound. She couldnt figure out what she was feeling . . . or what she should be feeling. “I remembered the day you came back. ” She heard her mothers sharp intake of breath and waited for an answer. When none came, she turned around.

Nora was sitting there, hunched over, as if waiting for a blow. “I dont like thinking about that day. ”

“Im sorry . . . Mom,” Ruby said quietly. "I said some horrible things to you.

Her mother looked up sharply. Tears filled her eyes.

“You called me Mom. ” She stood up, hobbled towardRuby. “Dont you dare feel guilty over what you said to me. You were a child, and Id broken your heart. ”

“Why did you come home that day?”

"I missed you girls so much. But when I saw what

Id done to you, I was ashamed. You looked at me the way Id once looked at my father. it . . . broke me. "

Ruby couldnt avoid the question any longer.

“Okay, so I know why you left Dad, but why did you stay away?”

Nora gazed at her steadily. “The leaving . . . the staying away . . . to you, these were the beginning of the story. To me, it was deep into the middle . . . ”

Nora took a deep breath and dove in. The waters of the past were as cold as shed expected, even in the heat of this gorgeous summer morning. “Everyone thought Rand and I were the perfect couple. ” She curled her hands around the porcelain of her coffee cup and let it warm her. “I was young then, and I cared about appearances more than substance. Living with an alcoholic will do that to you. You grow up hiding, flinching, protecting the very man you should expose. You make sure that none of the ugliness that goes on inside your house ever spills into the streets. That was a lesson my mother taught me before I was old enough to brush my teeth. Pretend and smile . . . and cry behind closed doors. I suspected your dad of having affairs long before I got hard proof. ” She glanced at Ruby. “No pun intended. ”

Ruby almost spit up her coffee. “How can you make a joke about it?”

“What is it they say about comedy-it only hurts when you laugh?” She smiled and went on. “It. . . hurt me to suspect him, but that wasnt the worst of it. The worst was his drinking. He started drinking after dinner-on the nights he came home. You girls probably didnt even notice. A few beers, a scotch and soda here and there. By ten oclock he was wobbly, and by eleven he was stumbling drunk. And he got. . . mean. All his insecurities-you remember how hardGrandpa was on him-and his disappointments came tumbling out, and everything was my fault. Every time he yelled at me, I heard my dads voice, and though Rand never hit me, I started expecting it, flinching away from him, and that only made him madder. How could I think hed hit me, hed scream, stomping out of the house. ” She looked up at Ruby. “So, you see, I was at least half of the problem. I couldnt separate my past from my present, and the harder I tried, the more the two braided together. I was terrified Id become like my mother-a woman who never spoke more than two words at a time and died too young. But I was handling everything okay until Emmaline Fergusson told me about Shirley Comstock-”

“My soccer coach?”

Nora nodded. “You remember how much your dad suddenly started liking soccer?”

Ruby gasped. “He didnt . . . not with my coach. ”

“Its a small island,” Nora said ruefully, "there werent a lot of women to choose from. I told myself it didnt matter. I was his wife, and there was honor in that. But he started drinking more and coming home less, and I fell apart.

“It started with insomnia. I simply stopped sleeping. Then the panic attacks hit. I got a prescription for Valium, but it didnt help enough. I would lie awake at night with my heart pounding and sweat pouring off me. Every time I picked you up from soccer I went home and threw up. Finally, I started to black out. Id wake up lying on the kitchen floor; and I couldnt remember huge chunks of my day. ”

“Jesus,” Ruby said softly. “Did you tell Dad?”

Nora gave a shaky smile. “Of course not. I thoughtI was losing my mind. All I had to hold on to was the pretense of a marriage. You and Caro were the center of a world that kept shrinking around me. ”

Nora looked up, wondering if it was possible to make a single twenty-seven-year-old woman understand how stifling marriage and motherhood could sometimes be. “I couldnt handle it all-your dads drinking, his screwing around, my insomnia, my sense of being overwhelmed and trapped. It was a combustible mix. And then . . . ”

Nora closed her eyes. The day shed worked so hard to keep at bay welled up inside her. It had been a gorgeous early summer day, not unlike today. Shed gone to the soccer field early to drop off cookies. . . and shed seen them. Rand and Shirley, kissing, right out in the open as if they had every right. “I took too many sleeping pills. I dont remember if I meant to or if it was an accident, but when I woke up in the hospital, I knew that if I didnt do something quickly, I was going to die. I dont know if you can understand that kind of depression; its debilitating, overwhelming. So, I held my breath, packed my bag, and ran. I only meant to stay away for a few days, maybe a week. I thought Id come here, stay a few days, get some rest, and be healthy. ”

“And?”

Nora drew in a deep breath. She wanted to look up, but she couldnt. Instead, she stared down at the cup in her hands. “And I met Vince Corell. ” “The guy who sold the pictures to theTattler. ”

"He was a photographer; taking pictures of the is lands for a calendar. Or so he said; I didnt care about that. All that mattered was the way he looked at me.

He told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. By then, your father and I hadnt been intimate in a long time, and I wasnt beautiful. I was rail-thin and I trembled all the time. When Vince touched me . . . I let him. We had a wonderful week together photographs and all. For the first time, I found someone I could talk to about my dreams-and once Id said them aloud, I couldnt go back to the way Id been living. And then . . . he was gone.

“I was devastated. I knew your father would have heard about what Id done; Vince and I made no secret of our relationship. Maybe I even wanted Rand to find out. I dont know, but when the affair was over; and I realized Id thrown my marriage away and lost my girls, I took too many sleeping pills again. This time it was serious. I ended up in a mental institution in Everett. ”

“How long were you there?” Rubys voice was whisper soft.

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