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I remembered. And it’s okay. It’s fucked up and sad and crazy. I feel all this shit toward my mom. But it’s okay, I tell myself.
I take a long, slow breath, and I feel Miller’s body tense up.
“Hey, angel.” His cheek presses against my back.
I swallow. "I love you." My voice still sounds raspy.
"I love you too."
I turn over so I'm facing him. I cup his face, wondering as I look into his blue eyes how he can still love me. Fuck, he’s given everything to me, and I was so shitty to my Mills—especially at first. I feel almost overwhelmed by how much I love him, by how much I just want things to be good now. I kiss his cheek. “This is weird,” I rasp. “Now that I remember you, I miss you…in the past.” I laugh. “It's really weird."
Okay, Mr. Articulate.
But Mills just kisses my lips, light and gentle. "That's gotta be so fucking weird it's unreal."
He hugs me, and I let myself relax against him, feeling what it’s like for Mills to hold me again. This one. This Miller that I know better, who pulled me from the lake and climbed onto the trestle bridge to talk me off it. The one I toyed with, fucked with, tried to wreck—but all he did was be so patient with me. Wake me up from a thousand nightmares.
I don’t have those nightmares anymore, I realize. Will I start having them again now that my memory’s back? Did the ECT cure me? I noticed I feel more…negative about myself—now that I remember what I did to Miller. And I feel angry with myself for leaving Fairplay. For letting my mom run the show. For being scared of what she might do. I was a fucking coward, and we both paid the price.
Miller’s hand strokes down the back of my head.
"You're not asking any questions," I whisper, trying to smile for him.
"I don't want to overwhelm you."
"You can ask me. Actually," I whisper, "I have questions." Tears fill my eyes. "Millsy, how'd you stand it when I found you at the frat house?"
Knowing him more fully...knowing how I left him in his bed and disappeared and sent that fucking bullshit text to my dad. And then never contacted him again.
"Jesus. How'd you do that?” I whisper. “How'd you just...take me back?"
"Lemme tell you, angel, cause it's a good story." His lips brush my forehead, and I think I feel him smiling. "The only thing that mattered to me, when you found me on the stairs that night, was you. When I realized you didn't remember, you think it really mattered to me? After I wanted you for an entire year. Finding out that you couldn't help it—that you didn't want to ghost me— Dude. It was all I needed. I got used to you not knowing. I would want you any way you were. So what you forgot a few months? We've got a lot more than that."
I swallow as tears fill my eyes. "I'm so lucky."
"We're both lucky."
"I feel terrible for Carl," I rasp. Tears spill down my cheeks, and Miller wipes them gently with his fingers.
"Don't feel bad. He's okay. He'll be more okay when you and him talk. Speaking of them…I told them I was only going out for just a little bit, to see the Christmas lights by the lake. If you want, I'll drive us back toward home and you hop out near the cemetery. Then I'll go in, chat with them, and I'll let you in my bedroom window?"
"You think I can climb up on that roof?"
"Well, sort of. Can you?"
I laugh. "Probably."
As it turns out, I can; thank you, football workouts. It's weird as hell to be back up on that roof. Remembering myself so lost and messed up. The nights I'd take some pills and lie out here and try to keep from getting deeply asleep.
Miller notices my face as soon as I climb into his window.
"Hey, man. Feeling weird?"
I nod slowly, looking all around his room. I look at him, at older Miller in his same old bedroom. Something—some damn feeling—grips my throat so tight that it aches. "I wasn't happy here,” I manage, feeling gut-punched. “The only thing that was bearable at all was you.”
He hugs me.
We end up on his bed, kissing fast and hard and frenzied as tears fall from my eyes.
"You really moved on from all that?" I ask, as we pull apart to breathe.
"From you leaving?" He nods. "I have. And you did, too."
“No, not really. I forgot.”
"Forget again," he teases. "Just remember right now with me."
We kiss till we've both got boners. Then he jerks us off—my lust for Miller overriding the whirlwind in my chest only barely. As he goes to get a towel, I look around his dark room, feeling nervous that my dad will walk in.
