AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“He told me he wasn’t exclusive with you two.”
Hammer shook his head, still peering out the window. “It didn’t take long before I suspected Juliet was falling in love with Liam. I knew he didn’t love her. He was too noble to let himself grow attached because she was my wife. I was still trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do about that when, out of the blue, she swallowed a bottle of pills I didn’t even know she had a prescription for.”
Raine took in his tense posture, the regret etched into his face, and she couldn’t help herself. She smoothed his hair back and leaned over to kiss his jaw. “The morning you walked out, after I balked at the bondage last week… Liam told me Juliet was pregnant. Don’t be angry with him. I wasn’t coping, and he knew I needed to understand—”
“I’m glad. In fact, I’m grateful.” Hammer swallowed and closed his eyes. “I didn’t have the balls to tell you myself. I’m still terrified you’re going to look at me like I’m a monster.”
“Macen, I would never—”
“You should. I let Juliet down on every possible level as a husband and a Dom. I buried my wife and unborn child, packed up all my shit, and moved to Los Angeles within days. I didn’t even say good-bye to Liam. I couldn’t look him in the eye, knowing how horrifically I’d failed Juliet. His condemnation would have crushed me.”
“Then you opened Shadows?” Raine hoped to direct him to happier times. He’d done so much good for so many people, and she wanted him to remember that.
“Yeah. I should have walked away from the lifestyle completely but I couldn’t. Instead, I vowed never to take on another sub. Shadows would be my first priority. I wanted to make sure people had a safe place to play, where Doms would never be taught to feed off power like a parasite. When I opened, I literally had to turn people away and implement a waiting list. The club was an overnight sensation.”
“It’s a great place. You’ve done right by the members.” She laid a gentle hand over his.
“Yeah. There’s that. But I was a lousy human being. I would have cut Liam out of my life for good except…I never let go of my guilt. Just before the first anniversary of Juliet’s death, I grew a pair and called him. I told him I planned to come back to New York to visit her grave. I hadn’t realized how much I missed the man until I heard his voice. In fact, I missed him more than I did my late wife, which was another mindfuck.” He shook his head. “That first visit was awkward and bittersweet as hell. But Liam, with that fucking compassionate heart of his, stood by me at the cemetery as I mourned and piled on more guilt and withheld the truth about Juliet’s pregnancy. I didn’t want him to suffer. Afterward, he took me out and got me shitfaced. But no amount of booze was enough to drown my remorse or wash away my sins.”
“You’ve got to stop this. So much of what happened wasn’t your fault. You’ve become an amazing man.”
“The only thing I’ve ever done right is you.” He blew out a breath, fought tears, and still refused to look at her. “And even that I screwed up for years.”
His cutting honesty was breaking her heart. “Macen, don’t… Please. That’s not true.”
“It is. Don’t sugarcoat this. I don’t deserve it. Because there’s more.” He nodded in challenge. “Yeah. That night I found you huddled by the dumpster, I couldn’t stand to see you hurting. Somewhere in the back of my head, I thought by saving you I could atone. Except the unthinkable happened. I fell in love with you—fast. Jesus, that did a fucking number on my head. You were barely seventeen and I was almost thirty. Teenage girls had never held any appeal for me, even when I was a teenager. I called myself every kind of pervert imaginable. I mean, I knew I was bent but… Do you know how much I fucking hated myself for wanting you? When you turned eighteen, I nearly dragged you into my room, locked the door, and sank inside your body for days, weeks, years. I tried to convince myself that I could have you and not ruin you, but guilt and terror made me keep my distance.”
Raine didn’t even know what to say anymore. She just gave him her silent support, let him purge it all out, and wished he’d finally look at her.
“I fucked just about every single sub in the club, and I hurt you so much, precious. I have no idea why you love me—”
“Because you were always there for me, always protected me, wanted what was best for me, and challenged me. You were noble, Macen.”
