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“Bullshit.” He dragged in a jagged breath.
“Yes. Stop beating yourself up. Our choices and experiences have made us who we are, led us to right now, to the love we share.” She placed a hand on her stomach. “Gave us the baby we’re having, the future we could have if you’d just forgive yourself…”
“How can I? I didn’t fix myself for years, just drowned in shame and pussy because it was easy and what I understood.”
“You stayed away from me for so long because the people who should have cared for you had done nothing but use and abuse you.” She understood utterly now. “You did everything in your power to make sure the same thing didn’t happen to me.”
Hammer nodded bleakly. “But I was a jealous bastard, too. I couldn’t stand the thought of another man touching you. I wanted to kill Zak and Gabriel. I wanted to rip their dicks off.”
She suppressed a little smile. Gee, I would have never guessed… “I understand. I lost count of how many bitches I wanted to slap.”
He grimaced. “Yeah… But I wasn’t just jealous. I drove everyone away from you because your heart was so…pure. I couldn’t let them hurt you. If I’d given in to my craving for you years ago, I would have destroyed that—and you.”
He would have. As much as Raine had wanted him then, she hadn’t understood herself or her heart yet. She hadn’t been strong enough to stand in the storm they weathered now and endure the driving pain. She would have crumbled before they reached the heartfelt intimacy they shared today.
“So you didn’t lie to me after that first night we spent together. When you said you needed a slave, I thought—”
“I was full of shit. Yeah, I knew. But that was okay. It kept you away. I’d already fucked up once, given into booze and anger and a need for you that strangled me every fucking day. Being with you that night…holding you? It was the first time I’d felt peace in twenty years. I knew I was in love with you, but I didn’t know how to show it or how to be the man you deserved. I knew how to take a woman’s power and bend it to make me happy. You needed something else entirely. God, I fought myself… I still do sometimes. It’s the reason I backed off so badly after Bill almost killed you. The thought of losing the only woman I’ve ever loved in my entire life, of losing that innocent child growing inside you… I—I can’t. I’d never be able to survive that, precious.” He swallowed and gripped her hand so tightly her fingers went numb.
“I’m here,” she promised. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“But I might be. I’m scared I’ll be ripped from you. And you deserved to know everything I’ve told you because I couldn’t leave without you understanding how much I love you, how much joy and happiness you’ve brought to my life. You taught me how to live, Raine. But more than that, you taught me how to love. You stood by me all these years when I was a cold-hearted bastard, denying everything between us. You’ve branded yourself into my soul. Merely saying I love you can’t even scratch the surface of the profound feelings I have for you. I’m not even sure the words to describe that exist.” He leaned his head on their joined hands. “You’re everything. My breath, body, and soul. It would take me an entire lifetime to show you how I feel, and I don’t have a fucking clue how I’m supposed to squeeze all that into the time we might have left. How do I do that, precious? Cram all the love I have for you into six fucking weeks?”
“By taking things one day at a time. By looking at me. Please…”
Hammer gripped Raine’s hand, ignoring the fine tremor in his arms. Why was the simple act of opening his eyes and looking at her so fucking difficult? He’d done it thousands of times, over thousands of days. But facing her now was one of the most difficult things he’d ever done.
Because he’d just laid himself bare for her, and if he saw judgment or condemnation, he’d be utterly devastated.
“Macen.” She kissed his knuckles. “Have faith.”
In her. In them. In the belief that she could love him as completely as he loved her. God knew he didn’t have faith in much else in life, but he believed in what they shared, all the way down to his core.
Hope strangled him as he slowly lifted his lids and focused on her.
Raine was waiting for him with big blue eyes, trembling tears, acceptance, and so much love he thought he’d burst. “Hi.”
God, he was going to cry like a pussy. He blinked. Hot, acidic drops spilled down his cheeks, and he swore. “Fuck.”
