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I’m turning my phone over and over in my palm, debating a hundred different things. I want to text my sisters, but resist. I want to text my mom and ask what the hell she was thinking, to send my dad out to see me.
But none of them can touch me right now.
I think I’m in a really dark place, emotionally, and I don’t know how I’m expected to climb out.
“Yo, Zak, c’mon!” comes Mack’s voice all the way from the stage, far, far away—like everything.
I stuff away my phone, sling my backpack over a shoulder, then lumber out of the room.
My thoughts don’t have space for marinating when I push through the backstage curtain, as I am surprised by the sight of not only Mack, but Lex, who stands next to him with a coy, weird look on his face. “Hey there, Zak Attack,” sings Lex. “How was your night? Quite lucrative, by the looks of it. Oh, did you find that hunky man who was looking for you? I brought him here. It was me. You can thank me. He was daddy-hot … Wait, was he your older bro or something? You two have a resemblance.”
I almost don’t even want to explain that it was my father he was checking out. I can’t even bring myself to say words like ‘dad’ or ‘father’. “I saw him,” I say instead, even and calm. “Thank you.”
“Good. Mack and I seem to have something in common.” Lex eyes him expectantly.
Mack, sitting on the end of the stage, appears a tad less enthusiastic. “Nothing’s gonna replace that Pokéball I had. It was my lucky Pokéball.”
“Oh, please,” blurts Lex. “I have, like, a billion of them. And a three-foot ceramic Charizard. Want to see?” he asks suddenly. “I’ll show you.”
Mack squints dubiously at him. “You live in Zak’s building, right?”
“Mm-hmm. That’s a ‘yes’, then? It’s a ‘yes’,” he decides before Mack can deliver a reply. “I’m going with you two. You’ve got muscles.” He gives Mack’s bicep a squeeze. Mack squints at him. “You can protect me. I mean, look at my body. I can be bent in half by a mugger. No, that’s not an invitation. Why aren’t we leaving yet? C’mon, slow-pokes.”
The walk back is full of chatter I don’t pay any attention to, which is just as well, since it is mostly between Lex and Mack, who suddenly has a lot to say, as most of it pertains to all things Pokémon.
Also, I can’t stop glancing over my shoulder, or peering down alleyways we pass, as if I might find my dad lurking in the shadows, like he’s still here.
I feel like I’ve done something wrong.
Back at Piazza Place, Mack goes to Lex’s pad to check out his “Poké-toys”, and that’s where I leave them to head up to my apartment. Dropping onto my bed, I pull out my phone at once and, fed up, send Richie an email: ‘Captain, we need to talk. I will be at Ambrose Park, tomorrow night, 6:00 PM. If I haven’t fucked everything up already, then meet me there.’
[ THE DREAM ]
Zak is certain today will be different. Zak is certain today will be better. Zak is certain today will be the day he gets the answers he has for far too long sought after.
10
Despite a night of total fucking restlessness, I wake up on three and a half hours’ sleep feeling oddly refreshed, throw on a hoodie, sneak out of Piazza Place, and walk six and a half blocks to St. Christopher’s. I meet with the usuals, who smile at me, shake my hand, and treat me like I’m totally not a stripper from Mayville, because either they don’t know better, or they don’t care. Together, we serve food to a line of homeless. Some are grateful. Some are too starving or irritated or proud to be grateful. It doesn’t matter; each of them gets as big of a serving as the last, and I feel a sense of worth as I look as many of them in the eye as I can. They are, each and every one of them, a human being with hopes and desires and loves and dreams. And it may not be up to me whether they’ll someday see those dreams come to pass, but if this meal brings them just one inch closer to that dream, then all of the sweat is worth it.
It’s addictive, seeing others’ eyes light up.
Feeling good, making others feel good.
It’s the only thing that can truly calm my mind. Sometimes it’s the only thing that, despite all of my doubts, convinces me my existence is doing good for this world. Now and then, it just takes one bad thing to make you feel worthless.
The animal shelter I also volunteer at is on my way back home, so I stop there too, just to see if Ramona needs any help with the animals. She doesn’t today, but I spend a bit of time in the kennels anyway. I love the look in their eyes when they recognize me, and all of the ones Ramona complains are the loudest seem the most peaceful to me. They just need love, I tell myself as I smile at them, talk to them, play with them, and give them as much attention as I’m able to.
