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Throwing it away had been a bad idea.
Anger filled my body and I tore through my apartment. I went through every drawer and looked in every nook and cranny in the hopes that I had missed tossing something.
I hadn’t.
I need it.
I need it.
I need it.
I got dressed as quickly as possible.
I was sure the people in this small town weren’t aware of all the crime and drug dealing, but when you’re a druggie like me, you know it all.
So I knew exactly where I could find what I needed on this chilly December night.
I had almost made it to the stairs when I heard her behind me.
The crashing and banging had no doubt awakened her.
“Caelan?” She asked, her voice small and groggy with sleep. “Where are you going?”
“Out,” I snapped. I turned around and saw her standing there in only a t-shirt, her sexy legs crossed and that damn cat standing beside her. I swallowed thickly. I wished I was enough for her. I wished I could fight this and be the man she deserve
d. But I was weak and I couldn’t. Besides, I’d learned a long time ago that wishing got you nowhere.
“You’re stronger than this,” she whispered, tears swimming in her eyes. She might have been half-asleep but she was alert enough to know what I was up to.
“I can’t handle all of this,” I cried, spreading my arms wide.
“What is this?” She mimicked my tone.
“Everything,” I sighed. “My parents. My sister. The house. You. Life. It’s all of it. It’s catching up to me and this is the only way I know how to deal with it.”
She made careful, measured steps towards me. “Caelan, getting high, numbing yourself to what’s happening around you isn’t going to solve anything.”
“But it’ll make me feel better,” I snapped.
“I can’t stop you,” her lower lip trembled. “But when you walk away from me, and go to get whatever the fuck it is that you think you need,” she glared, “I want you to think long and hard about what you’re doing to yourself. To me. To any chance at happiness we might have.” Tears streamed down her cheeks now. “Is this what our future is going to be? Every time something bad happens, or the memories get too much, you’re always going to choose the drugs aren’t you?”
I swallowed thickly, not wanting to answer her, but my silence was a confirmation and she knew it.
She bit the inside of her cheek and nodded. Crossing her arms over her chest, she slowly backed away. “I love you, Caelan, I do. God knows I love you more than I should. But this,” she pointed to my sweaty and shaky body that was begging for the drugs, “I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know,” she repeated. “I want to be enough for you.” She cried a bit harder. “But here you are, and you want the drugs more,” her voice cracked painfully.
I wanted to make her see that I wasn’t choosing the drugs over her. It was that I was too weak to fight the hold they had on me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, bowing my head. She’d never know how much I meant those two words.
“Sorry isn’t good enough, Cael. Not with this.”
I closed my eyes, swallowing thickly. “It never bothered you before. You didn’t seem to care.”
Her sigh echoed through the hallway. “I didn’t.” Taking a shaky breath, she wiped tears from her eyes. “You started out as just another guy, a void filler for me. But then, I got to know you. The real you,” she pointed in the vicinity of my heart, “and I saw what a beautiful person you are underneath the harsh exterior. You made me fall in love with you,” her whole body trembled with her words. I wanted to step forward and wrap my arms around her. Hold her close and tell her it would be okay. But I couldn’t move. My feet were stuck in quicksand and I was sinking down, forever being pulled away from her. An ocean was forming between us and I’d never be strong enough to swim the distance. “Because I love you,” she continued, “I want better for you. I don’t want you to depend on drugs or alcohol. I want you to be strong enough to deal with your feelings and memories instead of trying to repress them.”
As her last word hung in the air, we were locked in a stare down. Our chests rose and fell in synchronized breaths.
I was the first to look away. I turned my back on her and descended even further down a path that might have no return.
