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After some minutes of him patiently gazing at me and rubbing my shoulder, I asked, “Do you think you and Chase needed to go through all the rough patches in your relationship with each other in order to get to where you guys are now?”
“Oh, Mariska. Rough patches are a real nice way of saying it, but I cut his face, because I knew he had money stashed in his room. I wanted the premium coke I’d heard about that much. That savagely. There’s no starting over for Chase and I. We’re trying to have a relationship, but…” His shoulders sagged. Fear brimmed in his hazel eyes. He really didn’t like to talk about anything personal and he was giving this to me. “I think it’ll take a lot more than a double date for Chase to look at me like I am his brother. Like how I’ve seen him regard his best friend, Pierce.”
“I was scared of you when Beth told me why you scared Chase,” I told him carefully, because I didn’t want to ignore my reaction to him from this summer past. “But now, I am scared that you don’t want Chase to see you as his brother. Chase and Pierce are tight. It’s true, but I think it’s easier for you guys to act like friends because, if you admit to each other that you want to be close like you never were, than you and he think you’re setting yourselves up for a failure. But maybe you both need to put everything out there.”
“Are you sure you’re just talking about Chase and I?” He asked in a flat tone, and my stomach churned as I gave his question some serious thought.
“No, I wasn’t,” I conceded. “I was talking about us too—but I didn’t know I was, Hunter.”
“Listen, Mariska.” Abruptly, he stood up and went over to the counter. Riley nuzzled my stomach and I held onto her for comfort, because I didn’t like how Hunter was frowning at me. “There is no us. Everything that’s happened shouldn’t have. I guess I just couldn’t deprive myself. But I can’t give you anything else.”
I blinked my eyes twice, because, even though tears stung my eyes, I wouldn’t allow them to fall. “You have been. What has all the time we’ve spent together been about, if you’re not working toward something more—at least for yourself?” I leveled him a look.
“Giving you some and having a conversation are all I can offer you. I won’t ever love you. I won’t ever want more with you. That’s why I won’t royally fuck you, because I know how virgins get all sentimental about it because it’s monumental to them.”
I swallowed and focused on breathing regularly. My chest felt so heavy at his words. “Stop lumping me in the damn virgin category, Hunter.” I kissed Riley on her muzzle and rose to my feet. “You won’t fuck me. You’ve established that already. You called the shots. Right? But stupid me. When you touch me, it’s monumental to me, because I not only see that you want me, but I feel it too. So quit talking about your dick being in my vagina. I know it’d feel amazing and I won’t deny that it’d be a significant experience for me. You care about me. I know you do. You wouldn’t have been upset about Scott and his bet if you didn’t. You can’t control everything, because you’re afraid you’ll crack. Getting hurt is a part of life, but don’t hurt me first because you think I’d eventually hurt you. Or drop you. I know that you want me too.” I stalked over to him and pointed my knuckle between his muscled pectorals. “I get a say in where we’ll go. I want you completely, Hunter. I want every inch of your skin on mine. I want you inside me. Do you hear me?” I chocked out. I spun around and crouched down to Riley, who made small whining sounds. I gave her a big, deep hug and shot up as she followed me from the kitchen to the coat hanger by the door, where I took my cardigan and tote. Riley stuck her head out between the door and I pushed her head back in and closed it. When I reached my car, that’s when the tears wet my face of its own accord. I was tired of having my virginity hung over my head, when the real issue was Hunter’s insecurities that I was more important to him than he’d fathomed I’d ever be, and that he’d lose me like he’d lost Chase. If he kept his guard up, he wouldn’t know what it would be like to be loved, by Chase or me.
Chapter 20
Hunter
IT’S BEEN ALMOST TWO weeks since Mariska had said that she wanted me inside her and it was the hottest fucking thing to come out of her mouth. She hadn’t been abashed, or apprehensive about laying her cards on the table, but the point still remained that she belonged with someone who was well adjusted, who didn’t wake up every morning feeling the shakes, because his body sometimes went through the withdrawal symptoms. Even after a little over five years of sobriety. It fucking sucked. I knew that a lot of my cravings were psychological. As a kid, I’d had a little bourbon in the morning and two glasses of it after I’d finished my homework in the evenings. It’d been my treat to myself. I’d felt numb and not like a little pussy who hadn’t wanted to disappoint his Dad, or stop drawing because my Mother had lived to see my sketches and occasional paintings.
Mariska didn’t need my baggage. She didn’t get that she was worth more than the likes of me. She just assumed that I was trying to tell her what to do, instead of preventing her from taking on my worries, my everyday struggles. There were some days when having Riley waiting for me to walk her, feed her, and pet her was the fix I needed to focus on my day ahead and not how much a little bourbon and two snorts of coke made me feel blissfully invincible. It was better than sex. But not better than touching Mariska. No, that was pure euphoria. And the last thing I needed to add to my list of vices was having another addiction that I couldn’t abstain from. There was no other chick like her. Somehow, when I’d been with her, I’d thought about how it’d felt normal to share my day with her. Being alone most of the time wasn’t fun at all. I’d lied to myself by thinking that talking to Manny, Vince, Chase, and Beth made my life complete. How did Mariska know that I hadn’t had sex with her because I didn’t want to know what I might feel? How had she known that about me before I had? She’d tuned into the trepidation that ran through my veins of not knowing what to do if things didn’t work out with her and with my brother. If she saw me at my worst, I’d ruin her for any healthy relationship in the future.
Despite having a client in an hour, Manny had asked me to come to La Caridad to get lunch for him, Vince and Hector. I’d
packed a sandwich for my lunch and he’d said that it’d still be in the fridge for me to eat on Friday. He knew that Mariska hadn’t returned my phone calls, or responded to my messages. Mariska wasn’t the only one angry with me; Riley was too. Some days ago, Annette had asked me why Riley hadn’t sat next to me when I’d beckoned her. My only explanation had been that I’d fucked up and Annette had told me to fix it before she’d taken Riley to get the other dogs and start their daily walk.
And just as my luck would have it, my eyes latched onto Mariska when I was inside La Caridad. Blanca, Jill, and some of the other employees gave me a quick look and then acted busy when Mariska turned around, wearing that small cut cap that hid her dark brown eyes and emphasized her straight, delicate nose and oval face. The beige shirt clung to her supple round tits and the curves from her waist to her hips. The navy blue cotton skirt looked thin enough for me to sink my teeth into and rip in half.
Scanning the room, I saw Jake at the small table that I’d seen some of the employees eat at when I’d been here. He gestured toward me with his head and resumed eating.
“Your usual table is available,” I heard Blanca say, and, when my gaze found her, she gave me a warm smile. Slightly elbowing me, I let her lead me to the table, as if I hadn’t been here plenty of times as it was. “Now, I don’t know what you gone and done now, but I don’t think kissing her in front of everyone would be wise today.”
“It wouldn’t do me any good, Blanca,” I agreed. “May I have the usual orders with an extra side of sweet plantains please?”
Blanca smiled at me again and headed toward the kitchen worktop to give my orders. Mariska glared at me once I’d sat down, and returned to serving customers and taking away empty plates like she didn’t know that I was watching her.
Mariska
I JUST CAME BACK to the table Jake was at when he asked me to take a break. He was going to go back to campus soon and I knew that he came here to see if I was all right. I’d been distracted these past few days. Taking a steady breath, I followed his request.
“You said that Hunter doesn’t wanna be with you, but I know when a guy has no interest,” Jake said, tilting his head so that his full head of hair fell to one side. I could definitely see Pete growing into a handsome and good person like him. “Keeping it yourself won’t make you feel better.”
I nodded my head and felt the sad smile tug at the corner of my mouth. “Jake, he won’t go all the way with me,” I whispered and he leaned forward onto the table. A frown creased his forehead as he listened to me. “He doesn’t think I should give myself to him, but I want to.” I swallowed and took a long pull from the glass of water I’d brought him, but he hadn’t drunk from it. “I thought he’d come around, but I can’t date him when he’s putting this restriction on me. He fucked Jill and every other girl, but not me. He cares about me. Maybe not like I care about him, but still. He doesn’t want to get attached to me.”
“He’s a bigger man than I thought,” Jake said with a sigh. “But think about how you’ve shut him down since he won’t do what you want him to do.”
“Jake,” I said, shaking my head. “He tried to act like everything that’s gone on between us means nothing. He’s the butthead who won’t hear reason.”
Jake laughed as he hauled himself to his feet and patted his stomach. His abdominal muscles and he didn’t look like he’d had a heavy lunch. He pulled me into his arms and I gave him a hug. It hadn’t felt odd telling him that I wanted to have sex with Hunter. He’d been the one to get Beth pads when she’d unexpectedly had her cycle when she was eight and we were seven. Beth had been too embarrassed to ask his Mom for one. After that had happened, Beth and I had talked to him about almost everything—especially sex, since he’s been active since he was fifteen.
“You’ve been a cranky mess since you haven’t called the guy back,” Jake intoned. “Perhaps you can take whatever Hunter was giving you. Show him that you accept where he’s at.” He stepped back from me. “Beth told me that he’s been moping around. I know that you want him to be at his best, so help make that happen.” He raised his shoulders and shot Hunter a glance. Then, he trailed to the door.
I locked eyes with Hunter. My gaze traveled down to his bare forearms and a pair of light washed jeans with holes in the knees that I’d gotten used to seeing on him. He held the take out bags in his hands and motioned his head to his watch, letting me know that he wanted to talk to me, but he had to get back to work immediately. It was fine, because the only audience I didn’t mind having when I spoke with him was Riley. In fact, I missed seeing her a lot.
***
