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Despite their discontent with my relationship, they respected that Hunter had stood his ground and hadn’t promised anything. He hadn’t apologized for who he was or what he’d done in his youth. Apologies could only take people so far. They were just words. When people were really sorry, they tried to make a difference, introspectively or communally. I hated myself for how I’d treated Hunter and how I’d thought I was above him, because I didn’t have a problem with addiction.
When I wasn’t with him, I took the time to recount all the nice things he’d done for me, such as making me perfectly cooked pancakes and fresh coffee most mornings. I loved that he wanted to know everything about me. In his own way, he was teaching me how to be more selfless and accepting of myself and other people.
After I’d served Pete and his friends a platter of crackers and cheese, I welcomed Jake inside.
“How’ve you been?” he asked me as he took his place at the table, like he had for years. I was making some instant coffee and toast.
I gave him a faint smile. “We’re off from school for a month. My grades are great, even though I was docked points for missing some classes due to going to Burlington.”
He nodded and then asked, “Did they receive the card and flowers I’d sent for the wake?”
I motioned with my head and blew out a breath. “Hunter told me to tell you thank you, but everything was so crazy and busy when we were there. I did what I could to help, but I didn’t want to get in the way, you know?”
I joined Jake at the table. “Yeah, but I think having you with him helped him. You followed your heart, even though parents were tight. That was brave of you to go with him to his home base. I don’t think he would’ve been able to resume his life like he has, without you.”
I heard an odd tone in his voice. “Brave but stupid, huh?”
He shook his head. “You weren’t stupid. You could never be stupid, Mariska.”
“That’s not what you said when I knocked over your sand castle,” I reminded him with a smirk. I felt like we were talking about something else.
“We were four years old.”
“Point taken,” I said, “You’ve been MIA. And I’ve seen Jut and your roommates bringing girls to the room.”
Jake snapped his head to me, his eyes settling on my face. “With good reason, Mariska.”
I reached my hand out to his. “What good reason could there possibly be??
?
“Because, when I picked you up from work everyday during the summer, and we hung out here while your parents were working, I didn’t see you as my gawky friend who wore retainers when she was home. I saw how beautiful you are. How much you nurture Pete.” He shut his eyes. “I can’t be with you like old times. Those times are gone.”
I covered my face with my hands. My eyes moistened a little from hearing his words and he looked chocked up as well. “I didn’t know,” I whispered.
“I didn’t think I’d have to ever tell you. I thought I could be happy for you, because I know it can’t be me. It’s never been me.”
I let myself cry a little. As Jake instinctively moved to comfort me, he stopped himself, squaring his shoulders in self-reproach. “You and Hunter found your way to each other, but I just can’t watch you and him like a chump. I’ve been seeing other girls, but none of them are you.”
All of the times I’d told him how I loved him must have been painful for him. Jake hadn’t messed around with girls who resembled Beth and I, in body or demeanor, so it hadn’t crossed my mind that he’d develop feelings for me, after all these years.
“Jake,” I said as I wiped a flood of new tears, “You’re my best friend. I…”
“Now you see why I didn’t say those three big words. They’re just too real for me, and because I do, I have to let you go. Hunter’s a stand-up dude and I know you’re in good hands.”
And I knew that I had to let go of what we had, so that Jake could find someone else who loved him the way he deserved to be loved.
Epilogue-New Year’s Eve
Mariska
“DO YOU HAVE ANY new year’s resolutions?” I asked Hunter as we rested on the bench chair he got, that fit the three of us perfectly.
We were bundled up under his fleece cover-ups, since the weather had cooled down considerably compared to the mostly warm and muggy fall season. Riley was planted on top of our thighs and, instead of running after the bone Hunter threw in her favorite place in his back yard, she opted to continue laying with us. Riley had not only grown more muscle and some confidence, but she’d grown to depend on him. Hunter craved that from her. He wanted her to have complete faith that he would do his best by her and he has.
Hunter took out an envelope from an inner pocket in his worn black leather jacket. He looked at the unwrinkled envelope. It was something his mom had left for him. The last tangible item he had of hers. I understood that he wanted to keep it unopened forever, but he’d been restless because he hadn’t opened it.
Not saying a word, he unsealed the envelope deftly with his finger. When he saw the letter, he cracked a smile and ran the pads of his fingers over the pretty cursive on the paper. He swung one arm around my shoulders, and replied, “Read her final words with me. In your head. I can imagine her voice right now, actually.”
