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For a couple of blank, confused seconds she didn’t recognise the young man who stood on the doorstep. He looked familiar, and yet…
But then he grinned widely, and suddenly realisation dawned with a sense of shock.
‘Hello, big sister. Surprised to see me?’ It had an edge of embarrassed, almost defiant uncertainty to it, as if he was unsure as to what sort of reception he would receive.
‘Davey!’
Beside herself with delight, Lily enfolded him in an ecstatic hug.
‘Where have you been? Why didn’t you get in touch? One letter in all this time…’
‘Yeah, I know. I’m sorry about that.’ Davey eased himself out of her embrace looking decidedly shamefaced. ‘I wanted to let you know I was OK but there was something I had to do. I needed to get my act together…’
‘It looks as if you’ve managed that.’
Lily’s voice was shaken as she fully took in the change in her brother for the first time. This was a new Davey, bright-eyed, clear-skinned, with the glow of good health about him.
His fair hair was as long as ever, but it shone with the effects of regular care, and although his clothes were the usual tee shirt and jeans they were clean and new, and it was evident that he took a pride in his appearance. He had filled out a bit too, as if he had had more than a few square meals since he’d left.
‘What happened to you?’
‘Ronan Guerin—no…’
Davey had caught the flash of apprehension in her eyes and hurried to reassure her.
‘He didn’t do anything to harm me, Lill. On the contrary, he was the one who picked me up and got me sorted out—put me through detox, got me into therapy. That’s where I’ve been all this time…’
‘Ronan did?’ But then something else Davey had said pulled at her thoughts. ‘Detox? You’re…?’
‘I’m clean, Lill. Clean and sober, and I plan on staying that way. It wasn’t easy. If you must know, at times it was hell on earth, but Ronan stuck by me, supported me every step of the way. And now I’m out the other side I have no intention of ever going back. I was badly screwed up, Sis, and I made some terrible mistakes.’
‘Rosalie,’ Lily murmured, and at the sound of the name her brother’s eyes darkened.
‘Rosalie,’ he confirmed, his voice low, his eyes on the ground. ‘Ronan said he’d told you.’
Suddenly he looked up again, catching hold of Lily’s hand.
‘But I want you to know something important, Sis. I wasn’t the one who gave Rosalie that tablet; I swear I wasn’t! I was there, of course, but I was too phased out to know what was happening, and one of the other guys persuaded her to try it.’
His hands clenched on hers, the glimmer of tears in his eyes.
‘But I felt responsible. If only I’d been more in control. If I hadn’t been so bloody out of my head myself I would have been able to stop it, or at least take action sooner when I realised she was in distress. I’ll never forgive myself for that, Lill. I loved that girl; I really did.’
‘Does Ronan know this?’
The question came rather breathlessly. Her heart had leapt into a swift, shallow patter at the thought that if Ronan learned that Davey hadn’t been responsible for Rosalie’s death, as he had thought, then maybe, just maybe, there might be a chance for them.
‘He knows.’ Davey was unaware of the way that his answer took that one last trace of hope from her. ‘When I finally got up the nerve to go and tell him the truth I found that he was prepared to meet me more than halfway. We talked for hours, all about when I was a kid and the way that Mum and Dad died. That was when he arranged for me to go into this programme. He saved my life, Lily.’
‘Oh, Davey, you don’t know how much this means to me.’
Taking her brother by the hand, Lily drew him inside, using the action to disguise the way that hot tears were burning in her eyes. Ronan could find it in his heart to forgive Davey for what had happened, but he couldn’t bring himself to contact her.
‘He insisted that I write to you, to let you know I was all right, and that as soon as I got out I came to see you. And if I stay clean he’s going to help me have the sort of career I’ve always dreamed of. And I will stay clean, Sis. I’ll do it for Rosalie, and for you and Ronan.’
Lily could only manage a wordless sound in response to the way her name and Ronan’s had been so unknowingly yoked together.
‘I have to admit that I’m scared. It’s one hell of a responsibility, but with Ronan’s backing I know that I can do it. I owe him so much.’
Ronan was there for Davey, Lily thought bitterly, but not for her. Their fake marriage had turned into a real, lifelong commitment for her, but to Ronan it still meant nothing at all.
‘You look different, Lill.’ Davey had finally noticed the change in her appearance. ‘What’s changed—? You’re pregnant!’
‘Four—nearly five months,’ Lily confirmed, her voice a blend of shaken laughter and the close threat of tears. It was impossible not to see in the delighted grin that spread across her brother’s face the response that Ronan might have shown to the news if only things had been so very different.
‘Is it Ronan’s?’ Davey stunned her by asking. ‘He said you’d had a bit of a thing together.’
A bit of a thing. Lily swallowed down a choking cry as she nodded miserably. The derogatory description shattered her self-control; the tears would no longer be held back and spilled over, streaming down her cheeks.
‘Oh, Lill! Does he know?’
‘I—I haven’t told him.’
‘You haven’t…? But, Lill, you have to! He’s got a right to know about his child. And can’t you see how important it is? It’s something good—something positive to come out of all of this.’
Lily doubted that Ronan would see it that way.
‘He wouldn’t want it, Davey,’ she choked out. ‘He hates our family.’
But even as she spoke she picked out the flaw in her own words. If Ronan truly hated them so much, then he would never have helped her brother as he had.
‘He doesn’t love me,’ she amended painfully.
‘Are you so sure of that?’ Davey asked sharply. ‘Lily, the Ronan I’ve been with these past months isn’t the same man I knew before. He’s changed. It’s as if a light’s gone out inside him, and it’s not only because of Rosalie. He’s like someone who’s just going through the motions of living, but doesn’t really give a damn about anything. I couldn’t understand what was behind it, but now I could hazard a guess.’
He saw the light dawn in his sister’s eyes, the small, tentative flame of hope she couldn’t extinguish.
‘You have to go to him—tell him.’
‘I can’t!’ It was a despairing whisper. ‘What if he shuts the door in my face? It would kill me if that happened—especially now.’
‘You’ll never know until you try. I know he’ll never come here. He told me you wanted him out of your life and that the only thing he could do for you was stay away.’
‘He said that?’ Lily’s head came up sharply. ‘The only thing he could do for me?’
She couldn’t help it. Deep inside a tiny seed of longing had taken root and was starting to grow. Was it possible? Could it be true that Ronan felt something for her?
Davey was right; there was only one way she would ever find out. But did she have the courage to go through with it?
Ronan’s elegant London home was dark and shuttered when Lily reached it the next day, tipping her mood from nervous apprehension into black despair.
Please don’t let him be away, she prayed silently. Please let him be here!
But her ring at the doorbell met with no response, and the windows remained dark and empty, with no sign of life.
So what did she do now? She could wait, but who knew if Ronan would even come back home tonight? What if Davey had got it all wrong? What if, far from hating life alone, he was in fact revelling in his freedom, thankful that his solicitor had the matter of the divorce in hand?
The divorce. That thought stopped her dead, stilling her feet when she would have turned away, admitting defeat. Ronan had threatened divorce as soon as possible. He had said that he would put the matter straight into his solicitor’s hands. Why, then, hadn’t she heard anything?
It was then that the faint gleam caught her eye. It was just a hint of light, somewhere at the back of the house, spilling out into the garden through a window or a glass door. Moving cautiously, Lily made her way towards it.
After edging her way along a path by the side of the house, she found that a large sitting room looked out over the enormous garden, with glass patio doors running almost the whole width of one wall. The room itself was in darkness, except for the glow of a real coal fire set in the marble hearth. Ronan must have lit it against the chill of the evening, she thought, gathering her coat closer round her. It really was quite cold tonight.
But at least that meant that wherever he had gone he was planning to come back before long. She was just turning away when a slight movement caught her attention, freezing her where she stood.
‘Ronan!’
