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He bunches the sheet on his lap into a large bundle, exposing his muscular calves. “No offense, but where is the first nurse that brought me in here? I really don’t think you’re going to help my situation. In fact, you’re making it...uh, worse.”
“I assure you, Mr. Harris, I am fully capable of ensuring you get the best care.” I try keeping the snark out of my tone, but I don’t think I succeed very well.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says. “I’m sure you’re fully qualified. I just meant, that...uh, my problem is one of a very delicate nature. And you’re a ginger. I’ve always really had a thing for gingers.”
Wow. This guy is a first-class PITA. That’s pain in the ass for those of you that don’t speak nurse slang. How could my hair color possibly be related to this guy’s problem?
“Well, why don’t you tell me about your problem and I’ll assess whether I’m the right person for the job?”
“All right, but don’t say you didn’t ask for it.”
Before I can question him further, he balls the sheet into his fist and drops it to the floor.
Oh. My. God.
Suddenly the fact that this guy could be a Hemsworth brother is lost on me because I can’t stop staring at his dick. Penis, I remind myself. We are in a clinical setting and dick is not a clinical word. Penis. Penis. Penis.
“Yeah...your staring really isn’t helping,” he groans. “That definitely won’t make him go down.”
I put the most unaffected mask I can muster in place, grab some exam gloves off the wall, and pull them over my hands.
“Mr. Harris, I wasn’t staring.” Yes, I was. “I was examining you from a strictly professional standpoint. Now please tell me, what brings you in this evening?”
He nods towards his d...er, penis. “A buddy of mine suggested that I try some of his Viagra as a booster for this...date I had earlier this evening. Trust me when I say I’ve done more than enough to make it go down.”
“How long have you had the erection?”
He looks at the clock on the wall. “A little over nine hours now.”
His penis jumps as I come closer. “May I? I need to take your vitals and examine you which will require some brief touching.”
“Go to town,” he mutters. “I don’t think this could get any more awkward.”
I take his temp, blood pressure, and pulse ox then chart his results before moving onto the physical inspection. I try ignoring his reaction but it’s a bit difficult when he’s repeatedly groaning and pulsing while my face is practically in his lap. I finish the exam as quickly as possible and throw my gloves in the trash right as Dr. Sexy Pants, AKA Adam Walker, steps into the room.
“Good evening, I’m Doctor Walker. Rainey, what do we have here?”
“This is Brody Harris. Twenty-three-years in age, experiencing an erection lasting over nine hours after sampling a friend’s Viagra. Otherwise healthy. Temp is 98.6 and BP is 112 over 70.”
He briefly inspects the patient before removing his gloves. “Well, the good news is that it doesn’t look too serious...probably just a standard case of priapism. You’ll need some ointment for the skin irritation but a dose of pseudoephedrine should clear up the rest. We’ll need to run a few tests first but if all goes as expected, we should have you out of here pretty soon.”
“Pseudoephedrine?” he shrieks. “Are you seriously telling me that I could’ve taken some Sudafed and avoided this trip altogether?”
“Mr. Harris, you did the right thing by coming in,” Adam assures him. “This could have been more serious. The pseudoephedrine exerts a constriction effect that will in turn, facili
tate venous outflow.”
“Could you try that in English, Doc?”
Adam smiles. “Simply put, it will return the blood flow back to normal places.” He turns toward me. “Rainey, order a CBC and a PBG. Doctor Andrews is the urologist on call tonight so I’ll consult with her to determine if we should aspirate the penis.”
“What the hell does that mean?” Mr. Harris asks.
“We would remove a small amount of blood from the penile area with a needle. We’d use a local anesthetic so the pain should be minimal,” Adam explains.
His hands fly over his crotch. “You are not getting near my dick with a needle!”
Adam types some notes into the chart. “Mr. Harris, if it’s necessary, I assure you, we’ll make you as comfortable as possible.”
