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“Did you sleep with that guy?” Paul was horrified by the idea. That guy!? Swishy, nose-pierced Andy the shop clerk?
“Can we change the subject?”
“No. Did you?”
“No.” Ian’s face wrinkled as though he were smelling Limburger cheese. There was more to the story.
“But?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. It’s something.”
“There was… there was just this one night,” Ian said. “It involved a lot of tequila shots. I ended up at his place, but in between the shots and waking up at his place, it’s a little fuzzy. He always kind of had a thing for me. I don’t know. I don’t think anything happened. But that’s gotta be, you know, when he saw it. Okay?”
“You don’t think anything happened, but you don’t know. Something might have happened?”
“Some people are kind of prone to blackouts when they drink a lot. I guess I’m one of them.”
“So you’d just black out whole nights?”
“Sometimes. Yeah. Later on it got worse. But usually just bits and pieces, details. That night, it’s got gaps.”
“Like whether or not you had sex.”
“Like that. Yeah.”
“That’s kind of a big gap, isn’t it?”
Ian shrugged. His discomfort about the situation made Paul feel better. He believed something must have happened between the two of them that night. Why else would Andy have seen the tattoo? He could handle the idea as long as Ian regretted it. Imagining Ian as a willing participant was hard for Paul to bear. Ian the victim was sympathetic, a fallen angel in need of rescue.
“What’s that like,” Paul asked, “not knowing?”
“It’s weird…. Can we… can we please change the subject now?”
“Yeah. Sorry. Do you want to get lunch at the food court?”
“Yeah.”
“You look good in the shirt.”
“Thanks.”
When they got to the crowded food court, Paul went to stand in line and get their order while Ian looked for a table. This left Paul alone with his thoughts. Falling for Ian, he had inadvertently connected himself to a world he found distasteful and sordid. He imagined the gay clubs with go-go boys, drag queens, back-room sex and horny men who would take advantage of an angel like Ian because he was drunk and prone to alcoholic blackouts. But did they take advantage? Or had Ian never really tried to say no? Paul felt sick to his stomach. It was as far from Paul’s image of himself as his mind could possibly go. If people were to find out about the two of them, would they assume that was his world too?
Not compatible with Christian teaching.
He took the lunch tray and scanned the crowd. He spotted Ian chatting to a group of people at an occupied table. Even from the back, he recognized Julie and her husband, Jim. Ian was gesturing to the new tattoo on his shoulder.
“Hi, Paul!” Julie said as he approached. “You two came together? You must be joined at the hip.”
Ian smiled and laughed.
“We’re not joined at the hip,” Paul snapped. “He just needed a ride because he doesn’t have a car.”
Julie’s mouth fell open. Ian looked away.
Paul could not sleep that night. He sat at his desk reviewing the events of the day. Ian hadn’t said anything about Paul’s outburst with Julie. He didn’t have to. Paul kept playing it over in his head: his overreaction, Julie’s surprise, and Ian’s disappointment. Julie still did not suspect. She hadn’t meant a thing by her comment. It was Paul’s own reaction that raised suspicion. If anything was going to give them away, it would be Paul himself.
