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He gently places his palm on my cheek. “What happened?”
“My mom died last night,” I explain with an exhale. “Technically, early this morning, I guess.”
Gavin’s mouth falls open in shock. “What? How?” He pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me as my tears break loose. “Shh, baby,” he says. “We don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready.”
I pull away from him and wipe my eyes. “No, that’s okay. I have to get it out eventually.” I take a deep breath. “I went to drop off my rent check after work this morning. My checkbook was inside the apartment so I went in to grab it. That’s where I found her.”
He raises his eyebrows. “She was at your apartment?”
I nod and try to swallow but my mouth feels too dry. My throat too tight. "She and Marcus had a fight. I thought…I just thought she was drunk. I thought she was passed out. But she looked…" I choke back my sob. "There was nothing they could do. It was too late. I was too late. She…she was so bl-blue."
“Oh, Kat,” Gavin breathes as he pulls me into him again. “I’m so, so sorry.”
I sob as he runs his fingers through my hair and over my back. I sniffle. “I can’t get the image of her lying there out of my head, Gavin. Every time I close my eyes, I see it. How am I supposed to go back to my apartment without seeing her dying on my living room floor? How do I make that go away?”
“I don’t know how to make the images go away.” He squeezes me tighter. “You don’t have to go back there if you don’t want to, though. I can get anything you need from the house and you can stay here as long as you need to.”
“That’s fine for now, but what about later? There’s a reason why we’ve lived there so long. It’s the cheapest place in town. I just can’t imagine going back.”
“Shh,” he coos. “You don’t have to worry about that now. We’ll figure it out later.”
“I can’t figure it out later!” I argue. “Don’t you get it? I have to figure out a plan now. If I don’t have a plan, if I don’t have something to focus on…I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this! I need something to focus on, Gavin.”
He pulls me down with him until we’re both lying on the bed. “Kat, I’m right here with you. I will help you in whatever way you need me to. You’re not alone, baby. You don’t have to go through anything alone anymore.”
I clutch his shirt in my fist and take a few moments to breathe.
“She’s being cremated,” I mumble into his chest. “I have to figure out what I’m going to do with her ashes.”
“We’ll figure it out together, Kat.” He continues rubbing my back. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” I sniff.
“Why didn’t you call me? I could’ve taken an earlier flight. I could’ve been here with you.”
“I didn’t think about it,” I answer honestly.
He tries masking the pain I’ve inflicted but I see it. He braces his hands on my face and says, “Kat, we’re a team. I know you’re not used to leaning on someone, but you can count on me. I promise I will do everything in my power to take care of you. To be someone that you can depend on. You need to let me in. Okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper.
I have a sickening sense of déjà vu as I make my way into the frigid waters. There are a few differences this time though. For one, the box clutched tightly to my chest is a little heavier. And the ocean is colder—so cold that my legs are already numb after being submerged for only a few seconds. I’m older now too. Only by a few years, but I’ve gained significantly more wisdom since the last time I did this. Since the last time I poured someone’s ashes into the sea. How many times can one person do this and survive? I ask myself. I certainly wouldn’t wish this dread on anyone. There’s so much finality in this one act. Turning over the box is the hardest part, you know. Lifting the lid, rotating your wrists, and emptying the contents of the urn into the water. I had trouble doing it the first time, and this time is no different.
The waves are crashing against my thighs, trying desperately to kick me out or pull me in further. The wind whips my hair as saltwater splashes onto my face, mixing with my tears. I begin to sway so I plant my feet deeper in the sand to stabilize myself. If only physically withstanding the elements could calm the inner turmoil raging inside of me. With each wave that comes, I experience a moment of panic. I know that I should get this over with; that I can only stay in the water for so long before hypothermia threatens, but I can’t. In this cardboard box lies the remains of the only family I have left. I truly am alone after this. Just me, myself, and I. As another wave ebbs, I contemplate leaving. Going back home with the box intact. Pretend this isn’t happening. That this isn’t my reality. Until I feel large hands encompassing my own.
I blink rapidly to clear my blurry vision. I look into Gavin’s eyes and I’m reminded that I’m not alone after all. I know from the depths of my soul that this man would never abandon me. I’m instantly granted the strength I need to do this. The courage I need to face the truth.
He nods toward the box. “We’ll do it together on the next wave. Okay?”
I nod in agreement, unable to form words through the thickness in my throat.
Gavin looks out toward the sea, and back to me as the next one rolls in. “Are you ready, Kat?”
I nod once again.
He lifts the lid and tightens his fingers around mine. The wave pounds against us, knocking us back a couple of feet before it begins to pull away. I know this is it; that I need to release the ashes as it’s going out. My hands falter as I begin to tip the box but Gavin lends me the force I need to complete the motion. Together, we invert the container and release my mother’s ashes into the Pacific. I breathe a sigh of relief that it’s over, and in the next moment, my knees buckle and I’m being swept away.
“I’ve got you,” Gavin promises as he wraps his arms around my torso, pulling me back. “You’re safe with me, Kat.” His hold doesn’t waver as he pulls me into shore. “You’ll always be safe with me.”
