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I handed her the coffee and then sat in a chair across from the couch from where she sat.
“Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?”
She shook her head. “Truth be told, I enjoyed it. A lot. But I can see that you regret it.”
I looked down because there was some regret, but mostly I felt guilty. I looked at her again. “Bella, I’m not going to deny that I enjoyed that.” In fact, it was fantastic. I enjoyed it too much. “But it can’t happen again.”
“I understand.”
God, somehow her unaffected acceptance was making this worse.
“I’m sorry if I’m hurting you.” I ran a hand through my hair. “It’s the last thing I want to do.”
“I know.” She cupped her mug in her hands but didn’t drink.
I studied her for a moment. “You were waiting for the right person, and… you should have waited longer.”
Her head was shaking before I finished. “I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t regret this. I wanted it. I wanted you. I’m glad it was you.”
Why the hell she wanted a forty-year-old man to be her first was beyond me. “Your first time should be special.”
She looked at me with those piercing blue eyes. “It was special. For me.” She looked down, and I could see the hurt I was causing her.
I wanted to give her something to let her know that even though it was wrong, it was wasn’t sordid. Or that she was just another woman in a long line of women.
“Bella, I haven’t been with another woman since my wife. I… I know it’s crazy because she’s gone, but I feel like I’ve betrayed her.”
She gave me a sad smile. “I know you still love her.”
“I do, and I… well you deserve exactly what you told me you wanted earlier. A man who can love you the way I love my wife. That man can’t be me.”
She flinched slightly, and I hated that my words hurt her. I shouldn’t have touched her. I shouldn’t have taken her to dinner to make her feel better. I shouldn’t have let her straighten my tie.
“I’m sorry if I’ve—”
“No.” Jesus, why was she sorry? “You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who messed up here. Christ, I put my assistant’s hand on my dick. If the board found out they’d probably get rid of me.”
Her eyes widened. “I’m not going to cause problems for you.”
I gave her a wan smile. “It’s still wrong. I’m your boss.”
She nodded as if she was accepting the reality of the situation. Then her brows furrowed, “You’re not going to fire me or transfer me, are you?”
“No. I value your work. I just hope it won’t be difficult between us after this.”
She exhaled audibly. “No. I can separate work and what just happened.” She said it as a matter of fact like she had done it before.
“Good.” I sipped my coffee, shoring up my strength before I went on to the next issue. “Listen, I didn’t use a condom…”
It took her moment to register what I was saying. Her eyes widened for an instant, giving me an “oh fuck” feeling.
Then she shook her head. “It’s not the right time.”
What I wanted to hear was, “I’m on the pill,” or “I have an IUD.” But she’d been a virgin, so I should have known she probably wasn’t on birth control. What a fucking idiot I was.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean it’s too early in my cycle.”
I didn’t know all the intricate details of the female reproductive system, but I remembered that I hadn’t used a condom the first time with Joanna either and she hadn’t gotten pregnant. When we did want to get pregnant, it took us a while and Joanna was tracking her cycle to figure out the optimum time have sex. Many times, we had sex right there in the office because she was ovulating. I figured Bella meant she wasn’t ovulating. I hoped she was right.
I felt a little relieved. “If there is a consequence from this, I’ll—”
She waved her hand. “What happened here will stay here, and from this moment forward it will be like it never happened.”
It was what I wanted to hear and at the same time, it made me sad. What we’d done was wrong, and yet it was pure in a raw way that seemed like it shouldn’t be forgotten. I put my coffee cup down and stood. “I should go. You’re sure you’re okay?”
She let out an exasperated breath. “Yes. I’m fine. Thank you for dinner.”
“Of course.” I headed to her door. She’d risen from the couch and was showing me out. I had the urge to give her something. “Bella.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “I understand.”
“The thing is, while it was wrong to touch you for so many reasons, the truth is, I enjoyed it. Very much.”
