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“Maybe a little,” I said in a tone which meant yes, absolutely, so much. “It’s hard not to in here. The whole thing just screams whimsy.”
He didn’t say anything, but his expression softened into a look I’d only seen once or twice before. Like awe, but gentler—or lust, but somehow totally pure. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and let his fingers linger on my cheek.
“You’re beautiful when you’re happy,” he said quietly.
I cocked my head at him and gave him a teasing smile. ?
?Only when I’m happy?”
“Okay, fine, you’re beautiful all the time,” he said, letting his hand fall. I instantly regretted being flippant. “I just really like to see you happy, that’s all. It doesn’t happen much. Well—outside of—”
“Yeah,” I cut him off, nodding. Sex wasn’t really the point right now. “To be fair, there hasn’t been a whole lot to be happy about. Every good thing comes with enough bad to make it almost not worth it.”
“Hm.” He swam away toward one of the gardens and glanced back at me, pulling me with his gaze. I followed. We leaned our elbows on the edge of the island, and I inhaled the exotic scents of flowers I couldn’t begin to name.
“I used to feel that way about Kingston,” he said. “Like any good he contributed to our group or the Custodians or the world at large was nullified by what he did outside of school.”
“All this, you mean?” I gestured around at the mansion which surrounded us on three sides.
“Exactly. You don’t get this rich without exploiting people. But on the other hand—if he wasn’t this rich, if he didn’t have the connections and money and power, we’d be completely screwed right now. Not just us either. The whole world.”
“That’s true.”
He frowned. “You know, I was excited to find out about the supernatural world. I thought the rules would be different. More in line with my beliefs, I guess, I don’t know. Figuring out that it’s all just bureaucracy, and that the only way to save the world is with money, fucks with my head.”
“You would prefer to pull a sword out of the stone and slay the dragon with nothing but the force of your will and a kiss for good luck?”
He grinned. “Well, wouldn’t you? It’s so much simpler. So much more real.”
“I guess that depends on what you define as real. To Kingston, the money is real. To me—God, I don’t even know anymore.”
He gave me a questioning look. I played with the petals of a flower, letting pool water drip into all of its little creases.
“I never believed in Santa Claus,” I blurted. “Even when I was little, the only things that were real were the things I could see and touch and taste. I had no faith in promises or tomorrows or magic, and all of that only got worse after my mother died. Then I didn’t even believe in love or that there was any goodness left in humanity.”
His face went still, and he watched me with serious eyes, but I wasn’t looking for sympathy. There was a point to be made, I was just having a hard time getting there. I waved his concern away before he could speak.
“I learned that reality is what I can affect myself. Things I wanted to happen only happened when I made them happen. Kingston, on the other hand, grew up in a world where money was the most real thing. As long as there was money, anything was possible—and since there was never a time when there wasn’t money, money underlined his reality.”
“Ah—no, that makes sense,” Jayce said. Then he shrugged, smiling a little. “For me, community was real. Family and people and small relationships. Things happened when people worked together to make things happen.”
“Exactly. But the thing I’m beginning to realize—and I don’t know if it’s because I live my whole life connected to your heads or if it’s just everything we’ve been through the last couple years—but the thing is, we’re all right.”
“What do you mean?”
“It took community to get the fallen working together in the underworld. The way the refugees from Gavriel were living down there was the sort of small relationship vibe that’s real to you. We wouldn’t have gotten this far if I hadn’t decided to take Gavriel on, and we wouldn’t have a chance at winning without Kingston’s money. It’s all real. Objective reality, I think, must be the shape you get if you stack everyone’s perspective together as a single thing.”
“Huh. That makes morality a lot muddier.” He furrowed his brow at the moss in front of him as he trailed a finger over it. “If everyone’s reality is true, how do you figure out what’s right?”
I laughed. “Do I seem like a star student of morality to you?”
“Ah, you do okay.”
I shook my head. “See, now I know that magic is controlling my life. You’re so good and so centered. If you were thinking clearly, you’d see that I’m really a terrible, jaded person who has no business playing the hero.”
My voice was light and teasing, but I believed every syllable wholeheartedly. It was a weight in my chest that tried to pull me under the water.
He must have read my mind, because he swooped around behind me and tucked his arms under mine, holding onto the island and curling his legs so that I was sitting on his lap. He kissed my hair behind my ear and nuzzled my cheek.
