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"Some pain cannot be healed, imp. No matter how much you will it." Taking in Sammy's earnest expression, Rem sighed. "I have no momentous secret to reveal. Reality is just a cold and ugly thing."
He was relenting. Sammy could feel it. Eagerly, she seized this rare opportunity she was being offered. "You spent most of your youth at sea. Why?"
"The army was too stationary for my tastes."
"No, what I meant was, what made you choose any type of military career? Why were you so anxious to leave England?"
"I had nothing monstrous to escape, if that's what you're asking. My parents died before I reached my teens, and I had more than enough money to indulge myself."
"Have you sisters or brothers?"
"No. I'm an only child—one who grew up to be a terribly restless man."
"You wanted something that was truly yours, a mark you could leave on the world. Being the Earl of Gresham wasn't enough. You needed more than to oversee your estate, gamble at White's, and drink each Season away." Seeing the startled lift of Rem's brows, Sammy grinned. "I've just given you Drake's reasons for taking to the sea, albeit as the captain of a merchant brig. You and my brother are more alike than you realize."
"Evidently."
"You're a titled nobleman. You could easily have bought yourself a commission. But you didn't."
"No. For once I wanted to earn something, not have it handed to me because of who I was. I didn't keep my background a secret; I merely insisted that it not be used to benefit me."
"When did you become a lieutenant?"
"The regulations required me to be nineteen before I could take my exams." Rem's dimple flashed. "I was seventeen."
"How did you manage that?"
"I had a flair—for navigation and for making situations work to my advantage. The three captains under whom I'd served were impressed with my seamanship. They all submitted certificates of service, which the examining board weighed heavily in their decision. In light of the glowing recommendations, they then decided to glance only briefly at the slightly modified birth certificate I produced. Thus, my appointment."
"You're a rogue, my lord."
"Indeed. But a determined one."
"And you were a captain before you were twenty—the youngest captain in the Royal Navy." Sammy's voice rang with pride.
"That I owe to Admiral Nelson's brilliant command at the Battle of Copenhagen. My heroism was merely the re
sult of his."
"You admired Lord Nelson a great deal, didn't you?"
A muscle worked in Rem's jaw, "I was fortunate enough to serve under him for five years. He taught me the meaning of leadership. His instincts were flawless, his commitment to his ship and country absolute ... even if risks had to be taken. He was a genius."
Sammy watched the emotion that ravaged Rem's face when he spoke of his mentor. "So you followed your dream. Did you capture it, Rem? Did the navy fulfill that gnawing void inside you?"
"'Twas a double-edged sword, Samantha. The navy assuaged my restlessness, gave me the opportunity to learn from the finest commander in all of England, and introduced me to the best friend I've ever had." A pause. "It also tore out my soul, obliterated my ideals, and hardened my heart."
Swallowing past the lump in her throat, Sammy chose to address one of Rem's positive references. "I'm glad Boyd was there for you. When did the two of you meet?"
"Boyd came aboard the Ares as a midshipman just after the Battle of Copenhagen."
"The Ares?" Sammy's eyes lit up. "Was that the name of the ship you captained?"
"The ship I eventually captained, yes. When I met Boyd, I was a mere lieutenant. We covered many miles together, Boyd and I: the West Indies, Portugal, Gibraltar, the Mediterranean. We also witnessed countless deaths together."
"In battle?"
"Not only in battle, Samantha." Rem stared ahead, seeing shadows of memories long buried, never forgotten. "I can't begin to describe to you what it was like, how tenuous life was. We never knew who would survive and who would not. When we traveled to the West Indies, the heat was blistering, the filth rampant. Every day men succumbed to yellow fever. Elsewhere we were plagued by scurvy, spoiled foods, and diseased women. In the winter, typhus struck—fatally. And, of course, there were the bouts with nature,
