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When I reached the lobby. Bill called out to me, but all I could do was give him a vague wave as I ran for the limousine. I let myself in, having relayed Hector the urgency of the situation, and he was already driving before I even put on my seatbelt. “You remember Ashe’s address?” I asked him.
“Yes, sir. I drove her there after you bought the place for her, when she moved out of the Imperial.”
“That’s where we’re headed.”
“Yes, sir.”
I let go of the intercom button and leaned back against the leather seat, dialing Lindsay’s number over and over and still getting no response as we sped across the city.
By the time we reached Ashe’s place almost an hour later, I was frantic with worry for both Elle and Lindsay. I didn’t wait for Hector to open the door, just slid out and stomped up the steps of the brownstone. I pressed the button to signal my arrival with gritted teeth, wishing I could avoid contact with her.
“Hello?” She sounded sleepy.
“Ashe, this is Ben. Buzz me up.”
She sounded slurred, I realized, rather than sleepy, when she spoke. “Ben? What are you doing here?”
“Is Elle with you?”
To my surprise, the door buzzed open a second later, and I was able to step inside. It was a nice building, and I should know, because I paid for it. That had been part of the divorce settlement, but I considered it a negligible amount to be rid of her. I hurried through the marble foyer to the bank of elevators and took one to the fifth floor. It was far slower than the elevator in my building, and this time I wished I had run up t
he stairs. I marched down the hall as soon as it opened and barely pounded once on her door when she appeared.
In spite of my panic, I couldn’t help but stare at her for a moment. Ashe had always been a willowy blonde, but now she bordered on emaciated. Her cheekbones were sharp enough to cut glass, and there were bags under her eyes. Her normally silvery-blonde hair, which had been one of the first things I noticed about her and was actually natural, had started to gray. It looked dry yet oily and was on the dingy side. Despite the expensive clothes she wore, I knew right away she was using again, if she’d ever bothered to stop—beyond the pretense of going to rehab.
I stepped inside her apartment. She moved back a bit and regarded me archly.
“Why are you doing this to yourself, Ashe?”
She glared. “Mind your own business, asshole. You lost the right to have any opinion on my life when you kicked me out.”
“You were using drugs in front of our daughter, and it wasn’t the first time. I couldn’t let you stay. I had to keep her safe, even if it was from her own mother.”
She gave me a mocking sneer. “You sure have done an excellent job since you don’t even know where she is. She’s missing. What did she do, run away?”
I nodded once, bitterness filling my mouth and leaving a sour taste. Ashe was right. I hadn’t done a better job protecting her than my drug-addicted ex-wife had. “Is she with you?”
For just a moment, her expression softened showing her vulnerability. “Elle didn’t come to me. She hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you.” I made the assurance automatically, but there was no confidence in my tone. I really didn’t know if Elle hated Ashe. I doubted she did, but she was angry and confused, and she felt abandoned. “Do you have any idea where she might be?”
Ashe shook her head. “Why would I? She doesn’t tell me anything.”
“That might change if you ever bothered to show up for her visitation.”
“They’re always watching me.”
I shrugged. “You have proven you aren’t trustworthy not to have supervised visitation. It’s the social worker’s job to watch you.”
She glared at me. “It’s so easy for you to judge. You aren’t there, and you don’t have to deal with strangers watching your every movement.”
“If I did, it wouldn’t keep me from visiting my daughter as often as possible. Ask if she hates you, and the truth is, I don’t know. If she does, it’s probably with good reason.” I regretted the words as I said them, realizing there was no satisfaction in lashing out at this poor woman. She was already broken enough that she didn’t need me to help her fall the rest of the way.
She screamed and ran at me, her fingers curled so she could claw my face. I managed to mostly block the blow, though I felt the sharp sting of her nails tear through the flesh of my cheek as I pushed her away. She kept coming, trying to hit me, so I grabbed her wrists and eased her away as carefully as I could. I was trying not to hurt her, but she wouldn’t calm down. Finally, I ended up pushing her against the wall and making her stay there until she dissolved into a fit of sobs. At that point, I let go, and she slowly slid down the wall. She looked up at me through the veil of tears in her eyes. “Just go away and never come back. You’ve already ruined my life.”
I flinched. “How did I ruin your life? All I ever did was work and try to make things better for all of us. I didn’t cheat on you, I wasn’t an addict or an alcoholic, and I didn’t beat you.”
“You were never there. You weren’t there for me, and now you aren’t there for Elle either. I know what a mess I am, and I know how much I’ve screwed up Elle, but do you have any clue what you’ve done? You’re just as responsible for her being fucked up in the head as I am.”
