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“I wish I’d never met you.”
She let out a bitter laugh. “I make that wish just about every day.”
Shaking my head, I turned and strode from her apartment as her words worked their way beneath my skin. I tried to tell myself they were just ravings of a high, angry woman, but was there kernel of truth to her accusations? Had I destroyed Elle in some way by not being there for her? I refused to accept the blame for Ashe’s addiction, since Eric had learned during the divorce that she had been a user for years before we got married, but I couldn’t so easily cast aside the idea that I was to blame somehow for Elle’s problems too. I know the divorce had been rough on her, but it hadn’t been a picnic for me either.
As I made my way back to the limousine, finally sitting there in the seat and brooding, I examined my actions and winced when I realized that not much had changed on my end.
I had to admit it. There was some validity to Ashe’s accusation that I hadn’t been there enough. Even after the divorce, I hadn’t cut down my hours or found a way to make more time for Elle. I’d hired a couple of nannies who hadn’t lasted, before thrusting the problem mostly on Betsy and Margot, since Elle would sometimes listen to them. It had been easier to pretend like everything was fine, or on its way back to fine, because it meant I didn’t have to make any changes.
It was obvious now that once I had her home, I had to shift some priorities and focus more on Elle. She was far more important than the company I had built from scratch, and I needed to prove to her that she was the most important thing in my life. She might never get that reassurance from Ashe, but I didn’t want her doubting for one second that her father loved her with all his heart.
Lindsay would be there to support her as well, though that realization left me out of sorts. Keeping Lindsay around was a temptation I wasn’t sure I could withstand, but I didn’t want to fall in love again. My sole experience with Ashe had been a disaster, and we still had the ability to hurt each other even two years after our split. It wasn’t safe to love anyone, and I refused to do it. I didn’t want to hurt Lindsay, and I certainly didn’t want her to leave Elle, but I couldn’t risk committing my heart to her. It was something I would have to figure out after Elle was home.
She would be home. She had to come home.
Chapter 14
Lindsay
The first park I checked ended up being a bust. There was nothing that could have been even remotely described as a playhouse, so I moved to the next on my list. This one was smaller and thankfully a bit farther from Coney Island, but as I walked through the park, I saw some small colored structures ahead that could be playhouses. As I got closer, they were definitely small houses. It was a charming setup. Someone had designed what looked like a gingerbread village, though the houses were constructed from thick plastic. It looked weathered, and some had damage, but there were enough details remaining that I could imagine how it had been when it was new. If this was the place, I could easily see why Elle would have chosen it as her favorite. Still. this area wasn’t the safest, and the urgency of the situation kept me on edge.
I moved to the miniature village as snow started to fall, cautiously peeking into the first window. There were three little girls and a boy playing together, and they all stared at me. None of them were Elle, so I moved on. The next playhouse was empty, and the third had two little boys, so I kept going. The fourth house revealed a small figure seated inside with a book on her lap. Relief filled me when I realized it was Elle, and I moved to the door. The house was definitely built for little kids, and it was a tight fit to squeeze inside. I had to practically bend over double and shimmy in. I was afraid I’d get stuck, but on the plus side, I’d be blocking the exit and preventing Elle from running if I did.
She seemed surprised to see me, and her swollen eyes and tearstained cheeks broke my heart as I finally wiggled my hips the rest of the way inside and crouched on the floor. “Hi, Elle.” I struggled to find a calm, soothing tone. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms to make sure she was okay, but I didn’t want to move too quickly and startle her.
“Hey.” She closed her book and set it aside on top of her backpack, which I saw was stuffed to the point it would barely zip closed. “What did you bring with you?”
She looked at the pack and shrugged. “Warm clothes and my favorite stuffed monkey.”
“And books,” I nodded my head toward the one sitting atop the pack.
“The cabdriver knew what place I was talking about when I told him my old address and described the park.”
I shuddered at the thought of her taking a cab by herself, and I was angry at the driver for a moment that he hadn’t bothered to report that a child had flagged him down, but my anger seeped away as relief filled me.
“That was good that you took a cab instead of the subway.” It was New York, I supposed. She wouldn’t be the first child to ride a cab unattended. There were even children who went back and forth on the subway every day for school, so it wouldn’t have seemed out of place to the driver. I couldn’t really blame him or her for not phoning the police.
“Daddy said never take the subway alone.” Elle’s eyes clouded over, and her lower lip trembled. “Is he mad at me?”
I reached out a hand hesitantly, touching her knee when she didn’t pull away. “He’s really scared and worried about you, but he’s not really angry. We were both just scared.”
Tears escaped down her cheeks, though she blinked rapidly. “I didn’t mean to scare anyone. I just wanted to leave before you did.” Her lips were a little blue.
I grimaced. “Elle, I’m not going to leave you.” I broke off when I realized I couldn’t make that promise. I was still an employee, which meant I had only partial say in whether I stayed. In spite of last night, I wasn’t super confident that Ben would want me to be anything more than Elle’s nanny, so I didn’t want to make a promise I might not be able keep. “I’ll stay as long as I can, and as long as you want me to.”
“I want you to stay forever, but I
know you’re going to leave. Everybody leaves. If they don’t leave, then they’re never there.”
My heart clenched for her, and I couldn’t resist the urge to reach out to pull her against me in a hug. I expected some resistance, but instead she melted against me. “Who left you?” I was sure I knew the answer, but I had to dissect her fears one at a time.
“My mom left me. Even you left me for a while.”
“I didn’t have any choice in the matter. Your family moved away, and my father wouldn’t help me come visit you.”
She frowned. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “He’s selfish. He always has been... and it got worse after my mom died. He pretty much left me to raise myself, and it was a lonely childhood. I had to grow up way too fast.”
